Feeling Better

(still not counting days or anything until i'm actually back in the game, maybe next month...)

well other than my counselling session this morning, i've been feeling pretty good. more like myself, more normal. i'm back to work this week and i don't feel weird about it. it feels nice to be back in a routine instead of spending my days sleeping in and being a couch bum and getting nothing done. i don't feel so useless like i did last week because there was nothing i could do to change anything that happened. this week i'm actually feeling somewhat accomplished at the end of the day. i'm still taking it easy and i'm easing myself back into my everyday life. i don't have this overwhelming sense of grief like i did last week. i was exhausted and down almost all the time. this week is very different. even my DH has noticed the change in me  : )

i'm not fully back to wanting to TTC again just yet, but i'm getting very close to feeling that urge. i'm slightly afraid of it, but i know i have to power through if i want us to get our take home baby. i can't just avoid TTC and expect a baby to result from that, that's not how it works. we're taking it one day at a time, but every day the want to be pregnant again so we can have our family is getting stronger. i've started temping again even though last week i was very much not wanting to do anything in the way of temping or using OPKs. i'm not using temping as a way to aide in getting pregnant (not that its helpful to point out O ahead of time) but it will help me know when my cycle is getting back to normal. this way, if say AF still hasn't shown at 5 or 6 weeks post-MC, i'm not testing and seeing 2 pink lines again and thinking i'm pregnant when in reality its just leftover HCG and my cycle is just taking a bit longer to get back to normal. also, it will help me know if the timing of our BDing (when we start that again) is even condusive to making a baby so i know when i can test if that's even a possibility. it will establish when i'm normal again. and next month i'll go back to using OPKs (possibly continue temping) so we can jump back in with both feet and hope i can benefit from the increased fertility women suposedly have for the first 3 months after a MC...

i will say that i love my doctor. i went in to see her last friday to find out about counselling and i asked her about when we could start trying again. her answer was probably the most sympathetic and not demeaning answer i've gotten this whole time! she told me that we could do what we wanted when we saw fit, to take it one day at a time and if that was to resume having sex, then so be it. she's had girls come in 6 weeks post-MC pregnant again. she also said that there was no medical reason to wait a certain number of cycles and that my body won't get pregnant again if it is not ready to be. after talking to DH's cousin, this sounds like the most sound piece of advice i've heard from anyone. it puts me in control of the situation, not a doctor telling me what to do. so i'm no longer afraid (not the exact word i'm looking for) to get judged if i do pregnant quickly and it makes me feel even more ready to start trying again because i don't have this fear that i'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time and looked down upon for doing things too soon. i'm ready for this and i want our baby in our arms <3


more on my counselling session this morning:
i'm not sure its the right fit for me. she seemed to be convinced that there was no possible way i'd be ready to start trying again this soon after. she started trying to convince me to hold off TTC again until after we get the pathology report and after my hormones settle down. she wants me to get the answers as to why this happened so i can deal with those emotions before completely moving on. why would i want to drag this out longer than it needs to be? i don't see what good it will do me to focus on the pregnancy i lost for the next month when what i should be focusing on (at least what i feel i should be, i don't know if my idea is wrong or not) is the future and looking ahead and getting better. not being stuck in this dark place, i don't like it there and i won't let someone put me back there because they feel like i'm not done dealing with my MC. she also wanted me to request getting my hormones tested to make sure there isn't a chemical imbalance or anything. seriously? so that's now two ppl i don't really like while dealing with this (the first being the gyno at the hospital). i should have waited until this week to make a decision about seeking counselling. if i waited til this week, i probably would have skipped it because i'm feeling so much better about everything without needing to talk to someone. i was hoping to sort through my feelings and make sense of them, not be told what to do. she booked me in for another session in 3 weeks when my hormones should be leveled out and i'm not looking forward to it with the same enthusiasm as i had today before i got there. i feel like i'll be chastized if i have sex with my husband before that appt, that's not how i should be feeling, at all. and now i'm exhausted from that session, more exhausted than i've been since like thursday when i was still very much a basketcase over this or over the weekend when i still sad but feeling more normal. the more i talk about it, the more i'm thinking i should just cancel my next appt altogether because clearly i'm not happy with it.