struggling

until a couple days ago, I thought I was doing pretty good with our TTC struggles and losses. not so.

I feel like I'm thinking about it all damn day. like I can't escape my thoughts and anger towards the situation. I can kind of feel myself sinking back into the depression I had in the first half of 2012 following our first loss. I'm spending a good portion of the day on the verge of tears and then a portion of that time with tears in my eyes. let's not even get started on my anger right now. just about every little thing sets it off in the last 2 days. I have major road rage that's way worse than normal not to mention the little things that set me into a fit of anger that DH does unintentionally. i'm either ready to rip someone's head off or ready to swim in a pool of tears. this isn't good and I don't think DH has any clue about the turmoil I've got going on in my head  :'(  actually no one does other than a very small handful of close online friends that I have. and I guess anyone that reads this blog...

what's not helping my emotional state? women who got pregnant at the same time as my first pregnancy are all going to be giving birth in the coming year and i'm still no where near getting pregnant, nevermind making it safely out of the first trimester... i'm being lapped. I should be starting to think about when we should be ttc #2 since #1 should be around 18 months old now. instead i'm terrified i'll never actually get to experience more than what the first trimester brings along with the heartache that MC brings.

I feel like i'm going to be turning 30 in 2 short years and we'll still be in this limbo and i'll be wanting to give up having a family because I don't think I can take much more than another year of TTC without results. I've had just about enough of it at this point that I've often considered giving up and just living a life of just us. even if we do get lucky enough to ever have a child, i'm now even considering being a one child family after dreaming for long about having 2 kids, possibly 3. but this TTC shit has put a major damper on my positive outlook on most things. i'm usually pretty good about keeping a positive attitude, but with TTC I lost that a long time ago. its the one area in my life that I don't look at with happy thoughts, which is what it should be. I should be full of hopes and dreams and happiness at the prospect. but i'm definitely not that anymore.

I just want this shitty rollercoaster to be over. wake me up when this nightmare is over  :'(