New Year

(day 12)

I definitely didn't get my Christmas wish of a bfp and AF decided to make her appearance literally minutes before hitting the road to Ontario. I was more satisfied with the fact that she at least showed up before the road trip vs having to wear a pad or tampon in anticipation and have her not show up til reaching our destination. I wasn't even that bothered by not getting a bfp.

But driving around for nostalgia sake, I did get a little sad realizing that I should have a big 'ol round belly right now instead of being able to have drinks every night and whatever else and how everyone should be swooning over me in excitement of our new addition. None of that happened. Instead I had my memere assuming I must be pregnant when I suddenly felt sick one night and saying how we must be getting close to starting our family. Under my breath I said that we were working on it and have already lost 2, so it's not for lack of trying that we don't have kids yet. Of course she made the ignorant assumption that we must be trying too hard  *insert eyeroll*

So this is our last cycle before a 2-3 month break and so far I haven't had any decent cm to indicate impending O and I decided against opks because I'm not at home. So here I am, CD12, and no ewcm that I get about 5 days before O. Last cycle everything was late by 2 days and I'm already at 3... frustrating doesn't even explain it. If this drags on much longer, I'm gonna have to pull the plug on this cycle as well because I'm hitting territory where if I went overdue (assuming this cycle worked) I'd be giving birth within a week of boarding a plane for my best friends wedding...

Speaking of which, I don't have to worry about a bridesmaid dress not fitting a pre or post pregnant belly because one of her other bridesmaids plans on being about 3 months pregnant with her second child (who is only 7 months old right now) by the wedding so she's going to be going with a dress that will be more flowy for us and our potential bodies.

But that also brings up another emotional issue for me because she thinks she can plan that way when here I am still working at #1 : (  it kind of grates on my nerves even though it's not their fault. It's the ignorance that really bothers me, but I guess not everyone has to have a difficult time ttc... it's things like this that make ttc so hard for some of us. I just hope I can manage to get pregnant by her wedding so I don't get stung by someone else's pregnancy  :-/

So here's to another difficult and heartbreaking year getting behind us and hopefully a much happier and more successful 2014 on the baby front!

all i want for christmas...

(day 26, 10 dpo)

...is a BFP. is that so much to ask? it would be the best gift in the entire world!

i'm losing hope though. so far all I've gotten are BFNs and not a whole lot going on symptom wise. I was hoping I was getting some implantation cramping Saturday morning but it wasn't as significant as both pregnancies so I feel like i'm trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. there was pressure in my pelvis that has tapered off but is still there, but again, i'm probably reading far more into it than necessary and i'm setting myself up for major disappointment. testing every morning so that I can hopefully pick up on a BFP asap and get in to a doc asap. i'll probably stop testing after Wednesday morning because at that point, I very likely wouldn't get in on either Thursday or Friday if something popped up on a test by Thursday anyway. I really don't want to deal with AF while road tripping, but its looking like I don't have a choice.

we have one more cycle to TTC, but I don't know how that will go since it will be while we're away. I don't want to still be trying a year from now. I don't want to have to try in the first place. weren't the first two hard enough to achieve? am I destined to forever have to take 18 months to conceive any child? i'm really starting to feel the years go by at this point, over 3 years into this and i'm getting even closer to being forced into at least 3.5 years without any hope. its a huge possibility that we won't have a baby by the time 4 years hits since that would have be this or next cycle. its even possible we'll get to 4 years and still not even be pregnant, especially when after this break for my BFs wedding (avoiding conflicting edds) we'll only have 5 months to accomplish that. 5 months plus the 4 since the MC to when we take a break is only 9 months of TTC. that's about the time i'd likely get pregnant. both pregnancies took 8 and 11 actively TTC months to achieve. why would it be any fucking different from here to eternity? I feel cursed when it comes to having babies.

2WW

(day 23, 7 dpo)

please oh please let there be a baby burrowing in nice and snug in my uterus... please, just this once can I have it the easy way this time?

I know better than to have high hopes about any cycle being our lucky cycle. but seriously, can't a girl catch a break and not have to go another 18 months before getting pregnant again? I have some decent backache going on today which I of course attribute to something trying to latch onto me on the inside *eyeroll* and any little pain in the pelvis or stomach i'm of course blowing way out of proportion because i'm hoping i'm getting implantation cramps like I have both times before. I feel like a glutton for punishment, keep trying to be hopeful but on a subconscious level knowing it'll never be that easy for us.

i'm about halfway through the 2ww today and both other times I had already had the implantation cramping so its kind of my expectation that if we're going to get pregnant, i'd have had those obvious cramps by now and I haven't  : (  its always been the thing that has shattered my hopes each cycle (not getting them). I had one cycle where I had very similar cramping on 9dpo so I was incredibly hopeful that cycle only to be disappointed yet again by AFs arrival.

planning on testing early next week.... fingers crossed

my new toy

don't mind the mess on the counter....

its my 3rd baby after my dog and my nice camera  : P  I love this thing and I can't believe how long it took for me to hop on the bandwagon.

at one point I only had a hand mixer, which worked fine until I killed it making ginger sparkle cookies... the dough just gets too thick for most machines to handle. so I bought another with more power and its served me well in the years since killing the first one. when one of my aunts bought herself a kitchenaid mixer she gave me her old stand mixer. I loved that thing and couldn't believe I had been using just a hand mixer all those years! lol. though it was a bit of a pain scraping the bowl and the beaters because there were 2 it was like a hand mixer and a little difficult to scrape what was on them back into the bowl to be properly mixed. but it did make mixing a lot easier, just not any cleaner because of the low sided bowl for it so it made as much of a mess as a hand mixer with the dry ingredients... sure took the elbow grease out of the baking equation though.

when I decided to do a TON of baking this year (read: doubling and tripling recipes) I was hesitant to use the stand mixer because of how much of a mess would be created so I bought a bigger mixing bowl and just used the hand mixer, which I had to stand on a stool to make it easier on my arm. i'm just too damn short to hold that thing up for the thicker dough. it also took a while to get anything mixed because i'd have to scrape the beaters so often to ensure it was properly mixed together.

I posted a pic on FB of the new bigger mixing bowl next to my smaller one with a caption about how I was hoping my hand mixer holds up to the amount of baking I was planning and a friend said I could always ask for a stand mixer for xmas. I told her I already had one but with doubling and tripling recipes I doubted it could hold that much without having to make everything twice and then told me to check into airmiles to get one so I didn't have to pay for it. so I looked into it and what a joke. I didn't even have a third of the points you need to even pay part of it in cash! hahaha. so I started checking out how much it was on various websites and most had them on sale for 30% off + a $50 rebate. not wanting to wait til after completing all my baking to buy it for a little less on boxing day, I decided to buy it that night, lol. why wait the extra 2 weeks to save $50-100?  ; ) 

so I tried it out when I got home with it and it worked like a dream! I tried it out on a recipe I was doubling and it worked through it like nothing and cut my mixing time to just a couple minutes instead of 10-15 or more for a really thick dough. it also mixed up icing super fast. i'm gonna put it to the test this weekend when I make ginger sparkles since I had already made some of the thicker doughs before getting it. i also have 3 other things i want to make before i'm finished my baking, but now that I've decorated all the gingerbread and sugar cookies, it should be pretty quick, especially with my new toy : )

BFP dreams

(day 20, 4 dpo)

I had a dream last night about this cycle. only it was a dream version of myself and DH. though I suppose that's the case with any dream...

I was a couple days ahead of where I am in this cycle and for whatever reason I took a test and it was crazy dark. like something you'd expect to see when you're more than a week late. I showed it to DH and at first he was skeptical because of our past MCs and was worried about the line being light. I had to tell him he was reading it backwards and it was actually super positive. like the test line was so incredibly dark that it made the control line look like a faint BFP does. so because it was so dark, he got all excited thinking I was a lot further along, something 5 weeks or so. I had to break it to him that I was actually only 7dpo, so to get something this dark was a miracle. then we had to hide the test from my sister cuz she kept pestering me to see what was in my pocket (which was the BFP).


7dpo is just too early to get a test that dark. why would my psyche give me hope like that? i'd never imagine get anything so early in the 2ww, nevermind how dark it was. it kind of angers me that my subconscious can dream these insane scenarios that I know are just impossible. it also puts too much hope in my head that just maybe i'll actually get a BFP and not have to wait 18 months like the other pregnancies...

UTI

(day 19, 3 dpo)

had my very first UTI (urinary tract infection) over the weekend  : (  I had suspicions a couple times but it wasn't until my kidneys started hurting that it confirmed it for me and that I should head in to get checked out.

it started I think over a week ago, but it only lasted a day so I didn't think anything of it. I kept feeling like I had to pee, like constantly cuz the feeling never went away. and when I went to pee, not much came out. but since it was limited to that one day, I didn't do anything about it and nothing had happened afterwards.

until Thursday. I had that same feeling like I needed to pee all the time but again, not much coming out. it went away on Friday so I once again didn't think much of it and continued to figure it was just a random thing and just happened to be a week apart.

and then Saturday happened. the feeling of needing to pee all the time wasn't quite as bad, but then I started feeling a little nauseous. I did a bit of research on it to see what other symptoms there are for a UTI/bladder infection and that's about when my kidneys started getting sore. it wasn't too bad, but it just got worse and quick. within about 2 hours I went from the kidneys not hurting at all to making it difficult just to pull my leg up to sit cross legged or even get in the truck without pain. and even if I wasn't moving it hurt. I felt like I had to walk hunched over to the side just to make it bearable. I gave in and headed to the ER.

next to when I had my cyst on the tailbone, that was probably the quickest ER trip I've had. it probably helped that it seemed pretty darn slow in there, there was only one person waiting in the ER when I got there. the nurse in triage was so nice and helpful. she made sure I gave a urine sample right away instead of waiting to get called back and then more waiting for the doc to finally do a sample. didn't help that I had just went before going in not knowing when or if they'd ask for a sample. she got a jug of water though to help with that and before I even had the urge to pee, she said they had the orders and papers ready for it so it that it would go quickly through the lab. after 45 minutes and a litre of water I finally had to pee (and 3 more times within the next hour  : P ). the nurse had said that it was possible that I might not get called back til the results came back so I was ready to wait another hour in the waiting room. after I think 30 or 40 minutes the doc called me back, brought me in a room, felt around my kidneys a little bit and then wrote up a prescription and then sent me on my way. in and out in less than 90 minutes!

I still had to get my prescription, but since the pharmacy I normally go to closes at 6 on weekends (it was about 6:30 when I left the ER) I had to go somewhere else. so I dropped off the script and then went home to eat something and relaxed for a bit and headed back about 45 minutes later. the lady said about 30, but I didn't want to show up after 30 and it not be ready yet, so I waited a little longer. once I had that in my hands, I headed off to DH's fire dept xmas party since that's where I was supposed to be instead of the ER... after one dose, I didn't have any kidney pain the next day, but today its a little tender, though I still have 5.5 days of meds left. I just have to work on drinking more water and getting a probiotic to prevent a yeast infection from the meds  : P

timing

(day 16, O day)

i'm finally Oing! took long enough  >: ( 

all week I was waiting for a positive opk and I finally got one yesterday. i'm really hoping we get a Christmas surprise. the timing would all be prefect. not having to go to MIL's wedding to see DH's cousin's baby who's due the day before I was (i'm sure I've mentioned it a few times), having the baby well before my BFs wedding, easily going through a couple of the first weeks being distracted because we'll be so busy with xmas, getting out of the first trimester just before our due date (so my mind would hopefully be distracted by a healthy baby growing instead), halfway through the pregnancy around my bday, actually get to be pregnant for a mothers day finally, and actually be due just in time for DH's bday.

I was starting to get worried this cycle would be a waste just the way it was all working out. I was expecting to O 2 days ago and the BDing we did over the weekend would have counted and DH wouldn't be as worn out as he is (though he is putting in a lot of effort. I think its finally hit him how long we've been at this and how close we've come to it that he doesn't want it to take much longer). I was starting to get worried we wouldn't get any BDing in that would count. we were supposed to BD Tuesday but DH came home super late. we BDd the next day at lunch which usually fails miserably, but thankfully we pulled it off because i'm not sure how after work would have went after already trying it at lunch. better not to wait and chance it not happening at all. then I was worried it wouldn't happen last night because DH came home a little later than usual from fire practice, but we worked it out. so at least we have some baby stuff in there. I just hope it actually turns into a baby  :-/

and if it does turn into a baby, then I get to worry about seeing the specialist before we leave for Ontario. i'm basically forced to test early so that I can know about it as soon as possible so I can have a chance of getting an apt on short notice (like at most 3-4 days before we leave). and that's if I implant as early as the last two because if I can't get a BFP before AFs scheduled arrival, I doubt i'll get in to see him at 4 weeks like he wants, it will be closer to 7 weeks since Ontario will take up the first 2.5 weeks... at least that would mean I'd be getting an US pretty much right after we get back. so I guess there's some kind of silver lining... provided it doesn't all go to hell before that point... I hate the psychological mindgames a MC causes you. all these worries that doesn't do anyone any good.

house update

now that we've done just about all we can before xmas holidays, I thought i'd post a couple of pics:



finished outside complete with soffit lights lit up

future nursery all mudded and ready for sanding/painting

hallway/stairwell/nook mudded
had to build a platform over the stairs so it was easier to work up there when taking off all the popcorn on the ceiling and mudding it. a lot better than going up and down a ladder 5 million times to move it

hallway ready to be sanded/painted

scratch coat on the tub surround. ready for tile

insulation and vapour barrier finished in the garage

drywall going up in the garage

and that's about how we finished up before the new year. we're getting closer and closer to finishing this thing! DH might try to get a bit more drywall done in the garage in the next 2 weeks cuz he'd like to get more sheets off the floor and on the walls before he parks his truck in there over the holidays, but he'll have to get help cuz i'm done, I've got too much baking to do! lol.

i'm happy with where we got. in the new year, I can get back to mudding upstairs. hopefully I can finish our new bedroom by the end of January so that I can rip out the rest of the old carpet, the texture can go on the ceiling and get new carpet installed by end of February. I've just got a bit of touching up in the ensuite and the rest of exiting upstairs is done, so there's just the new bedroom and a final coat in the closet. DH just has to drywall the bulkheads and one wall in the garage and then he can work on tiling the shower and tub in January. he needs to have that done before we put in the underlay in the new bedroom as well as carpet because of the tile saw. don't want to get anything on the new carpet! we're hiring someone to do the mudding in the garage and we'll get them at the same time we get new texture on the ceiling upstairs so they're only coming in once. so we'll have the garage ready to go, I just have to get finished mudding, sanding and priming everything before then.

fingers crossed we're done soon!

the follow up

had my follow up with the gyno/specialist for the blood work we both did and US I had... everything is completely normal  >: (  was kinda hoping something was off to point us in a direction, but I guess normal is good. I asked about progesterone since that hasn't been tested at all at this point, but he said with how many pregnancies progress with lower than average progesterone numbers and some pregnancies don't with good numbers, its one of those things where if I feel more comfortable with taking it, then we can do that, but there isn't enough evidence in science to point in that direction since its more of a cautionary thing than a particular need. I just wanted to ask him about it since I know so many women who take it.

so we have a few options at this point:

A - we can go get karyotyping done (Canada's requirement is 3 MCs, but he said he could get us in) to see if we're just on the shit end of the chromosome jackpot. because going this route would require a decent amount of time off work (at least a half day, if not a full day), its a little difficult to get DH up to the city (an hour away), do the testing, then back to work. so we've decided for now, to hold off on it. if we (god forbid) have another MC or it takes us longer than the next year to conceive, we will go that route.

B - go on progesterone supplements for a preferred 3 months before a pregnancy to get the levels where they should be (he said it takes about 3 months for the supplements to take full effect). though I have my doubts about this given the way the last pregnancy played out. I don't want to mask another MC. if I wasn't taking progesterone last time, then I probably would have started bleeding sooner than 11w (a full 4 weeks after the baby had stopped growing) and not gotten as far as telling the whole family again about the pregnancy. 4 weeks is a long time to go thinking everything is fine when its not. its gave me an incredibly false sense of security getting that far and it has now taken those first 12 weeks away from any future pregnancy because i'll be full of worry until I see a second US showing a baby bigger than 7w. so while I know extra progesterone can help a pregnancy until the fetus takes over, I also know that it doesn't always make a difference, so i'm on the fence about taking it, though leaning more towards not taking it (which I had totally forgotten about feeling this way when I was talking to him. if I had remembered this, I wouldn't have bothered asking him...). the specialist is going to a seminar about progesterone in the new year, so he said if I feel I want to go that route, I can wait until that point to see if there is anything new regarding it and whether it is something that should be done or not.

C - wait it all out and cross our fingers 3rd times a charm. this would obviously be the best case scenario and the preferred route. i'm also hoping its a relatively short route and we get a BFP very soon.

in the meantime, he prescribed a higher dose of folic acid for me to take since it can't really hurt (guess I gotta get back on prenatals since i'd given up on them after the MC) and if a pregnancy happens, to call and book an apt with him asap and he wants to see me when i'm pretty well newly pregnant (so i'd have to get his receptionist to book a last minute apt since its about a month wait time to see him). right now, i'm CD12 and should O on cd14... hoping we get an early xmas gift and get a BFP.... but i'm not holding out hope given our history.