(5w 1d)
feeling slightly guilty with the thoughts I had when I found out I was pregnant this time : / it was a mix of positive and negative. on one hand, I was beyond shocked and excited that it finally happened, but then on the other, I felt robbed. I can't even explain it, and I feel absolutely terrible that those thoughts even entered my brain considering how long we've been TTC and how badly we've wanted to be parents. not to mention all the women struggling...
I had selfish thoughts. i'm not sure if they were genuine, or just part of the shock. for a few moments, I didn't want to give up our kid free life. i'm slightly terrified of the way its going to change things. we won't be able to just leave on a quick ride on the motorcycle because we'll have to get someone to watch the baby. we'll forever have to be getting babysitters. I want to be able to continue my step class after baby to lose the extra weight, but I don't know how feasible it will be to pay for the classes, then also pay for a sitter while i'm at the class since DH has fire practice at the same time. if I did the morning class, i'd still have the problem of having to get someone to watch the baby. I wanted to stick with the class so that I always had a guaranteed night of working out instead of having to make sure I work it into my day at some point during the week.
see? selfish. and I hate myself for even having those thoughts. I don't want to completely give up the way we live now, but obviously a lot of things will be changing. there's not really a choice in the matter. i'm hoping my love for our child will completely negate these feelings, because i'm terrified that I may feel resentful for the changes that will be coming : /
I just want to say, to those reading this and still TTC, I totally get that you won't appreciate this incredibly honest post. I myself partly hate myself for feeling the need to share it, but I felt it was important to touch on in case anyone else felt the same.... don't hate me : (
Life changes do happen. Sometimes the problem is we get so caught up in the TTC lifestyle that we really don't fully sit with ourselves to truly understand what a change will happen once the bfp arrives.
ReplyDeleteIt does hit me a bit of a wrong way all things considered with your journey. The heartache you'd write about both on here and TTC Hope /TNH of your struggles. But I of all people know we can't help how we feel. And it's only healthy to have a place where we can openly speak about how we feel. This blog is your place to be open and honest regardless of what others will feel. For me I think of how I was before I was pregnant and I wasn't happy, I lived life feeling broken and overall like I was less of a women. Since conceiving I've had this fulfillment I never had when we had loss after loss year after year. Remembering what was makes me truly mindful of what currently is and what I wanted all along.
I'm sorry you're battling these feelings and truly feel part of it could be cold feet. Life only changes as much as you allow it to after a baby. You can still maintain a bit of individuality (to a point of course) while still focusing on baby. I'm currently reading a book that drives home relationship first baby 2nd. Meaning I'll always put DH first. My own personal needs will come secondary but it'll be DH, Baby , myself. In that order. I think finding the balance will be key. It's hard in the beginning to see how that can be possible. There will be a few months where the baby will require a bit of your attention. But at some point you will be able to maintain that personal balance of loving the life your living. Changes are hard and adjusting to them is harder. Right now life is in limbo land because we just don't know what to expect or how life will be.
Wish you all the best hun!! HUGS!
I can see how this post would rub someone the wrong way given what I've previously posted in various places. believe me, I wouldn't be happy reading something like this if I were the one reading it and not writing it. which is why I felt such guilt for even having those feelings.
ReplyDeletei'll be making a follow up post at some point very soon, so I don't really want to write it all out twice :)