its getting too frustrating

(cycle 13, day 1)

can i be totally honest and say that i'm VERY close to giving up TTC? this past cycle i basically just went through the motions without even getting upset about any part of it. heck, i nearly forgot to even use my OPKs this month (which i'm pretty sure is the reason i didn't get a distinct + on them because i tested 5 hours later than i did the day i got a + the first month i used them). i was diligent about taking my temps, but i never obsessed over them or my chart, so that is definately not the stressful part of TTC. for me, the most stressful part is BD timing. we rarely get it right. 4/12 months we had low chances, 6/12 the chances were non-existant and 2/12 (the last 2) we had 'good' chances, which are also the months i've used OPKs.

i think the stress of getting the bathroom reno done played a part this cycle. its the reason i nearly forgot to use the OPKs, too busy working and not thinking about testing until much later in the day. i'm hoping that since we should hopefully have the bathroom done this week that we can go back to being less stressed and maybe, just maybe, next cycle we'll get it right...

i have high hopes, but at the same time, i don't have hope. one good thing about it taking so long to happen is that its less likely that i'll be giving birth right in the middle of our anticipated addition so our lives won't be more chaotic than it already will be. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and my yearning for a child is getting worse and it breaks my heart even more when i think about us still being childless after a year off the pill. its getting to where our kids will be so much younger than anyone elses, they'll have no one to play with when we do eventually have our own.

why can't i have the one thing i want most? why does this have to be so damned hard to make happen? why do some girls get it easy and not others? why can't it just be a one-man operation?

i'm so lost.... and angry.... and sad at our misfortune.... i don't know if i'll be able to go another month after this one.... i think i'll be done putting in effort after this cycle.... i'm done trying....
ITS. JUST. TOO. HARD.