Monday, May 13, 2013

Mother's Day.... sigh

yeah... i'm still bitter about mothers day. the same as last year.

I shouldn't have logged onto facebook at all yesterday. I was bombarded by mothers day this and mothers day that and how thankful women are to have their kids and so on and so forth. it was also hard to do groceries because everyone and their mom (heh) were out either buying things for their mothers day meal, or gifts/flowers for their moms. it ripped my heart out. I want so badly to at least be pregnant next mothers day so I don't tear up at the drop of a hat over a simple comment "happy mothers day" or just seeing a bunch of ppl doing things for their moms. if i'm not, then I think i'll be changing my grocery day to Saturday so don't have to see it all. it was all just so frustrating, heartbreaking, saddening, hurtful, everything. I just wanted to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

even my family still forgets how fragile I am about the baby I lost. I was at the family dinner yesterday and when we were all sitting around the table, my aunt starts counting all the mothers in the family: 3 - my grandma, my mom and an aunt. I couldn't help but tear up so left the table before anyone could see my face. I hate being forgotten and I hate being in this limbo.

limbo. that place where you were supposed to be a mother, but all you are is a mother to an angel so no one ever sees this child you didn't get to mother so they forget about you. you're left behind to pick up the pieces of the life you should've had and expected to continue on without getting upset over little things. the little things that mean so much to a mom that should have been. that hug or cuddle you get from you LO on mothers day. the card your family gets for you. the breakfast in bed your husband helps the kids make. the little things that most ppl don't realize are huge things to someone who had to let those thoughts die along with their baby. I didn't get any of it. this year was supposed to be my first mothers day with my child. instead, I got up at 8am to start working on the house. nothing. no special breakfast, no hug or cuddle, just loneliness and longing for what could have been. limbo.

lets hope next year is better...

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