trucking along....

(5 weeks, 5 days)

time seems to be taking forever to pass since that positive pregnancy test...

since that first bout of morning sickness, i've only had a couple more, which is nice. though, i'm waiting on baited breath for it to start up full force in the coming weeks since i'm still very early in the pregnancy.

not much is new since the last post because i'm kind of in a stand still until i actually start going to appointments, only another 2.5 weeks! it was 4 weeks when i first booked it so i guess time is passing and it will get faster the closer i get to that appointment. i don't have a truckload of symptoms to reassure myself that i indeed have a healthy baby growing in my tummy so i just have to trust that everything is fine i there. i'm hungry all the time, my boobs feel like they're going to fall if i run up or down the stairs or do some jogging, and i've got that lovely bloated belly that probably won't stay hidden for much longer. i'm thinking after my first appointment when me and the hubby go out for a date night that i'll get him to come with me to get some maternity clothes... i don't want to start wearing them until we're ready for the news to get out so i don't draw more attention to the belly than necessary at this point and after my appointment is when we'll start letting family know seems like a good time to me instead of wearing the bella band permanently for another month on top of the month i'll have already been wearing it for by that point.

i want to shout it from the rooftops, but other than the continuing absence of AF and the few symptoms i have, i have no cold hard evidence this pregnancy is viable. you can't hear the fetal heartbeat on the doppler until 12-14 weeks (so not until at least my 2nd appointment) and my doc doesn't send her patients for ultrasounds until the middle of pregnancy unless she thinks its necessary. so i'm kind of at a stagnant point where i am until proven otherwise, but its a long time until i can find that out (another 6-12 weeks on top of the 2 weeks i've known i'm pregnant already). all this worrying may be for nothing, and i'll be voicing my concern to my doctor when i see her and hope she'll send me for one sooner so i can breathe easier knowing i actually do have healthy baby in there.

i've bought some custom t-shirts for our reveal that should be in this week so we can snap a pic of us in them and send them to our family out east so its not just a phone to say, "hey, we're pregnant!", they'll actually have a physical picture. it will be the same picture i'll be using on FB to make our official announcemnt once i'm out of the 1st trimester (or if forced to do so sooner if some ppl can't keep a secret...). we're excited. i've also started looking at furniture for the nursery. a little shocking thinking how expensive this furniture that will only last the first few years of their life is compared to an adult bed that could last the rest of their life. we've also started looking at carseats, something hubby was a little shocked how much they cost, but it definately got him excited about this baby that's going to be in just 7.5 months :)

i'll leave it at that for now and i will definately be starting to post tummy pics soon (probably starting this week even though i started taking them 2 weeks ago) and i'll post the pic of us in our shirts when i get them!

the dreaded morning sickness...

(4 weeks, 1 day)

so yesterday i got my first dose of morning sickness. it was horrible and nothing like i imagined it would be. it also happened a lot earlier than i thought it would at 4 weeks even :-/ i hope it doens't continue for too many days in a row or for too many weeks. i was really hoping to get off lucky...

so today i have to go for another urine test to confirm the pregnancy. i went on tuesday but they had a "weak" positive so my doc wanted to send me back after two days to let the HcG (pregnancy hormone) build up. just waiting for the results now.... but on the plus side, my cheapie internet strips are still definately positive and todays was finally getting darker with FMU  : )

so today, my goal is to constantly eat so i don't get sickly hungry and make my stomach turn. it hit me yesterday shortly after lunch, so we'll see what the next hour brings....


UPDATE: my pregnancy was confirmed by the lab and i booked my first prenatal appt for feb 10! i'll be just over 8 weeks at that point. EEEEE!!!!! i'm getting so excited!

this new journey is so nerve wracking!

(4 weeks, 0 days)

i've done one urine test to confirm the pregnancy for my doc, but it came back as a 'weak' positive (probably because it was at least the 3rd pee of the day). so now i have to pick up another requisition form from the clinic to go back to the lab to do the test again tomoro (i did the first one yesterday). in the meantime, i'm still getting positive results on the internet cheapies, so that's good. i'm also officially late (which seemed like it was going to take forever to happen, lol). so this time, i'm going to make an appt with the lab and go a lot earlier in the day so hopefully the hormones are much more concentrated and it comes back a strong positive and i can then book my first pre-natal appt!

otherwise, still nothing really new. not much in the way of symptoms other than feeling ready for bed an hour and a half earlier, i'm starving every 3 hours and i'm now waking up in the middle of the night. last night was the first time i had to get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, the other nights i just randomly woke up... so i guess that's how it starts, lol. i will probably never enjoy a full night's sleep ever again for the next 10 years  :P

otherwise, i'm feeling good. wishing i could get out walking more, but i've been so busy studying so i can finish my latest course before the deadline that i haven't been able to get out except on weekends. at least once this course is done, i can take it a bit more easily on the studying front and keep up with my walk/jogging so that i stay fit and healthy. i'm just glad my doc has given me to the go ahead to continue jogging as long as i can keep up a conversation (which was actually a lot easier than i thought it would be!).

here's to a very happy and healthy 9 months!!!

IT FINALLY HAPPENED!!!

(3 weeks, 4 days)

I finally got my BFP! still a little hard to believe but the tests are undeniable.

i first tested with FMU and saw a faint line that definately showed up within 3 minutes and just got a bit darker the longer it set. i posted pics of that test in my FB groups and everyone else could see it too. even my DH saw it when i woke him up to show him, lol. after i got confirmation that others could see it, i ran upstairs to show my sleeping husband. i poked him in the arm and then shoved the test in his face and asked if he saw a second line too. he did!

so my next task was to hold my pee for about 4 hours to let the hormones build up again and test again with different tests. i went to our local walmart and picked up a digital pregnancy test since that was the one kind i didn't have already at home. when i got home i had to pee so bad because of the coffee DH bought me so i went upstairs and proceeded to do all my tests. first was the internet cheapies that i have been using to cut the cost and it still had a second line and this time darker. so next up was the first response test that i still had from the double pack i bought last month. that one started out a bit faint (darker than the cheapie) and only got darker so there was absolutely not squinting or screen tilting to see it. since i had those confirmed, last was the first response digital test. waiting those 3 minutes for the answer to pop up felt like an eternity, lol. although it is very reassuring seeing those words come up, "yes +".

so i'm cautiously optimistic since its still early and i haven't even missed an AF yet... but i'm pretty sure our little baby is securely stuck in there since i had massive cramping on 6/7 dpo that definately like AF cramps but obviously way too early. the only other indication i've had is that i'm perpetually hungry the last couple days. otherwise, absolutely no symptoms, nothing! not my regular sore boobs (which i was surprised about), no frequent bathroom trips.... nothing. so i'm hoping i get lucky, but i honestly don't care what i'm handed this pregnancy since i'm finally pregnant and will take what i can get because it means i have that baby growing inside of me!

EDD: September 19/2012 <3

(cycle 16, day 28, 9dpo)

its been a while since i last updated...

since my last update:
-we celebrated christmas

-had a good talk about BDing and TTC

-went to a IIHF world juniors game
-rang in the new year
-i hit my 20lb mark in weight watchers

christmas was good. low key which i like. on xmas eve we had my mom, sister and her bf, and my aunt over for some lasagna (i had decided a couple months ago i was not making a turkey, lol). it was a good supper and we opened a couple gifts and then tried to play the new "cranium: brain break" game which we're still trying to figure out how to keep score when some activities are 'everyone plays'.... xmas morning we woke up a bit later than planned to get to my moms a bit earlier, but its christmas, its okay. got some great gifts from my husband and he absolutely loves the bar fridge i got him. got to my moms and opened the rest of those gifts. once again my mom went a little overboard on buying presents and got us some things that we really don't care for. but i've to accept that that's just going to happen whether we like it or not.

boxing day was a very early and long day. i actually went boxing day shopping. i was not prepared, lol. i went with my sister and her bf first thing in the morning so that i'd be sure to get the camera i'd been eyeing up for a few months (canon rebel t2i). 6:00am is very early. but not too early for boxing day shopping apparently. when we got to best buy at 5:45 (they opened at 6) there was quite a lineup already. luckily they had tickets for ppl for their doorcrashers so as long as i got to where my camera was in the first 3 hours, i was guaranteed one. when they opened the doors, i was a little surprised how civil everyone was. no pushing, no stampeeding... something that i guess happens in the states on black friday. i got to the line for the camera (they had about 7 lines within the store for these doorcrashers) and was in it for about 45 minutes. it actually wasn't that bad. and thankfully they were taking payment at the end of the line so you didn't have to go stand in another line for that. once we were done at best buy, we zipped over to future shop for the tv DH wanted for the bedroom. it wasn't even that busy. it was more like a very busy xmas season shopping day in there. of course parking was a little harder come by, but it really wasn't that bad. in and out within 15 minutes. we were in the city for a total of 90 minutes and made it home and back in bed before the sun even came up!

so i got some extra hours of sleep in before getting up for the day and then getting ready for our big family dinner with my extended family. i also tested out and read up on the new camera. totally love it. although i'm pretty sure i'm going to be taking a course so i can understand and use all the different settings it has. hubby made his now famous mashed potatoes and we headed over to my uncles. supper was great. i didn't overindulge and stayed within my diet (quite an accomplishment considering how bad my sweet tooth has been previously).

tuesday (dec 27) my boss had given me 2 tickets to see a world juniors game. it was nice of him, but i'm pretty sure i only got them cuz he needed to get rid of them (not that i'm complaining). we watched czech vs denmark. it was an okay game. a little boring since it wasn't canada, but hey, they were free, lol.


i look like i'm back to my wedding weight!



friday i caught a lovely cold. boo! it was only an extremely stuffed nose, but i was so exhausted by saturday with trying to breathe i felt a lot sicker than i actually was because of it. i even missed out on a new years eve party because i had no energy to go anywhere or do anything. that cold stuck around until monday and by tuesday i was finally doing better and only had a bit of a stuffed nose by then. my nose and lips sure took a beating with the cold. both were so chapped from the constant use of kleenex and having to breathe through my nose.

this wednesday i went to my Weight Watcher's meeting and finally hit my 20lb mark! yes, i've lost a total of 20.4lbs. its unbelievable when i think about my scale ever being at 160lbs. now i'm back into pretty much all the pants i was wearing before gaining all that weight and i now have to buy a new belt, lol. it feels amazing knowing i'm capable of losing that much weight and i'm about half way to where i ultimately want to be, but i'm now less than 10lbs from where i would be happy with my weight.

yesterday DH attended a memorial for a fallen volunteer fire fighter in BC. it really hit home with him because he was close in age and recently married. apparently there was quite the turn out and i get sad just looking at the pics of it on FB (mostly because i can't bear to watch look at funeral type stuff anymore because of personal reasons). here's some links to a few of the news stories:
http://www.vancouversun.com/news/thewest/Fallen+Enderby+firefighter+leaves+bride+behind/5928919/story.html
http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/story/2012/01/04/bc-firefighter-killed-funeral.html


on the TTC front. i don't really want to talk about the convo DH and i had about TTC and BDing because its not going to get me anywhere right now and i'm all talked about it. i will say that O day was on dec 28 based on positive OPKs on cd 17 and 18 (cd18's OPK being increadibly dark so i'm basing O off that one). today is 9dpo and so far i feel nothing. absolutely nothing. normally i'd have something by now, usually sore boobs that always start around 8dpo, but not this month. i'm really hoping a lack of symptoms is a good thing for me but i guess we'll see in the morning since that's when i plan to first test and it should be late enough in my LP to get an accurate result. either way, no matter which result i get, i'll still test probably each day after until AF shows up and if she doesn't, i'll probably test every few days to make sure its still positive. we BD'd O-3 and O-1 and a few times before that so dh's sperm should have been fresh and raring to go for those 2 attempts (better odds than other months)........ *fingers crossed!!!*

could be better, but doing okay

(cycle 16, day 10)

yes, that wretched bitch showed up, again.

i was so hopeful because my chart looked very different from my other cycles and i had a test that i thought was positive (even though it showed up later, the brand doesn't often give evap lines). but alas, my hopes were for not.

i finally got a chance to tell dh about what my doc recommended for the next 6 months before doing any testing. he seemed to respond well to it, but i don't know what he's thinking in his head. i'm hoping he'll start picking up the slack soon, but i'm not so sure. he said he was going to cutback on alcohol and caffeine, but i have yet to see him do this... he's also still pretty clueless about everything and i had to give him yet another biology lesson after he told me the chances of getting pregnant each month is 11% and the best day to BD is the day before ovulation  : S correction hubby, its actually 20% for healthy couples and the best time to BD is during the 4-5 day prior to O and the day of. so i clearly pointed out to him when we needed to start BDing so there was no mistaking the date and that we will have to continue every other day until a couple days after i get a positive OPK. i've given up temping this cycle even though i've thought about going back to it since i didn't find it stressful until it came close to when AF was due. we'll see how stressed i am without it, lol.

So i'm hoping for the best this month, but the due date would kind of suck with all the other family birthdays around that time, at this point however, i really don't care anymore and i just to get pregnant. if it doesn't happen this month, i'll be making sure he cuts back on his beer and java and hoping that makes a difference. I hope to god that we get pregnant before we start building the addition because at that point, i might as well write it off from happening for a few months because he'll be far too busy to give that kind of attention and he probably won't want to go through the testing at that point either...

last weeks doctor appt

(cycle 15, day 23, 9dpo)

i didn't exactly get the response i was hoping for from doc, but it also wasn't surprising.

she remarked that since we were passed the year mark of TTC that we could go for testing, but she would like us to try for another 6 months given that we haven't been regularly BDing and she thinks that will do the trick. if we want to go ahead with the testing, we can, but she'd rather not since the way she put it "they tell what to do and when to do it" and basically takes the fun out of BDing. so if we go ahead with testing, that means blood tests for both of us (not something i ever look forward given i hate needles and tense up like mad when i do have to have them) and a sperm analysis for DH in the city (which means him having to take time off work). not sure we want to go this route, but i haven't had a chance to talk to him about everything my doc said since he's been pretty busy doing other shit and hasn't even asked about it (yes, i'm slightly bitter at the moment at the lack of attention i get from him lately).

so other than discussing our options, she also recommended that i stop tracking everything and just de-stress about everything TTC. which coming from a doctor is a little weird and totally pissed me off cuz that's just not what you say to someone who's been trying for so long (even though their DH hasn't been). you can't just stop tracking and turn your brain off after you know so much already. how do you train yourself not to count cycle days? and if anything, half the reason i do any tracking is so that i'm not surprised by the arrival of AF but above all else, i ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE getting surprised by her and not being prepared and have a mess to deal with. knowing exactly when i O gives me peace of mind and means i'm more than prepared and have taken precautionary measures to avoid said mess. then i cried in her office which to her translated into being stressed and an even bigger reason to stop tracking and just be care free for the next 6 months and pretty much prescribed regular BDing every week for those next 6 months. i honestly don't see that happening and i'm totally prepared to tell DH that if he has an issue with that, then he better figure out how to fix it even if that means seeing a doctor. afterall, they're doctor's orders  : P

i also got a chance to ask her about continuing jogging when i finally do end up pregnant and she said it was fine as long as i keep my core temp down and can still maintain a conversation while doing so. i was happy about that because i've heard that some docs don't want you to continue such a strenuous excercise, but since i'm not introducing anything new, it's totally fine.

so i guess that's about all that can be said about the appointment and i hope i can get pregnant very soon because i sure don't want to have to put more stress on DH by having to go ahead with testing...

update on life :)

(cycle 15, day 15, 1dpo)


same clothes from our holiday in NB, 3 months later



weight loss

i've lost almost 15lbs in the 3 months i've been doing weight watchers! i'm so proud of myself. i've tried doing it on my own before, but never with this kind of success. it really helps feeling accountable for what i put in my mouth and then having other people know how i'm doing. i feel like i've let someone down if i don't lose anything and thankfully i haven't gained more than 0.2 in one week (and that was only once!). i've also been documenting my weight loss with pictures every couple weeks so that i can see the visual difference it is making. its crazy comparing the difference from this summer to now. my clothes are much looser if not falling off of me now. it feels great!

around the house

we thankfully haven't been doing any projects around the house and won't be until the big addition in the spring. it's nice to not be in a constant state of construction, i just wish we could finish tidying up around the house so i didn't feel like are always living in chaos. but we did put up christmas lights on the house! i was so excited to get that done. its been 13 years since i've lived in a house with christmas lights outside. my mom had things hanging in the windows, but its just not the same, lol. i also bought a new christmas tree this year because they were half price (black friday pricing) and we were thinking of replacing our flimsy one anyway. would you believe that almost every single tree sold is now prelit? blasphemy! half the fun of putting up the tree is dressing it, lights and all! i'm not ready to give up putting on the lights myself, lol. so of course i bought the only model that wasn't prelit and was taller than 4 feet  : ) i can't wait to put up the tree this year, and i'll probably put it up way earlier than i normally do, like this coming weekend instead of only a week before.

TTC

i'm still in a bit of a funk about last cycle and its making it hard to imagine myself ever seeing a positive test or having any confidence that we were successful this cycle. its just getting harder to deal with it taking so long. for the first time this cycle i had true EWCM starting on cd10 but i assumed it was a fluke and waited until cd12 to start BDing like we planned. it may have been the wrong thing to do since i O'd one day earlier than the last cycle yet again. i'm really hoping that if i go through another cycle, that trend doesn't continue... but i'll be testing on december 7th at 10dpo (unless i just can't help myself and end up testing early, but i'd really like to be able to have more self control than that). only 9 more days of torturous waiting..........

random

there's one more thing i want to update, but i didn't want to make a specific topic for (even though i guess this pretty much qualifies as a seperate topic : / ). and i guess a picture pretty much sums it up:

i got my hair did!
don't mind the phone pic, i'll eventually have a ton more pics that are better ;)

Missing My Dad :'(

(cycle 15, day 4)

seeing a picture of my dad with my step-mom and her first grandchild yesterday made me a little sad that we don't live closer together and don't talk as often. it also made me a little sad that i haven't been able to give my dad his first grandchild. I've been looking forward for too long for the phone call i get to make when we do get to tell them we're pregnant. I can't want to be able to tell my dad that he'll be a "pepere" on x day. i can't wait for them to come visit us after the baby is born when he will finally get to meet his grandchild. for now it remains a dream because of the hand we've been dealt in the TTC department, but i still can't wait for that day to happen.



My dad and I on our Wedding day



Feeling Lost...

(cycle 14, day 28, 13dpo)  (cycle 15, day 1)

warning that this post contains a lot of raw emotions and some details that i probably shoudln't even be sharing via the internet, but i need somewhere where i can just spew everything i'm feeling at this current point in time.....

pretty sure we've failed yet another cycle. i have far too many feelings on the topic and this could turn into a novel very quickly.

my temps have been dropping the last 2 days so AF is expected today or by first thing tomoro morning. i was getting excited because i was beginning to think that this was actually going to happen and i would be pregnant since i had a very low temp in the time period that could potentially be implantation and then my temps went back up. i had 3 negative pregnancy tests but i still had hope that it was just too early to show up and that it would be a couple days later, then the dropped temps. i didn't bother testing at that point since that's always how it goes, it just happened a day later than normal (hence being more positve than other cycles by 11dpo).

so now i get to have the uncomfortable conversation with my doc about what to do to try to speed up the process. i just don't want to be told that we have to BD more because that's our biggest problem right now due to DH's low sex drive (tmi i'm sure, but i really need to get this off my chest since i don't have friends that i can openly talk to about this who understand what it's like to still be trying after more than a year). i'm hoping there's something she can give me without dh having to go to the doctor to talk about it because if that's what has to happen i might as well start accepting life without kids because a doctor is the last person he would go to even if it would help us along.

on top of not being pregnant yet, i've been reminding dh to make an appt to get his hernia looked at more closely so that he can get it taken care of and take some much needed time off without taking stress leave. but now i have to worry about him getting surgery before my fertile week next cycle and then sabotaging that cycle altogether and possibly the next cycle after that and not being able to even try until the new year.

i hate that i have to even think about any of this. i hate that i'm not pregnant yet. i hate that its taking this long. i hate that i feel like my husband doesn't even care. i hate that he won't talk to me if he is getting worried that it is taking so long. i hate this whole process and it makes me want to only have one child (if we get that far) because i don't want to go through this again to have a second child.