cycle update / pathology report

so my body may not be quite back to normal just yet. i still believe i O'd this month, its just a little unclear about when that happened. i thought it happened on cd15, but now that AF is a few days late, i'm guessing i actually O'd a bit later, which is entirely possible because my temps post FF's O day are pretty close to my pre-O temps. i did question O day a few days later, but i left it alone and was hoping to see AF early this week or a surprise BFP... neither has happened so now i'm sure that O happened later. if that is infact the case, i should be getting her by the end of the weekend. *fingers crossed*

last week i got the pathology report from my doc back... everything looked good and there's no reason to think that i would MC again. there wasn't any fetal tissue in the gestational sac so its likely that it was a blighted ovum but because it was so early, they won't say for sure. they also said that the lining that the placenta attaches to had "died". so now we continue to try again and if it happens again, i'll get sent for testing and my doc will likely put me on progestrone supplements the next time i get pregnant after a second MC. but she said that now we know that i can get pregnant, so there isn't likely anything wrong with dh's sperm and nothing wrong with my eggs. if it continues to happen its likely something other than the sperm and eggs that are causing it.

camera course (also my 100th post!)

since i bought my new DSLR camera, i thought i should try to find a camera course so i could learn how to use all the new buttons i have and learn what they actually do instead of experimenting so that i can take the pics i want quickley and not spend 10 minutes playing around with it to get the same result. i learned a lot. almost too much in one weekend, lol. but it was a lot of good information that i will put to good use when i start taking awesome pictures  : D
it snowed a shit-ton the night before the course so i was a little worried about whether to still go or not, but i paid for it, i might as well at least try to make it there. it actually wasn't as bad as i was expecting. that night when i got home, i went to DH's hockey game (its just a beer league thing) so i could try out what i learned that day in the course. do you think i could remember anything i learned so i could get those awesome shots? NOPE! haha. i got some good shots, unfortunately they're kinda blurry... next time i'll get some better ones  ; )

Back to Normal?

well i think my body may be back to normal already... about a week or two sooner than i thought it would be  : D  i had some EWCM yesterday (which rarely happens to me in the first place... but maybe it's that increased fertility that i'm supposed to have post-MC...) so i took an OPK just to see if it was fluke or something. the line on the OPK was the most negative line i've ever seen, lol. i wasn't planning on using OPKs this cycle anyway because of the havoc hormones can cause after a MC, but i tried it out more as an experiment. experiment = failed. oh well. then this morning my temp shot up... not sure if both of those things (EWCM and high temp) could both be flukes so i want to say that i've ovulated yesterday... but i'll wait until tomoro's temp to call it confirmed  ; )

with that bit of good news though, i'm still struggling with this MC... i've accepted that it happened and there is/was nothing i did/could do to have changed/caused it. but yesterday i was feeling particularly spiteful and angry at the fact that i was back to square one like when i went off BCP, not having a damn clue when to expect AF for the first time. i had already been through that in september 2010, it's the last place i wanted to be back at 18 months later. we were supposed to be welcoming our baby in september and celebrating their first thanksgiving and christmas in 2012, that got taken away from us... there's a still a chance we could be celebrating christmas with a new little baby, but this is supposed to be our "first" baby's christmas and sadly they won't get to spend it with us.

on the other side of the spectrum, i so badly want to get pregnant again. this urge is even stronger now than it was before getting pregnant. i don't know how i'm going to deal with this TTC process again. i'm really hoping that it only lasts a couple cycles (only one more would be ideal) but i don't know that we're lucky enough to have that happen  :-/  it seemed like once DH finally did almost everything he could to make it work, it worked right away, so you would think that means i'm quite fertile as it is. but i can't help but think that it will take at least 6 months for it to happen again because the previous 6 months to getting pregnant, we BD'd at least once if not twice while i was fertile so it was 6 months of being let down by either BFNs or AF. maybe my body just finally decided to let one finally implant and that it had nothing to do with anything DH did differently the cycle i got pregnant on. i want to be optimistic that we'll be one of those couples that conceives very quickly after a loss, but i have that nagging feeling that we won't be one of those couples. i feel kind of jaded because of everything that led to this....

anyway, enough bumbling for this post, i'll leave you with a picture of the northern lights we saw last night on our way home from a valentine's day supper at japanese village:

(thank you new camera for being able to actually snap a pic of them!)

Feeling Better

(still not counting days or anything until i'm actually back in the game, maybe next month...)

well other than my counselling session this morning, i've been feeling pretty good. more like myself, more normal. i'm back to work this week and i don't feel weird about it. it feels nice to be back in a routine instead of spending my days sleeping in and being a couch bum and getting nothing done. i don't feel so useless like i did last week because there was nothing i could do to change anything that happened. this week i'm actually feeling somewhat accomplished at the end of the day. i'm still taking it easy and i'm easing myself back into my everyday life. i don't have this overwhelming sense of grief like i did last week. i was exhausted and down almost all the time. this week is very different. even my DH has noticed the change in me  : )

i'm not fully back to wanting to TTC again just yet, but i'm getting very close to feeling that urge. i'm slightly afraid of it, but i know i have to power through if i want us to get our take home baby. i can't just avoid TTC and expect a baby to result from that, that's not how it works. we're taking it one day at a time, but every day the want to be pregnant again so we can have our family is getting stronger. i've started temping again even though last week i was very much not wanting to do anything in the way of temping or using OPKs. i'm not using temping as a way to aide in getting pregnant (not that its helpful to point out O ahead of time) but it will help me know when my cycle is getting back to normal. this way, if say AF still hasn't shown at 5 or 6 weeks post-MC, i'm not testing and seeing 2 pink lines again and thinking i'm pregnant when in reality its just leftover HCG and my cycle is just taking a bit longer to get back to normal. also, it will help me know if the timing of our BDing (when we start that again) is even condusive to making a baby so i know when i can test if that's even a possibility. it will establish when i'm normal again. and next month i'll go back to using OPKs (possibly continue temping) so we can jump back in with both feet and hope i can benefit from the increased fertility women suposedly have for the first 3 months after a MC...

i will say that i love my doctor. i went in to see her last friday to find out about counselling and i asked her about when we could start trying again. her answer was probably the most sympathetic and not demeaning answer i've gotten this whole time! she told me that we could do what we wanted when we saw fit, to take it one day at a time and if that was to resume having sex, then so be it. she's had girls come in 6 weeks post-MC pregnant again. she also said that there was no medical reason to wait a certain number of cycles and that my body won't get pregnant again if it is not ready to be. after talking to DH's cousin, this sounds like the most sound piece of advice i've heard from anyone. it puts me in control of the situation, not a doctor telling me what to do. so i'm no longer afraid (not the exact word i'm looking for) to get judged if i do pregnant quickly and it makes me feel even more ready to start trying again because i don't have this fear that i'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time and looked down upon for doing things too soon. i'm ready for this and i want our baby in our arms <3


more on my counselling session this morning:
i'm not sure its the right fit for me. she seemed to be convinced that there was no possible way i'd be ready to start trying again this soon after. she started trying to convince me to hold off TTC again until after we get the pathology report and after my hormones settle down. she wants me to get the answers as to why this happened so i can deal with those emotions before completely moving on. why would i want to drag this out longer than it needs to be? i don't see what good it will do me to focus on the pregnancy i lost for the next month when what i should be focusing on (at least what i feel i should be, i don't know if my idea is wrong or not) is the future and looking ahead and getting better. not being stuck in this dark place, i don't like it there and i won't let someone put me back there because they feel like i'm not done dealing with my MC. she also wanted me to request getting my hormones tested to make sure there isn't a chemical imbalance or anything. seriously? so that's now two ppl i don't really like while dealing with this (the first being the gyno at the hospital). i should have waited until this week to make a decision about seeking counselling. if i waited til this week, i probably would have skipped it because i'm feeling so much better about everything without needing to talk to someone. i was hoping to sort through my feelings and make sense of them, not be told what to do. she booked me in for another session in 3 weeks when my hormones should be leveled out and i'm not looking forward to it with the same enthusiasm as i had today before i got there. i feel like i'll be chastized if i have sex with my husband before that appt, that's not how i should be feeling, at all. and now i'm exhausted from that session, more exhausted than i've been since like thursday when i was still very much a basketcase over this or over the weekend when i still sad but feeling more normal. the more i talk about it, the more i'm thinking i should just cancel my next appt altogether because clearly i'm not happy with it.

And just like that it was gone....

i'm not sure how to label the day or the cycle. my mind is a mess. nothing really makes sense anymore...

it's quite obvious by the design changes on my blog that i am no longer expecting our first little one this coming fall :'( i've suffered a miscarriage and its something i hope we never have to re-live for as long as my heart keeps beating. it truely is the worst kind of pain a person can imagine and there is a large hole left in my heart by this.

it started with spotting on monday (january 30 - 6w5d) and it was more than i was comfortable so i called my doc and they got me in late that afternoon. she took a look and said that it is completely normal and its not too much bleeding, but that if i started to hemorrhage or didn't feel quite right to head to the ER to get checked out. she also scheduled and ultrasound for 3pm the next afternoon. that night as i was heading to bed i started cramping like my period was starting. it didn't feel right but i tried to get some sleep in my own bed before going anywhere. by 1am the cramping hadn't subsided and i began passing clots. i had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. i knew what was happening but i didn't want to believe it so i tried my hardest to fall asleep in my own bed.

tuesday morning (january 31 - 6w6d) i called the clinic to explain what had happened and see what they wanted to me to do given the previous days events. DH picked me up at 10am and we headed to the ER. they got us into a room pretty quickly and tried to see if they could find anything on their new portable ultrasound machine. i wasn't surprised they couldn't find anything given that i wasn't that far along and you typically need an internal one until around the 12+ week mark because the uterus is still very low in the pelvis. the on call doc also tried the doppler, but the same thing, he couldn't find anything but i wasn't surprised since you usually can't pick anything up on them until around 12+ weeks as well. he told us to stay put and that he would be getting some blood tests ordered and they would try to get me into my scheduled ultrasound as early as they could. unfortunately i didn't get in any earlier so it was a very long day waiting around in the ER for something to happen. we finally got in and not my surprise, i was in the process of miscarrying. i still burst into tears when being told the actual words, but who wouldn't? you can never prepare yourself for that, to hear those words, its so... final. we finally headed home because we were tired of waiting around the ER for someone to talk to us, but they tracked me down and called me back in to the see the resident gynecologist. i didn't like him very much. he's very "matter of fact" and that's not what i wanted while going through this terrible situation. he made me feel like he was pushing me to get a D&C even though i rathered to try to pass it naturally. he wanted me to come back the next morning to get another ultrasound to see if anything was left in my uterus and if there was, that i would NEED to have the D&C. it just felt like i was getting pushed into this horrible decision and i didn't really have anyone explain my options or pros and cons of getting the D&C done over passing it naturally. i felt like i had no choice in the matter other than choosing to go home for the night. i felt helpless and DH felt even more helpless because he couldn't take away the pain i was feeling or fix what was happening to us. i felt so bad that he couldn't do what he normally does in these situations, fix them. i knew he felt horrible not being able to help his brokendown wife, and that made me feel even worse than i already did. i hate seeing him like that and he hates seeing me like that.

wednesday morning, the day i would have been exactly 7 weeks, i got DH to drop me off at the hospital to begin my second very long day there. i registered, my requisition form said "inevitable abortion", i shouldn't have even looked at the sheet. it was the worst thing to ever read in my life. another reminder of what i was losing. they got me in for the ultrasound right away and it was the same tech from the day before. she wasn't able to give me good news. nothing had changed from the day before. my body was failing me by not miscarrying on its own. i got her to show me everything on the screen. i don't think i'll ever forget seeing that, ever. our baby's gestational sac was collapsing on itself and there was nothing that could be done other than have some sugeon go in and take everything out. i was put in a room to wait for the gynecologist from the day before to see me to get me ready for surgery that i would be having later in the day. around 2:30 a nurse came in to get my IV started to start pushing fluids for surgery. she told me to get DH to come down for support since i had gone in alone that day so he didn't have to sit around helpless for a second day. we had talked all day already by text as well as talking to some close friends. i didn't exactly feel alone but they wanted someone around for me. around 4pm i was brought upstairs for surgery. that's when it really hit me. not that i hadn't before because i spend the better part of 2 days crying my eyes out, but this was it. our baby was being taken from me in a few short minutes and i would no longer be pregnant. i can't even begin to explain the grief i was feeling deciding to go through with the surgery. but i knew that my body was already preventing everything from happening naturally and that the last place i wanted to end up after a few days of nothing happening was back at the hospital getting the D&C anyway. it was hard laying in that bed, with the gown and hat and booties on, waiting to be called into the OR. i even had to walk in there myself and get myself on the table. when i came to after the surgery, i felt a sense of relief. that it was over. i could begin to move on. i didn't really cry at all for the rest of the night. DH came and picked me up to take me home and take care of me. i had this feeling of remorse, but mostly just glad we could begin the healing process. we haven't cuddled so much in bed since we started dating.

overall, i've been doing okay. as good as person going through this can feel i guess. i'm mostly okay, indifferent if anything right now, but i have my moments of anger that this had to even happen and i have my moments of great sadness that we lost our precious little baby. granted a lot of this aftermath is because my hormones are completely out of whack and will take a couple weeks to go back to normal, but i'm sure even my husband is having these feelings, he's just not showing it because he's trying to be strong so i don't completely lose my marbles. i saw my doc today to talk about my options for counselling since it was suggested to me by a nurse in the ER. she said she didn't think i needed it since i seemed to be doing everything i can be doing right, like seeing her and being emotional. who thought being emotional would be a good thing? she'd be more worried about me if i wasn't emotional about this. so she gave a phone number to call for some counselling because i'd much rather seek it out now and feel or be told i don't really need it than to not try it out and in a few months' time be much worse off mentally and need it at that time. i'm trying to be proactive in the healing process because it helps me feel like i'm doing the right thing in this situation. she also said that when we're ready we can try again, there's reason medically that i can't get pregnant right away. my body won't let me get pregnant if its not ready to be. that also made me feel better that i don't have to wait 3 months like the nurses at the hospital were saying.

so we will be okay, we will move on and get through this. its just a much harder process than i ever thought it would be and something i never thought in a million years we would have to deal with.
my posts in the coming weeks will probably be more about my feelings as i work through the pain i feel about all of this and some of the other events leading up to this terrible week......

trucking along....

(5 weeks, 5 days)

time seems to be taking forever to pass since that positive pregnancy test...

since that first bout of morning sickness, i've only had a couple more, which is nice. though, i'm waiting on baited breath for it to start up full force in the coming weeks since i'm still very early in the pregnancy.

not much is new since the last post because i'm kind of in a stand still until i actually start going to appointments, only another 2.5 weeks! it was 4 weeks when i first booked it so i guess time is passing and it will get faster the closer i get to that appointment. i don't have a truckload of symptoms to reassure myself that i indeed have a healthy baby growing in my tummy so i just have to trust that everything is fine i there. i'm hungry all the time, my boobs feel like they're going to fall if i run up or down the stairs or do some jogging, and i've got that lovely bloated belly that probably won't stay hidden for much longer. i'm thinking after my first appointment when me and the hubby go out for a date night that i'll get him to come with me to get some maternity clothes... i don't want to start wearing them until we're ready for the news to get out so i don't draw more attention to the belly than necessary at this point and after my appointment is when we'll start letting family know seems like a good time to me instead of wearing the bella band permanently for another month on top of the month i'll have already been wearing it for by that point.

i want to shout it from the rooftops, but other than the continuing absence of AF and the few symptoms i have, i have no cold hard evidence this pregnancy is viable. you can't hear the fetal heartbeat on the doppler until 12-14 weeks (so not until at least my 2nd appointment) and my doc doesn't send her patients for ultrasounds until the middle of pregnancy unless she thinks its necessary. so i'm kind of at a stagnant point where i am until proven otherwise, but its a long time until i can find that out (another 6-12 weeks on top of the 2 weeks i've known i'm pregnant already). all this worrying may be for nothing, and i'll be voicing my concern to my doctor when i see her and hope she'll send me for one sooner so i can breathe easier knowing i actually do have healthy baby in there.

i've bought some custom t-shirts for our reveal that should be in this week so we can snap a pic of us in them and send them to our family out east so its not just a phone to say, "hey, we're pregnant!", they'll actually have a physical picture. it will be the same picture i'll be using on FB to make our official announcemnt once i'm out of the 1st trimester (or if forced to do so sooner if some ppl can't keep a secret...). we're excited. i've also started looking at furniture for the nursery. a little shocking thinking how expensive this furniture that will only last the first few years of their life is compared to an adult bed that could last the rest of their life. we've also started looking at carseats, something hubby was a little shocked how much they cost, but it definately got him excited about this baby that's going to be in just 7.5 months :)

i'll leave it at that for now and i will definately be starting to post tummy pics soon (probably starting this week even though i started taking them 2 weeks ago) and i'll post the pic of us in our shirts when i get them!

the dreaded morning sickness...

(4 weeks, 1 day)

so yesterday i got my first dose of morning sickness. it was horrible and nothing like i imagined it would be. it also happened a lot earlier than i thought it would at 4 weeks even :-/ i hope it doens't continue for too many days in a row or for too many weeks. i was really hoping to get off lucky...

so today i have to go for another urine test to confirm the pregnancy. i went on tuesday but they had a "weak" positive so my doc wanted to send me back after two days to let the HcG (pregnancy hormone) build up. just waiting for the results now.... but on the plus side, my cheapie internet strips are still definately positive and todays was finally getting darker with FMU  : )

so today, my goal is to constantly eat so i don't get sickly hungry and make my stomach turn. it hit me yesterday shortly after lunch, so we'll see what the next hour brings....


UPDATE: my pregnancy was confirmed by the lab and i booked my first prenatal appt for feb 10! i'll be just over 8 weeks at that point. EEEEE!!!!! i'm getting so excited!

this new journey is so nerve wracking!

(4 weeks, 0 days)

i've done one urine test to confirm the pregnancy for my doc, but it came back as a 'weak' positive (probably because it was at least the 3rd pee of the day). so now i have to pick up another requisition form from the clinic to go back to the lab to do the test again tomoro (i did the first one yesterday). in the meantime, i'm still getting positive results on the internet cheapies, so that's good. i'm also officially late (which seemed like it was going to take forever to happen, lol). so this time, i'm going to make an appt with the lab and go a lot earlier in the day so hopefully the hormones are much more concentrated and it comes back a strong positive and i can then book my first pre-natal appt!

otherwise, still nothing really new. not much in the way of symptoms other than feeling ready for bed an hour and a half earlier, i'm starving every 3 hours and i'm now waking up in the middle of the night. last night was the first time i had to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, the other nights i just randomly woke up... so i guess that's how it starts, lol. i will probably never enjoy a full night's sleep ever again for the next 10 years  :P

otherwise, i'm feeling good. wishing i could get out walking more, but i've been so busy studying so i can finish my latest course before the deadline that i haven't been able to get out except on weekends. at least once this course is done, i can take it a bit more easily on the studying front and keep up with my walk/jogging so that i stay fit and healthy. i'm just glad my doc has given me to the go ahead to continue jogging as long as i can keep up a conversation (which was actually a lot easier than i thought it would be!).

here's to a very happy and healthy 9 months!!!

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!

(3 weeks, 4 days)

I finally got my BFP! still a little hard to believe but the tests are undeniable.

i first tested with FMU and saw a faint line that definately showed up within 3 minutes and just got a bit darker the longer it set. i posted pics of that test in my FB groups and everyone else could see it too. even my DH saw it when i woke him up to show him, lol. after i got confirmation that others could see it, i ran upstairs to show my sleeping husband. i poked him in the arm and then shoved the test in his face and asked if he saw a second line too. he did!

so my next task was to hold my pee for about 4 hours to let the hormones build up again and test again with different tests. i went to our local walmart and picked up a digital pregnancy test since that was the one kind i didn't have already at home. when i got home i had to pee so bad because of the coffee DH bought me so i went upstairs and proceeded to do all my tests. first was the internet cheapies that i have been using to cut the cost and it still had a second line and this time darker. so next up was the first response test that i still had from the double pack i bought last month. that one started out a bit faint (darker than the cheapie) and only got darker so there was absolutely not squinting or screen tilting to see it. since i had those confirmed, last was the first response digital test. waiting those 3 minutes for the answer to pop up felt like an eternity, lol. although it is very reassuring seeing those words come up, "yes +".

so i'm cautiously optimistic since its still early and i haven't even missed an AF yet... but i'm pretty sure our little baby is securely stuck in there since i had massive cramping on 6/7 dpo that definately like AF cramps but obviously way too early. the only other indication i've had is that i'm perpetually hungry the last couple days. otherwise, absolutely no symptoms, nothing! not my regular sore boobs (which i was surprised about), no frequent bathroom trips.... nothing. so i'm hoping i get lucky, but i honestly don't care what i'm handed this pregnancy since i'm finally pregnant and will take what i can get because it means i have that baby growing inside of me!

EDD: September 19/2012 <3

(cycle 16, day 28, 9dpo)

its been a while since i last updated...

since my last update:
-we celebrated christmas

-had a good talk about BDing and TTC

-went to a IIHF world juniors game
-rang in the new year
-i hit my 20lb mark in weight watchers

christmas was good. low key which i like. on xmas eve we had my mom, sister and her bf, and my aunt over for some lasagna (i had decided a couple months ago i was not making a turkey, lol). it was a good supper and we opened a couple gifts and then tried to play the new "cranium: brain break" game which we're still trying to figure out how to keep score when some activities are 'everyone plays'.... xmas morning we woke up a bit later than planned to get to my moms a bit earlier, but its christmas, its okay. got some great gifts from my husband and he absolutely loves the bar fridge i got him. got to my moms and opened the rest of those gifts. once again my mom went a little overboard on buying presents and got us some things that we really don't care for. but i've to accept that that's just going to happen whether we like it or not.

boxing day was a very early and long day. i actually went boxing day shopping. i was not prepared, lol. i went with my sister and her bf first thing in the morning so that i'd be sure to get the camera i'd been eyeing up for a few months (canon rebel t2i). 6:00am is very early. but not too early for boxing day shopping apparently. when we got to best buy at 5:45 (they opened at 6) there was quite a lineup already. luckily they had tickets for ppl for their doorcrashers so as long as i got to where my camera was in the first 3 hours, i was guaranteed one. when they opened the doors, i was a little surprised how civil everyone was. no pushing, no stampeeding... something that i guess happens in the states on black friday. i got to the line for the camera (they had about 7 lines within the store for these doorcrashers) and was in it for about 45 minutes. it actually wasn't that bad. and thankfully they were taking payment at the end of the line so you didn't have to go stand in another line for that. once we were done at best buy, we zipped over to future shop for the tv DH wanted for the bedroom. it wasn't even that busy. it was more like a very busy xmas season shopping day in there. of course parking was a little harder come by, but it really wasn't that bad. in and out within 15 minutes. we were in the city for a total of 90 minutes and made it home and back in bed before the sun even came up!

so i got some extra hours of sleep in before getting up for the day and then getting ready for our big family dinner with my extended family. i also tested out and read up on the new camera. totally love it. although i'm pretty sure i'm going to be taking a course so i can understand and use all the different settings it has. hubby made his now famous mashed potatoes and we headed over to my uncles. supper was great. i didn't overindulge and stayed within my diet (quite an accomplishment considering how bad my sweet tooth has been previously).

tuesday (dec 27) my boss had given me 2 tickets to see a world juniors game. it was nice of him, but i'm pretty sure i only got them cuz he needed to get rid of them (not that i'm complaining). we watched czech vs denmark. it was an okay game. a little boring since it wasn't canada, but hey, they were free, lol.


i look like i'm back to my wedding weight!



friday i caught a lovely cold. boo! it was only an extremely stuffed nose, but i was so exhausted by saturday with trying to breathe i felt a lot sicker than i actually was because of it. i even missed out on a new years eve party because i had no energy to go anywhere or do anything. that cold stuck around until monday and by tuesday i was finally doing better and only had a bit of a stuffed nose by then. my nose and lips sure took a beating with the cold. both were so chapped from the constant use of kleenex and having to breathe through my nose.

this wednesday i went to my Weight Watcher's meeting and finally hit my 20lb mark! yes, i've lost a total of 20.4lbs. its unbelievable when i think about my scale ever being at 160lbs. now i'm back into pretty much all the pants i was wearing before gaining all that weight and i now have to buy a new belt, lol. it feels amazing knowing i'm capable of losing that much weight and i'm about half way to where i ultimately want to be, but i'm now less than 10lbs from where i would be happy with my weight.

yesterday DH attended a memorial for a fallen volunteer fire fighter in BC. it really hit home with him because he was close in age and recently married. apparently there was quite the turn out and i get sad just looking at the pics of it on FB (mostly because i can't bear to watch look at funeral type stuff anymore because of personal reasons). here's some links to a few of the news stories:
http://www.vancouversun.com/news/thewest/Fallen+Enderby+firefighter+leaves+bride+behind/5928919/story.html
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/01/04/bc-firefighter-killed-funeral.html


on the TTC front. i don't really want to talk about the convo DH and i had about TTC and BDing because its not going to get me anywhere right now and i'm all talked about it. i will say that O day was on dec 28 based on positive OPKs on cd 17 and 18 (cd18's OPK being increadibly dark so i'm basing O off that one). today is 9dpo and so far i feel nothing. absolutely nothing. normally i'd have something by now, usually sore boobs that always start around 8dpo, but not this month. i'm really hoping a lack of symptoms is a good thing for me but i guess we'll see in the morning since that's when i plan to first test and it should be late enough in my LP to get an accurate result. either way, no matter which result i get, i'll still test probably each day after until AF shows up and if she doesn't, i'll probably test every few days to make sure its still positive. we BD'd O-3 and O-1 and a few times before that so dh's sperm should have been fresh and raring to go for those 2 attempts (better odds than other months)........ *fingers crossed!!!*