Back to Normal?

well i think my body may be back to normal already... about a week or two sooner than i thought it would be  : D  i had some EWCM yesterday (which rarely happens to me in the first place... but maybe it's that increased fertility that i'm supposed to have post-MC...) so i took an OPK just to see if it was fluke or something. the line on the OPK was the most negative line i've ever seen, lol. i wasn't planning on using OPKs this cycle anyway because of the havoc hormones can cause after a MC, but i tried it out more as an experiment. experiment = failed. oh well. then this morning my temp shot up... not sure if both of those things (EWCM and high temp) could both be flukes so i want to say that i've ovulated yesterday... but i'll wait until tomoro's temp to call it confirmed  ; )

with that bit of good news though, i'm still struggling with this MC... i've accepted that it happened and there is/was nothing i did/could do to have changed/caused it. but yesterday i was feeling particularly spiteful and angry at the fact that i was back to square one like when i went off BCP, not having a damn clue when to expect AF for the first time. i had already been through that in september 2010, it's the last place i wanted to be back at 18 months later. we were supposed to be welcoming our baby in september and celebrating their first thanksgiving and christmas in 2012, that got taken away from us... there's a still a chance we could be celebrating christmas with a new little baby, but this is supposed to be our "first" baby's christmas and sadly they won't get to spend it with us.

on the other side of the spectrum, i so badly want to get pregnant again. this urge is even stronger now than it was before getting pregnant. i don't know how i'm going to deal with this TTC process again. i'm really hoping that it only lasts a couple cycles (only one more would be ideal) but i don't know that we're lucky enough to have that happen  :-/  it seemed like once DH finally did almost everything he could to make it work, it worked right away, so you would think that means i'm quite fertile as it is. but i can't help but think that it will take at least 6 months for it to happen again because the previous 6 months to getting pregnant, we BD'd at least once if not twice while i was fertile so it was 6 months of being let down by either BFNs or AF. maybe my body just finally decided to let one finally implant and that it had nothing to do with anything DH did differently the cycle i got pregnant on. i want to be optimistic that we'll be one of those couples that conceives very quickly after a loss, but i have that nagging feeling that we won't be one of those couples. i feel kind of jaded because of everything that led to this....

anyway, enough bumbling for this post, i'll leave you with a picture of the northern lights we saw last night on our way home from a valentine's day supper at japanese village:

(thank you new camera for being able to actually snap a pic of them!)