the heart wants what the heart wants

(cycle 27, day 16, 1 dpo)

there's a tiny chance this month, but i'm just so over TTC right now, i debated not trying, but i want to be a mother so badly that i had to at least try a little bit...

i had a cold over the weekend, the same weekend we were supposed to be BDing. on friday i told DH we were supposed to be BDing and then he said he's been so stressed lately with the house that he'd kinda like to just put TTC on the back burner until our lives aren't as filled with working on the house. i can understand it, i kinda feel the same way, but by the same token, if we don't try, that might have been the cycle that took and we would've wasted it by not trying.

its been a pretty violent inner battle for me. my heart wants to feel the love and joy a LO would bring us but my head says we are far too stressed to add this to the insurmountable pile of things to do to continue doing this. we're both stressed beyond what we can handle and for somewhat different reasons. the 2+ years of TTC is screaming at me and is causing me stress because i just want it to happen already. i'm also acting as a project manager with the house so i'm doing a lot of the running around and dealing with trades (which also means having to do a lot of the dirty work with talking to them about insufficiencies), its not an easy job. DH is stressed because his truck acted up when he just doesn't have the time or patience to fix it. his job is also stressing him out because he'd rather be working up front where he's supposed to be instead of helping them keep up with the work in the back. with the house, he's acting as general contractor so he's doing a lot of manual labour on top of the manual labour he does at work. while the house is the common stressor for both of us, its for different reasons. i feel like i have a mountain of pressure on my shoulders because i get it from DH as well as trying to keep everything organized and stay on top of what needs to be done. its hard.

i'm hoping that going to mexico in 3 weeks will relax us so we can focus on working on the house and getting it done. and if this cycle doesn't work out, maybe we can squeeze in some relaxed BDing on vacation... one can hope!