i'm not sure how to label the day or the cycle. my mind is a mess. nothing really makes sense anymore...
it's quite obvious by the design changes on my blog that i am no longer expecting our first little one this coming fall :'( i've suffered a miscarriage and its something i hope we never have to re-live for as long as my heart keeps beating. it truely is the worst kind of pain a person can imagine and there is a large hole left in my heart by this.
it started with spotting on monday (january 30 - 6w5d) and it was more than i was comfortable so i called my doc and they got me in late that afternoon. she took a look and said that it is completely normal and its not too much bleeding, but that if i started to hemorrhage or didn't feel quite right to head to the ER to get checked out. she also scheduled and ultrasound for 3pm the next afternoon. that night as i was heading to bed i started cramping like my period was starting. it didn't feel right but i tried to get some sleep in my own bed before going anywhere. by 1am the cramping hadn't subsided and i began passing clots. i had a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. i knew what was happening but i didn't want to believe it so i tried my hardest to fall asleep in my own bed.
tuesday morning (january 31 - 6w6d) i called the clinic to explain what had happened and see what they wanted to me to do given the previous days events. DH picked me up at 10am and we headed to the ER. they got us into a room pretty quickly and tried to see if they could find anything on their new portable ultrasound machine. i wasn't surprised they couldn't find anything given that i wasn't that far along and you typically need an internal one until around the 12+ week mark because the uterus is still very low in the pelvis. the on call doc also tried the doppler, but the same thing, he couldn't find anything but i wasn't surprised since you usually can't pick anything up on them until around 12+ weeks as well. he told us to stay put and that he would be getting some blood tests ordered and they would try to get me into my scheduled ultrasound as early as they could. unfortunately i didn't get in any earlier so it was a very long day waiting around in the ER for something to happen. we finally got in and not my surprise, i was in the process of miscarrying. i still burst into tears when being told the actual words, but who wouldn't? you can never prepare yourself for that, to hear those words, its so... final. we finally headed home because we were tired of waiting around the ER for someone to talk to us, but they tracked me down and called me back in to the see the resident gynecologist. i didn't like him very much. he's very "matter of fact" and that's not what i wanted while going through this terrible situation. he made me feel like he was pushing me to get a D&C even though i rathered to try to pass it naturally. he wanted me to come back the next morning to get another ultrasound to see if anything was left in my uterus and if there was, that i would NEED to have the D&C. it just felt like i was getting pushed into this horrible decision and i didn't really have anyone explain my options or pros and cons of getting the D&C done over passing it naturally. i felt like i had no choice in the matter other than choosing to go home for the night. i felt helpless and DH felt even more helpless because he couldn't take away the pain i was feeling or fix what was happening to us. i felt so bad that he couldn't do what he normally does in these situations, fix them. i knew he felt horrible not being able to help his brokendown wife, and that made me feel even worse than i already did. i hate seeing him like that and he hates seeing me like that.
wednesday morning, the day i would have been exactly 7 weeks, i got DH to drop me off at the hospital to begin my second very long day there. i registered, my requisition form said "inevitable abortion", i shouldn't have even looked at the sheet. it was the worst thing to ever read in my life. another reminder of what i was losing. they got me in for the ultrasound right away and it was the same tech from the day before. she wasn't able to give me good news. nothing had changed from the day before. my body was failing me by not miscarrying on its own. i got her to show me everything on the screen. i don't think i'll ever forget seeing that, ever. our baby's gestational sac was collapsing on itself and there was nothing that could be done other than have some sugeon go in and take everything out. i was put in a room to wait for the gynecologist from the day before to see me to get me ready for surgery that i would be having later in the day. around 2:30 a nurse came in to get my IV started to start pushing fluids for surgery. she told me to get DH to come down for support since i had gone in alone that day so he didn't have to sit around helpless for a second day. we had talked all day already by text as well as talking to some close friends. i didn't exactly feel alone but they wanted someone around for me. around 4pm i was brought upstairs for surgery. that's when it really hit me. not that i hadn't before because i spend the better part of 2 days crying my eyes out, but this was it. our baby was being taken from me in a few short minutes and i would no longer be pregnant. i can't even begin to explain the grief i was feeling deciding to go through with the surgery. but i knew that my body was already preventing everything from happening naturally and that the last place i wanted to end up after a few days of nothing happening was back at the hospital getting the D&C anyway. it was hard laying in that bed, with the gown and hat and booties on, waiting to be called into the OR. i even had to walk in there myself and get myself on the table. when i came to after the surgery, i felt a sense of relief. that it was over. i could begin to move on. i didn't really cry at all for the rest of the night. DH came and picked me up to take me home and take care of me. i had this feeling of remorse, but mostly just glad we could begin the healing process. we haven't cuddled so much in bed since we started dating.
overall, i've been doing okay. as good as person going through this can feel i guess. i'm mostly okay, indifferent if anything right now, but i have my moments of anger that this had to even happen and i have my moments of great sadness that we lost our precious little baby. granted a lot of this aftermath is because my hormones are completely out of whack and will take a couple weeks to go back to normal, but i'm sure even my husband is having these feelings, he's just not showing it because he's trying to be strong so i don't completely lose my marbles. i saw my doc today to talk about my options for counselling since it was suggested to me by a nurse in the ER. she said she didn't think i needed it since i seemed to be doing everything i can be doing right, like seeing her and being emotional. who thought being emotional would be a good thing? she'd be more worried about me if i wasn't emotional about this. so she gave a phone number to call for some counselling because i'd much rather seek it out now and feel or be told i don't really need it than to not try it out and in a few months' time be much worse off mentally and need it at that time. i'm trying to be proactive in the healing process because it helps me feel like i'm doing the right thing in this situation. she also said that when we're ready we can try again, there's reason medically that i can't get pregnant right away. my body won't let me get pregnant if its not ready to be. that also made me feel better that i don't have to wait 3 months like the nurses at the hospital were saying.
so we will be okay, we will move on and get through this. its just a much harder process than i ever thought it would be and something i never thought in a million years we would have to deal with.
my posts in the coming weeks will probably be more about my feelings as i work through the pain i feel about all of this and some of the other events leading up to this terrible week......
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