well that's that

(cycle 10, day 1)

it pains to say/write that we're nearing that one year mark since i've been off the pill and 'not preventing' a pregnancy. but really, we've only actively tried the last 2 months out of the last 9 and we're onto our 10th cycle. when talking to one of the nurses that often does my dressing change (yes, i'm still dealing with that!) she suggested i talk to my doctor since you don't really need to do all the waiting some resources suggest you do before getting tested for infertility (writing that actually hurt more than thinking it because now it's out there instead of just in my head). i explained that even though we've been 'trying' for 9 months, there was really only a handful of months that it actually could've worked so i think i decided for us that we'll wait until christmas (that hurt a little too thinking that far ahead and not automatically thinking that i would be pregnant by then) to start testing for infertility (again, ouch).

last month i decided to try a month without tracking my BBT but my CM has never really been reliable. when i thought i should be expecting my monthly gift, i got extremely frustrated when she didn't show and i got a BFN along with slight spotting for 2.5 days. i'm now having just about the worst case of back pain i've had in a very long while and random cramps that hurt like the dickens. i'm not a happy camper today, i especially wasnt the past 3 days while i was limbo waiting for something to happen.

so now we're at a point where i'm not sure i want to continue trying because of our plans to build that addition to the house next spring. basically if we're successful anytime in the next 3 months, its going to be incredibly chaotic around the possible due date. i'm worried because when we are building, i definately won't be able to do very much and i'll feel helpless and DH will feel like he's the only one doing any work around the house. i'll either be heavily pregnant or caring for a newborn who takes all my time all day long.

having a baby during renovations just sounds like a bad idea and i can already see how its going to play out: i'm going to be taking care of a baby all day long while hubby is at work; he'll get home from work and then get straight to work on the addition while i continue to care for a baby; he'll want to go to bed and i'll be up all night caring for a baby because hubby is too tired from all the hard work he puts in everyday and i won't get any help with a baby and be running on no sleep because i'll be up all night and day taking care of OUR baby. definately not how i picture our first months with a new baby : (

but even with all that, we don't want to put trying on hold because god knows how much longer it could take us after we would start trying again. i also can't help but think if we're successful this month that i would happen to go into labour on a day that either supplies are showing up for the addition (like concrete trucks) or his dad and step-mom flying in and we'll be at the hospital and everything will be at a standstill and people will be left at the airport. ARGH!!! lets just hope everything falls into place and i don't have to worry about any of that....

and so because we're going to continue trying, i renewed my fertility friend membership (mostly because i like to track my temps so i know exactly which day to expect AF instead of about which day she'll show up. plus then i get the extra features like the pregnancy tracker after ovulation : P