(6w 0d)
I know in my last post, I made some comments that may have seemed like they were coming out of left field for someone who claims to have been wanting a child for like, ever and someone who's been TTC for nearly 3 years. I'd like to follow up that post : ) this might get long....
the shock is still there that this happened. i'm not sure if that will go away until it feels more real and like this is our THB instead of a fleeting thought and a hope that this will be it, but then tragedy strikes and we suffer another MC. in the last few days, I've actually grown more hopeful that we'll actually see a little heart beating away next week (next week?!?! holy hell, that came fast!). so far the only similarities between last pregnancy and this one are the implantation cramps, the insane bloating, and the inability to eat eggs without feeling like my stomach is trying to kill me. my boobs have grown this time and have other physical changes, they also hurt, like more than I've ever experienced with pre-AF tenderness. I had fairly constant cramping for about a week and a half, baby burrowing in nice and deep, whereas I think I only cramped for a day or two when something tried to implant and then when it detached and began the MC. I also haven't had any spotting yet which I had experienced some about a week before the MC, so I've surpassed that already (knock on wood!). this time next week, we'll have made it further than last time. I started the spotting that lead to the MC at 6w5d, so I've got 5 more days and then we're into uncharted territory. which is scary, but exciting all the same because its a good thing. so these things are encouraging to me and making me begin to believe that this might actually work out.
the reason for such shock? after about cycle 30 with nothing to really hint at the idea that we'd be able to conceive naturally, I had basically given up. I still wanted a baby, badly, but I had given up the idea that it would be something that would maybe happen in the near-ish future. perpetually ttc meant we were still living a life kid-free, vacationing twice a year, random nights out, a pick up and go somewhere kinda life. hoping to add a kid to the mix, but with it never happening, it just became the norm, our way of life, no kids. I got used to it after so long, especially in the last couple months since TTC wasn't really front and center because we were on a break and then NTNP/kinda TTC, so I just really got comfortable with the status quo. I guess it was also because I was faced with the real possibility that we'd have to do the fertility testing (something I really started to believe would be happening) and the idea that there might be something really wrong with one or both of us, or having to do multiple rounds of IVF and then going broke before having it work out. it was becoming a bit of a reality that there was that possibility that we might not get to have kids, so I felt like I needed to make peace with it before I was faced with that. so I guess that's where those thoughts of not wanting to give up my kid-free life came in. I still incredible guilt that I even felt that way : (
now that I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that this one might actually get a chance to become a living, breathing baby, I don't feel so worried about our life changing so much. we've also been able to do a lot of random dinners out lately (mostly cuz after working on the house all day, the last thing I want to do is make supper : P ) so I don't feel like we're not getting a chance to do that before a baby comes into play and missing out on those random nights out. I even told dh that I was glad we were going out so much (as much as the bank account probably isn't happy about it) while we have the time and ability to just go. we're enjoying the hell out of our kid-free life right now (well as much as we can when we still have a lot of work to do on the house) because we both know big changes are on the horizon. I'm grateful we're getting this chance to be just the 2 of us and we're taking the time to make sure we do it before a kid makes it a bit more difficult for a few years. our relationship has actually never been better than it is right now. all those feelings or worry and not wanting to give the kid-free life up, have completely melted away in the last week : ) we're now fully looking forward to life with kids!
This is good to hear. It sounds like before was more of a defense mechanism which I can certainly understand. Again though we can't help how we feel so it's good that you owned up to your feelings but don't beat yourself up over it k? I still get the "Oh shit I'm going to be a mom." and I get down right terrified, worrying will I be a good mom.
ReplyDeleteBecause of how long we tried and how many losses we had. We had time to sit and really mull over what a baby would mean to us. We had time (4 years lol) to face the fact that a childfree life would be a possibility. But having to face that fact made us both realize just what we'd give and give up for the chance to conceive. At 3 year mark I was conflicted in many of the same ways you displayed in your last post and that was hard to admit. Then life continued to happen (that was the year of our 4 angel losses) and it kind of got rid of the doubts I had and the apprehension I had of leaving the life we had become very accustomed to.
Congrats again and goodluck with everything.