all i want for christmas...

(day 26, 10 dpo)

...is a BFP. is that so much to ask? it would be the best gift in the entire world!

i'm losing hope though. so far all I've gotten are BFNs and not a whole lot going on symptom wise. I was hoping I was getting some implantation cramping Saturday morning but it wasn't as significant as both pregnancies so I feel like i'm trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. there was pressure in my pelvis that has tapered off but is still there, but again, i'm probably reading far more into it than necessary and i'm setting myself up for major disappointment. testing every morning so that I can hopefully pick up on a BFP asap and get in to a doc asap. i'll probably stop testing after Wednesday morning because at that point, I very likely wouldn't get in on either Thursday or Friday if something popped up on a test by Thursday anyway. I really don't want to deal with AF while road tripping, but its looking like I don't have a choice.

we have one more cycle to TTC, but I don't know how that will go since it will be while we're away. I don't want to still be trying a year from now. I don't want to have to try in the first place. weren't the first two hard enough to achieve? am I destined to forever have to take 18 months to conceive any child? i'm really starting to feel the years go by at this point, over 3 years into this and i'm getting even closer to being forced into at least 3.5 years without any hope. its a huge possibility that we won't have a baby by the time 4 years hits since that would have be this or next cycle. its even possible we'll get to 4 years and still not even be pregnant, especially when after this break for my BFs wedding (avoiding conflicting edds) we'll only have 5 months to accomplish that. 5 months plus the 4 since the MC to when we take a break is only 9 months of TTC. that's about the time i'd likely get pregnant. both pregnancies took 8 and 11 actively TTC months to achieve. why would it be any fucking different from here to eternity? I feel cursed when it comes to having babies.