meh

(cycle 13, day 15)

i'm not overly optimistic, but i feel like i have to be. i'll be surprised if we end up with good chances this month of getting pregnant. i got what i think is a positive OPK today which historically means i'm going to O tomoro. i'm not ready to O yet to be honest. i was kind of hoping i wouldn't until cd18 but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. i'm going to have to get creative if i'm going to get dh in the sack to bd at least once more before i infact O (something i haven't been overly successful at).

everyone around seems like their pregnant right now. ppl close to me aren't, but in my virtual world of the internet, practically everyone is. the one really hurt hearing about is my 15 year old cousin. it wasn't expected and she didn't find out until she was at least 4 months along. i'm a little surprised that she ended up pregnant because of her upbringing, i would think that would be the last thing she would want, but she's happy, so i'm happy for her. i'd be lying though if i didn't say the thought of adopting her baby hadn't crossed my mind, as wrong as it is to even think about that : (

so hopefully we can get it done this month. i just want to be onto the next phase of preparing for the baby that's growing iside me. i want to plan the nursery and buy things here and there that our baby will use. i've avoided doing any of that or even any kind of window shopping so i don't get my hopes up and stare at un-used baby items forever. i want it be my turn. please?

if this doesn't happen to be our month, i am actually going to call my doc to see if there is anything we/i can do to help this along. i'll probably beg dh to come with me so we can both talk to her (even though i'm sure he won't because he won't talk to anyone about any of this).... i'm incredibly frustrated with all of this.