lots going on...

well, it happened, we had to take a break from TTC  :'(  i was so sure it happened and was sure i saw a hint of something on a test... but like clockwork, and a day early at that, AF showed up after wicked backache. i really hate that bitch. i can't fucking seem to get pregnant. everyone else can without much trouble or work, but i can't. it fucking sucks. so now that we're increadibly busy, i'm not even sure that we'll ever even have time to BD, let alone BD at any point while i'm freaking fertile so i could miraculously get pregnant when we aren't actively trying... that would be too easy after everything we've been through. i'm hoping my mind becomes distracted by something because making and wanting a baby are still pretty much #1 on my mind all the time, particularly when i have time to myself. this blows.

the first shovelful of many many many shovels, lol

so now, we are in full swing with the addition. its been a very busy weekend, with a lot of work, a lot of sore muscles but a big sense of accomplishment (my dh wouldn't say that, lol) that we actually got the hole dug for the foundation for the whole thing before concrete was due to show up! we thought we were going to have concrete this morning, but i guess their scheduling ended up pushing them to come tomoro. that's okay, i just hope the weather holds up with all that messy dirt everywhere.... that could really cause some greif and a lot of anger for the hubby  :-/

the windows are getting ordered tomoro, the joist and truss systems got ordered last week, concrete is this week, the hole is dug, we tentatively have a framer (though that still has to get worked out) and we have no power! lol. dh got our power turned off on friday because we were digging all weekend, but didn't get a chance to set up a temporary box and meter before the end of the work day so we've been without power since then... so i jumped ship and took the dog to sleep at my moms until our power is restored, hopefully tomoro *fingers crossed* i'd really like to be able to sleep in my own bed with my dh again... i miss him  <3  for now, our fridge is plugged into an extension cord that our neighbour has kindly let us plug into his house until we get power back, but that still means we have no heat so that's why i jumped ship, lol.


end of the weekend, its a lot of dirt, and not a lot of space to put it...

its all started to get underway. i'm excited, nervous and anxious all rolled into one!

I Have a Hate On For Mother's Day...

(cycle  20)

not so fond of mother's day now after what's happened this year. last year wasn't so bad because we'd only been trying for about 6-7 months so i wasn't at all sad that i wasn't pregnant yet. since we've been trying for so long now, i thought for sure we'd have a kid by now so i would get to celebrate mother's day or at the very least still be pregnant like i was supposed to be. that dream's been shattered and i'm not very confident that next mother's day will be any different...

women dealing with infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, or even have just been trying for a long time (like a year +) don't get the recognition that mother's of living babies get every year in may. it hurts. we're rarely thought of and are left to suffer in silence. only those that know about "infertility awareness month" in october even think of those dealing with it. otherwise, we're cast aside because it remains to be a bit of a taboo subject amoung society.

anyway, no one in my family was very supportive on mother's day. if anything, they didn't even acknowledge that i would even be struggling with it and made comments like "you're still a mom to your dog", but as anyone who has gone through a MC knows, that's a very hurtful comment. my aunt (who is alone, childless and 2 dogs that are her "kids") even had the gall to ask if i was on BC so that i can make the job switch now to get paid more on mat leave because i'll be making more money  o.O  i couldn't believe she even thought i would do that now after knowing we've been trying for so long and had already had to go through the heartbreak of a MC. i of course politely told her that we weren't going to stop trying because i already make more than the cap for mat leave benefits so it doesn't matter how much more i make, i will still only get the maximum they give out. i'm still miffed about the comment and its been a few days already....

i feel like this whole TTC process and experience for me has left me quite jaded and feeling like there's a big part of my life that i'm not living and that i'm missing out on. i feel like i'll always be this woman that can't be happy for anyone that doesn't have issues getting and maintaining a pregnancy. maybe i will be able to do so again when i get to experience the joys of pregnancy instead of the heartbreak, but for now, i remain bitter, angry and jealous.... its not how i want to feel, but i'm being honest.

yet again, cycle timing isn't working in our favour...

(cycle 20)

yep, story of my life the last 2 cycles. something always prevents us from maintaining an every other day BD schedule. unfortunately, the usual culprit is low sex drive. not much we can do about that except to try again later or the next day. and even more unfortunately, it happens when its the most important BDing days.

this cycle, oddly enough, i only managed to catch my LH surge on an OPK because the tests when i thought for sure they should have been positive and given me a smiley on the digital test, it didn't, so i tested that evening and sure as shit, it was finally positive. even more oddly enough, it only lasted something like 12-18 hours unlike the first cycle i used the digi OPKs and had positives for two full days... last cycle, i was lucky enough to even catch my LH surge since i didn't start testing til cd12 to avoid potentially wasting tests if i had a delayed O again,and then i O'd on cd14. so due to the positive OPK from tuesday, i am marking today as O day. not super hopeful that this worked, but hey, last time i skipped temping and just used OPKs, i got pregnant. fingers crossed i'm lucky enough to have it happen again.

aside from the cycle i got pregnant and the first cycle after the MC, i can't help but wonder if my weight loss (which is 22.8lbs so far!) has had something to do with the fact that more often than not, my cycles are shorter and i O earlier than when i first started charting. its something to consider, but then i've had at least 2 cycles that i O'd on the later side of my normal (not incl. the first one after the MC where its common to have an extended cycle while your hormones level out) since dropping a few pounds that it kind of blows that theory out of the water. but my cycles are mostly, consistently on the shorter side my normal, so there is at least some stock in my theory... whatever the reason, it is kind of nice to not have to wait so long for O so it speeds up the process at least a little bit, not that i enjoy dealing with AF a little more often...

and the Chaos begins...

(cycle 20)

first, and update on the TTC end:
yes, another cycle has passed me by... i was a hell of a lot more emotional than i expected i would be. i spent the better part of last week having crying fits feeling sorry for myself :'( i went to my weekly WW meeting, but couldnt stay for the actual meeting because i was on the verge of tears pretty much all that day. i was a mess. this week has been a bit better, but i still have many more moments than i expected i would have being sad about everything on the TTC/MC front. may 1st was the 3 month mark from the day i had my D&C... it was a rough day realizing that. i don't know if i will ever get passed this hurt.


now to what the title refers to:
DH got some demo done this week, he tore out parts of the fence we needed to get rid of to build the addition and put up a temporary fence to keep HayHay in the yard without tying her up to a rope. the only problem now is that she barks at just about every single thing thats in the 500+ft vacinity, including kids playing in the playground across the street now :-/ at least in about 2 months time there will be a wall up so she won't be able to see anything anymore, lol.

we're just waiting for our development permit to come in so that the building permit can be applied for. hopefully its in today so that the building permit can get done so we can actually dig the hole and get concrete poured when we plan on doing it. we booked the concrete for the end of the month, so fingers crossed we get it all back in time! i do not want to start the addition off with a delay...
ETA: our development permit was ready later this afternoon and the lady said that our building permit should be ready to go by end of next week!

i've also talked to the truss company and have looked into windows. just a couple changes for the windows and then those can be ordered. the trusses and joists will be ordered once we tear off the existing stucco and get accurate measurements. still waiting on the framing package pricing to come back to a contractor acquaintance (i think its been about 4 weeks and we're still waiting...) so hopefully that doesn't start another possible delay.

otherwise, i think things are moving along properly, but we won't really know until the time comes, which is freaking me out and shoving my anxiety right up there, lol.