no more wondering

(day 1)

AF finally showed up after what seemed like forever. obviously that's not what I wanted to happen, but I did some research and it looks like there are other reasons that make sense for why my LP was getting so long. I think I may have had a corpus luteum cyst. they can spontaneously happen at any time in an adult woman's life with no rhyme or reason. it happens when the lining of the uterus doesn't shed causing AF, it instead just balls up and turns into a cyst and can delay AF and prolong the LP. its about the only thing other than pregnancy that can change a woman's LP since it doesn't change more than a day or so for a woman. and because it can prolong the LP, even if I were pregnant and had one, i'd have still gotten a BFP when I typically should and not delay that as well. so I have a strong feeling that is what happened this cycle. hopefully its the last one I ever have. the only good thing to come out of it? that as long as my next cycles are of typical length for me, I won't have to worry about being on the bubble of whether or not I can fly for my BFs wedding in October.


other thoughts over the last couple days:

this isn't the way its supposed to be  :'(

I've been having a rough time the last day or so because of everything that's going on lately. AF being late (but showed up today), work sucking more and more each day, the day we lost our first angel baby is coming up in a week, our due date for our second angel baby is in a month... its just getting to be too much. we shouldn't even be at this point.

yesterday was a shitty day at work. between one printer working against me, my boss not really doing things properly for clients and causing issues, the bosses son doing subpar work cuz he's not properly trained and I have to fix it (which would've been faster for me to do it from the start the amount of time its taking me to fix it). I've been biding my time here because my plan has always been to wait til I go on mat leave and then just go into a new job when that's done and say good riddance to this place. the reason I wanted to do it that way, was so that I had at least a year into a new job before taking another mat leave for a second baby because if I switch now, its possible I won't have that year and that means my job wouldn't be guaranteed to me when i'm done. I can still take mat leave, but they don't have to keep my job for me. I shouldn't even still be here  :'(  I should've been able to leave a year and a half ago, but that baby didn't make it so i'm still here. I should've been gone now and have just started my mat leave, but that baby also didn't make it so i'm still here. it never ends.

I also shouldn't be having to take a TTC break so I can make it back to Ontario for my best friends wedding. I should already have a baby in tow and not have to worry about not being able to fly and if we do wait those 2 months so that if by some miracle I get pregnant on our first month when we can try again, I don't have to worry about going into premature labour before 32 weeks (how far along i'd be if we get pregnant when we can start trying again). none of this should even be on our radar  :'(