I Have a Hate On For Mother's Day...

(cycle  20)

not so fond of mother's day now after what's happened this year. last year wasn't so bad because we'd only been trying for about 6-7 months so i wasn't at all sad that i wasn't pregnant yet. since we've been trying for so long now, i thought for sure we'd have a kid by now so i would get to celebrate mother's day or at the very least still be pregnant like i was supposed to be. that dream's been shattered and i'm not very confident that next mother's day will be any different...

women dealing with infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, or even have just been trying for a long time (like a year +) don't get the recognition that mother's of living babies get every year in may. it hurts. we're rarely thought of and are left to suffer in silence. only those that know about "infertility awareness month" in october even think of those dealing with it. otherwise, we're cast aside because it remains to be a bit of a taboo subject amoung society.

anyway, no one in my family was very supportive on mother's day. if anything, they didn't even acknowledge that i would even be struggling with it and made comments like "you're still a mom to your dog", but as anyone who has gone through a MC knows, that's a very hurtful comment. my aunt (who is alone, childless and 2 dogs that are her "kids") even had the gall to ask if i was on BC so that i can make the job switch now to get paid more on mat leave because i'll be making more money  o.O  i couldn't believe she even thought i would do that now after knowing we've been trying for so long and had already had to go through the heartbreak of a MC. i of course politely told her that we weren't going to stop trying because i already make more than the cap for mat leave benefits so it doesn't matter how much more i make, i will still only get the maximum they give out. i'm still miffed about the comment and its been a few days already....

i feel like this whole TTC process and experience for me has left me quite jaded and feeling like there's a big part of my life that i'm not living and that i'm missing out on. i feel like i'll always be this woman that can't be happy for anyone that doesn't have issues getting and maintaining a pregnancy. maybe i will be able to do so again when i get to experience the joys of pregnancy instead of the heartbreak, but for now, i remain bitter, angry and jealous.... its not how i want to feel, but i'm being honest.