timing

(day 16, O day)

i'm finally Oing! took long enough  >: ( 

all week I was waiting for a positive opk and I finally got one yesterday. i'm really hoping we get a Christmas surprise. the timing would all be prefect. not having to go to MIL's wedding to see DH's cousin's baby who's due the day before I was (i'm sure I've mentioned it a few times), having the baby well before my BFs wedding, easily going through a couple of the first weeks being distracted because we'll be so busy with xmas, getting out of the first trimester just before our due date (so my mind would hopefully be distracted by a healthy baby growing instead), halfway through the pregnancy around my bday, actually get to be pregnant for a mothers day finally, and actually be due just in time for DH's bday.

I was starting to get worried this cycle would be a waste just the way it was all working out. I was expecting to O 2 days ago and the BDing we did over the weekend would have counted and DH wouldn't be as worn out as he is (though he is putting in a lot of effort. I think its finally hit him how long we've been at this and how close we've come to it that he doesn't want it to take much longer). I was starting to get worried we wouldn't get any BDing in that would count. we were supposed to BD Tuesday but DH came home super late. we BDd the next day at lunch which usually fails miserably, but thankfully we pulled it off because i'm not sure how after work would have went after already trying it at lunch. better not to wait and chance it not happening at all. then I was worried it wouldn't happen last night because DH came home a little later than usual from fire practice, but we worked it out. so at least we have some baby stuff in there. I just hope it actually turns into a baby  :-/

and if it does turn into a baby, then I get to worry about seeing the specialist before we leave for Ontario. i'm basically forced to test early so that I can know about it as soon as possible so I can have a chance of getting an apt on short notice (like at most 3-4 days before we leave). and that's if I implant as early as the last two because if I can't get a BFP before AFs scheduled arrival, I doubt i'll get in to see him at 4 weeks like he wants, it will be closer to 7 weeks since Ontario will take up the first 2.5 weeks... at least that would mean I'd be getting an US pretty much right after we get back. so I guess there's some kind of silver lining... provided it doesn't all go to hell before that point... I hate the psychological mindgames a MC causes you. all these worries that doesn't do anyone any good.

house update

now that we've done just about all we can before xmas holidays, I thought i'd post a couple of pics:



finished outside complete with soffit lights lit up

future nursery all mudded and ready for sanding/painting

hallway/stairwell/nook mudded
had to build a platform over the stairs so it was easier to work up there when taking off all the popcorn on the ceiling and mudding it. a lot better than going up and down a ladder 5 million times to move it

hallway ready to be sanded/painted

scratch coat on the tub surround. ready for tile

insulation and vapour barrier finished in the garage

drywall going up in the garage

and that's about how we finished up before the new year. we're getting closer and closer to finishing this thing! DH might try to get a bit more drywall done in the garage in the next 2 weeks cuz he'd like to get more sheets off the floor and on the walls before he parks his truck in there over the holidays, but he'll have to get help cuz i'm done, I've got too much baking to do! lol.

i'm happy with where we got. in the new year, I can get back to mudding upstairs. hopefully I can finish our new bedroom by the end of January so that I can rip out the rest of the old carpet, the texture can go on the ceiling and get new carpet installed by end of February. I've just got a bit of touching up in the ensuite and the rest of exiting upstairs is done, so there's just the new bedroom and a final coat in the closet. DH just has to drywall the bulkheads and one wall in the garage and then he can work on tiling the shower and tub in January. he needs to have that done before we put in the underlay in the new bedroom as well as carpet because of the tile saw. don't want to get anything on the new carpet! we're hiring someone to do the mudding in the garage and we'll get them at the same time we get new texture on the ceiling upstairs so they're only coming in once. so we'll have the garage ready to go, I just have to get finished mudding, sanding and priming everything before then.

fingers crossed we're done soon!

the follow up

had my follow up with the gyno/specialist for the blood work we both did and US I had... everything is completely normal  >: (  was kinda hoping something was off to point us in a direction, but I guess normal is good. I asked about progesterone since that hasn't been tested at all at this point, but he said with how many pregnancies progress with lower than average progesterone numbers and some pregnancies don't with good numbers, its one of those things where if I feel more comfortable with taking it, then we can do that, but there isn't enough evidence in science to point in that direction since its more of a cautionary thing than a particular need. I just wanted to ask him about it since I know so many women who take it.

so we have a few options at this point:

A - we can go get karyotyping done (Canada's requirement is 3 MCs, but he said he could get us in) to see if we're just on the shit end of the chromosome jackpot. because going this route would require a decent amount of time off work (at least a half day, if not a full day), its a little difficult to get DH up to the city (an hour away), do the testing, then back to work. so we've decided for now, to hold off on it. if we (god forbid) have another MC or it takes us longer than the next year to conceive, we will go that route.

B - go on progesterone supplements for a preferred 3 months before a pregnancy to get the levels where they should be (he said it takes about 3 months for the supplements to take full effect). though I have my doubts about this given the way the last pregnancy played out. I don't want to mask another MC. if I wasn't taking progesterone last time, then I probably would have started bleeding sooner than 11w (a full 4 weeks after the baby had stopped growing) and not gotten as far as telling the whole family again about the pregnancy. 4 weeks is a long time to go thinking everything is fine when its not. its gave me an incredibly false sense of security getting that far and it has now taken those first 12 weeks away from any future pregnancy because i'll be full of worry until I see a second US showing a baby bigger than 7w. so while I know extra progesterone can help a pregnancy until the fetus takes over, I also know that it doesn't always make a difference, so i'm on the fence about taking it, though leaning more towards not taking it (which I had totally forgotten about feeling this way when I was talking to him. if I had remembered this, I wouldn't have bothered asking him...). the specialist is going to a seminar about progesterone in the new year, so he said if I feel I want to go that route, I can wait until that point to see if there is anything new regarding it and whether it is something that should be done or not.

C - wait it all out and cross our fingers 3rd times a charm. this would obviously be the best case scenario and the preferred route. i'm also hoping its a relatively short route and we get a BFP very soon.

in the meantime, he prescribed a higher dose of folic acid for me to take since it can't really hurt (guess I gotta get back on prenatals since i'd given up on them after the MC) and if a pregnancy happens, to call and book an apt with him asap and he wants to see me when i'm pretty well newly pregnant (so i'd have to get his receptionist to book a last minute apt since its about a month wait time to see him). right now, i'm CD12 and should O on cd14... hoping we get an early xmas gift and get a BFP.... but i'm not holding out hope given our history.

gearing up

(day 9)

gearing up for a lot of things coming up soon:
-3 weeks til we venture east for xmas
-1 last weekend push to get what we can done on the house before leaving
-Christmas in general
-O day is next week

I gotta start taking our dog in the truck for longer drives to get her used to being in it for long periods of time. I also have to start putting her in her mobile home so she doesn't freak out in it when we cross the border. that starts this weekend, maybe even today. its gotta get done because I don't want it to be the day we're leaving on a nearly 30 hour drive to introduce new things to her, like being locked up in the truck. i'll probably start with a trip to the pet store in the city an hour away and then maybe a longer ride later this weekend or next week.

this weekend is my last one to get anything done on the house. i'm almost done with the vapour barrier in the garage because I apparently turned that into a one person job that only I can do because i'm the only one who has patience. I should be able to get the last little bit done today or tomoro and be back to mudding upstairs at least by sunday. DH started talking about laying tile for the tub surround, so I guess I really gotta get working on finishing the mud in the ensuite that I've been forgetting to do. maybe i'll finish that room before we leave and then all i'll have left to mud is the master bedroom when we get back (and the last bit of patching in the living room). at that point, I can sand, prime and paint everything as well as rip out the old carpet so we can get the new stuff in. I know we're not far off now. DH just has to buckle down and actually do more than a couple hours here and there. he's holding up the works  : P

the reason we only have one full weekend left to work on the house before taking a break for xmas? parties and baking. I didn't do a lot of baking last year, but for some reason I feel compelled to do a ton of baking this year, and I plan on freezing a good portion of it so that I can enjoy cookies well into summer without having to make any  : P  I've got a list of about 8-10 different things I want to make, not sure how much of it i'll get done, but I've got them numbered in order of how important they are so i'll start with #1 and get what I can done, lol. I also want to make some banana muffins for the trip so we have something to munch on if we're not nearby a town to grab take out. i'll probably also bring a bag of carrots or something for a healthy alternative  ; )
next weekend we have both of DH's xmas parties. Friday is his work on and Saturday is the fire dept one. not really looking forward to either one, but I have to go. and since DH will likely be out of commission as far as getting work done, i'm going to do some baking to fill my time. the weekend after that is the family xmas get together to exchange gifts so for the remainder of that weekend I plan on baking as well. I have a long list, so I need the time to bake it all and wash the dishes after each batch so I can make the next, haha. the weekend after that? Ontario.

so i'm on cd9, which means I should be almost in my fertile zone this cycle. hopefully i'll get some nice EWCM in the next day or so and i'll O Thursday and i'll get (fingers crossed) a BFP the week before we leave. that would be perfect wouldn't it? one can dream.

confusion and a happy dance

(day 6)

I lost track of how many cycles i'm now at... I think around 38 or so? i'll just count cycle days and DPO count at the beginning of my posts since i'm not totally sure what cycle number i'm on.

so this cycle we're going to be TTC. really really really (I can't type enough "really"s) hoping for a BFP cuz god knows I don't want to be on a longer break or even still TTC. i'm just coming off AF and my last 2 cycles were the exact same (though I was thinking last cycle would be a day shorter because I was thinking I might have Od a day early, turns out that wasn't the case as per when AF showed up) so I don't expect it to be different this cycle, maybe a day either way, but no more than that.

today is also my exploratory US for the specialist. I probably won't have any info to update on today as i'm guessing the specialist will look at it later this week and get and then give me the results at my follow up with him next week, when i'll get the results from my bloodwork as well as what they got out of DH.

which is another story I didn't share on my blog! ugh. I wish I had known DH had to get bloodwork back when I had my first apt with the specialist so that I knew exactly what he wanted since the requisition was a little vague with the way its filled out on a computer. I got a call 13 days before my follow up apt that they wanted DH to get some bloodwork done as well to help rule him out of the equation. not a lot of time for DH to plan for it. there were 4 things checked off (nothing compared to what I had to get!) and the testosterone test left a bit of a question. when the forms are filled out on the computer, you don't see the individual boxes to check things off when its printed out. apparently there is a box beside the testosterone test that says to go either between 8-10am and another box for 3-5pm. we weren't aware of that so myself and the receptionist both thought he could go in during either window of time to get it done. since he can't leave work in the mornings during that time because that's their busiest time of the day, he went in the afternoon. so then I got an angry text from him when the lab told him he was supposed to come in the morning for the testosterone test. enter anger at how all of this came about  >: (  they also told him he needed another form to get karyotyping done so I also get an angry text about that, which I had to explain that the specialist wasn't sending us for that work up until after all the results come back and nothing shows up to indicate an issue. even then, we might have to wait for a 3rd MC to be sent for that testing. so here I am, freaking out about not having the testosterone results because of the shitty setup with the form. I call the receptionist to let her know and try to find out if it is a crucial test to get done, but she wasn't much help other than telling me that the specialist will let me know. ugh. i'm hoping the other 3 tests come back completely normal which maybe that would point to his testosterone being normal since the others all kind of work together in the hormone department with it...


on a second, more exciting note to end this post on:
I'M FINALLY STARTING TO FIT BACK INTO MY PRE-PREGNANCY JEANS!!!  : D
its about damn time that started happening. I was looking for a pair of those pre-preg jeans the other day and didn't see them in the pile of other pants, so I had to look for them since I hadn't seen them in a while. found them and 3 or 4 other pairs that stopped fitting sometime around week 7 (so about 4-5 months ago). tried all of them on and some of my shorts and found that I was within about an inch of fitting all the jeans again. happy day! the shorts weren't fitting still, but i'm hoping that if i'm not pregnant by summer (which would super super suck cuz that's like 8 months from now) that they'll fit again. i'm almost there though : )

bloodwork - check

decided to get the bloodwork done last week for the RPL work up the specialist wanted. I knew there would be a lot of vials to fill, but didn't realize just how many! holy crap! hope I never have to do that again!!! I guess I should have counted how many tests he wanted to get done because I probably would've realized how many vials would have to be filled...

FIFTEEN! That's how many I had to fill. I thought maybe 8 or so since I know for early pregnancy, that's about how many are taken. oops, my mistake. I started realizing when the lab tech kept coming back with more vials  : P  at least she was nice enough to use a contraption that allows her to switch the vials without touching the needle in my arm, thank goodness for that! I was absolutely dreading having her change 15 vials directly from the needle, but with that contraption, I was actually okay with looking at what was going on at that point (something I've never been able to do until after the needle is in, like when you get an IV) and didn't feel a thing.

at least until my vein stopped pumping blood... she tried tying the rubber band back on my arm to get the blood pressure up, then undoing it, then moving around the needle a bit to get it in a better spot within the vein. ouch. she got to 14 and said she might be able to just share some of the blood from other vials to make up the last one, but looked over the others ones and said she'd like to try the other arm to fill up the ones that were needing a bit more and to fill that last one. I wasn't looking forward to having my other arm done since I don't think I've gotten a needle in that arm in a very long time, like probably well over 10+ years. she took one look at that arm and said it would be super quick cuz there was a really good vein. she was right, it was quick.

I was SO hungry afterwards since one of the tests I had to fast for. I hate going to the lab in the morning because they're usually pretty busy with everyone else who also have fasting tests and I typically go early in the afternoon and don't have to wait more than 15 minutes. I guess lunch is a bit busier. so I had to wait about an hour til I got called in. at that point, I hadn't eaten in 16 hours (only needed 12). I was prepared to feel a little lightheaded after that many vials, but I was surprised that wasn't the case, happy too. as soon as I was done at the lab, I went for something to eat. oddly enough, I didn't eat supper til almost midnight that day, so I only ate twice and almost 12 hours between the last couple meals... oops!

the results of those tests should be back in about a week, good thing I went last week instead of waiting til this week to go in and run the chance of not getting the results in time for the follow up... I have the US next week to check out my uterus and the follow up a week after that. hoping we get some answers and aren't left with more questions...

New Tattoo

it's been over 7 years since I got a tattoo and the only reason I kept waiting was because I wanted to see how my body stretched out during pregnancy since all the ones I was wanting to get I was going to get on either side of my lower back (in favour of keeping them in areas easily hidden for work). after so much waiting, I said fuck it and finally got a new one. one to symbolize our angel babies.

I decided to get the due date birth month flowers of both our babies. getting on to symbolize the month they were conceived, or the month they were lost didn't quite seem right (especially since the day of the D&Cs were a different month than when they were actually no longer a viable pregnancy. so due date just felt right and appropriate. DH was a little confused why I didn't get any dates on it, but it didn't feel right including those for the same reasons why I chose the due date month. I love it and its beautiful!

debating getting a bit more colour put in it, but i'll wait til its healed to make that choice. for now, its super itchy since its started healing. I remember my first tattoo being itchy when it started healing, but I didn't remember how long after getting it that it started, so kept waiting for it to start, but it didn't til about the 3rd day, now its driving me crazy, lol. I also didn't remember the first one hurting that much during the actual tattooing, but it was also just line work, no having to go back to do shading or colour. after the first hour, it started hurting more because it felt like she was working on the same spot for a half hour and my jaw was getting sore from the way I was laying... after an hour and a half, and about my breaking point when I just needed a quick 5 minute break to stretch, she had me sit up to take a look at it to see if she needed to do anything more to it. I was surprised she was done already because when I went for the consult, she guessed it would take about 3 hours, so I was bracing myself for another hour and a half of work, lol.

i'm so happy with it and am not bothered that not all my shirts will cover it. its not something I want to cover up all the time and something I can have with me all the time to remember them. I can also add to it if we end up with more losses, something that as much as I don't want to have happen, was a requisite for the tattoo because of our TTC struggles. after we have kids, i'll get another one on the other shoulder for our living babies.

a little something DH texted me after I asked him if he would be bothered seeing this everyday:

"no... I will be reminded of how much we

love each other and no matter what we run into

we will always work together to get through"

wishy washy

that's what I feel like. like I can't make up my own damn mind about TTC. one minute i'm saying we're on a break, the next its TTC, the next its a break, NTNP, TTC... I feel like anyone who's been following my blog, or members of TTC groups view me as wishy washy. though i'm sure they can all understand why we keep bouncing back and forth, I just feel like I don't even know what we're doing half the time.

I don't like jumping back and forth between TTC and not TTC, its not fun. its also made it harder to tell if we're having more issues than just an inability to stay pregnant, like if there's something going on affecting our ability to get pregnant, or if we're just one of those couples who have to try for up to a year. since both pregnancies happened after periods we weren't TTC and breaks and NTNP, its hard to paint an accurate picture of how long it actually took to get pregnant. like do we count every single month even if there wasn't any BDing going on? do we only count the months we actually put in effort? the months where there was a shot because we were NTNP and the months we actively tried? its hard to know what to say if a doctor asks. if I only counted months where there was some BDing during my fertile window, both pregnancies happened in less than a year of trying even if they both took nearly a year and a half of actual time (the first was 8 months of TTC over 16 months of time. the second was 11 months of TTC over 18 months of time). those breaks have eaten up a lot of time.

can we just fast forward to the future when I've been able to make it into the second trimester (so I can enjoy the being pregnant part) and then give birth to a THB? cuz this before shit is getting old, as am i.

in the middle

had a convo with DH about TTC with the potential due dates conflicting with travel and I got this response: "if it happens, it happens and we'll work around it". happy day! somewhat anyway...

it means we'll be bouncing back and forth between TTC and avoiding for the next few months. I still don't have an official date from my BF for her wedding so I can't plan around it yet, but I should be good for the next 2 months. we can't TTC this month anyway cuz the due date would be mere days before MIL's wedding and i'm not sending my DH across the country when i'm either a week overdue and he runs the chance of entirely missing the birth of his baby, i'm still in the hospital after having a baby and have to get my mom to drive me home, or leave me and a brand new baby home alone for a couple days. not happening. not that I would think it would actually work this cycle, but i'm not chancing it. I dont' mind sending him alone, but with a potential due date that close to it, no. it also gives us a chance to get the first bit of testing done and if meds are needed to sustain a pregnancy, we'll know about it before one happens.

ideally i'd get pregnant next cycle. in all sorts of ways, it would be convenient. almost as convenient as it would have been if last cycle worked.
1) i won't have to see DH's cousin's new baby that is due the day before I was
2) nothing conflicting with BFs wedding
3) won't have to take a long-ass break from TTC, only this cycle
4) round of testing ordered will be done and hopefully an answer/fix
5) my yearly physical falls when I would know if i'm prego or not so I can get the appropriate meds/requisitions for anything that needs to be scheduled ahead of time (like the US)
6) first few weeks will be while away so will help pass time before first US

I know better than to be so hopeful that it will work out that way, but one can dream. at least i'll feel like i'm not wasting the next 6 months of TTC. it will all depend on when BFs wedding is and i'm hoping she'll know by xmas so that i'm not in limbo as to whether we can TTC during whichever cycles.


I have my US the gyno wanted scheduled for Nov 26 and the follow up with him on Dec 2. I have to get bloodwork done before that, so i'm going to get that done next Friday so the results are in before the follow up. its going to be a busy lead up to the holidays!

the universe can go to hell

feeling pretty lost lately. I went to a wedding over the weekend and I saw no less than a combined minimum of 10 pregnant or new mothers  : (  it felt like an inadvertent slap in the face from the universe. that was supposed to be me! I was supposed to be 5 months along with a lovely bump to prove it. instead i'm still left with empty arms, a broken heart and a break from TTC. WTF? wtf universe?!?!

I got to sit through a dinner listening to a friend talk all about her pregnant and how she's not quite at the excited "omg, i'm pregnant" which to me just burns a hole through my soul because i'd be ecstatic to be in her shoes like I should be.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. some days I feel fine and none of this bothers me as much as it does other days. some days i'm just seething with anger towards my situation and long for the days I was pregnant or when I was naïve enough to think we wouldn't have issues and first started TTC.

DH hasn't really been helping the situation either. when we see babies, all he can say is how excited he is for when its us, but all I can think is "if we're lucky enough to even get that far". I feel like my fertile years are slipping me by and DH hasn't got a clue how long this is really taking. it will be minimum 4 years since we started TTC to have a baby since its been over 3 already and we have to take a break for the next while. that puts any due date well beyond the 4 year mark and might as well call it a potential 2015 due date because I highly doubt that the few months that we can TTC that would result in a 2014 baby would even work. god knows if having a baby in 2015 will even work. how much longer can I possibly do this? will I be going into my 30's without ever making it out of the first trimester? with how long this is taking, its becoming a real possibility that it could happen (turning 30 and still no baby). how many years of TTC would that be? we started TTC when I was 24! again, WTF universe!!!

I could be getting all out of sorts for nothing and with the testing i'm about to get, find out why I've MCd twice and when we can start TTC again, it will happen quickly. its never worked out that way, but maybe our luck will change. it would be a nice change of pace.