heartbroken

Not wanting to write this out for a second time, but I unfortunately don't have good news  :'(

Everything was going well. Went for the routine first OB appt Friday morning,  tried to hear the HB on the doppler but knowing I was on the cusp of hearing it we weren't too concerned when nothing was heard. Still felt pregnant at that point.

Then things started to go wrong.

I hadn't had any spotting at all this pregnancy.  Friday afternoon our sod for the front yard got delivered. I went to the bathroom and noticed some spotting with some fleshy looking bits. Not overly concerned yet, I went about laying sod since it wasn't that heavy, lighter than a lot of other things I lift on a daily basis. Went to the bathroom again to check on the spotting and it was still there and still fleshy looking. I put in a call to my doc to find out what I should do, to the ER it was

 I went in at 3:30 and finally got seen around 5pm. He ran some blood tests and a urine test to rule out infection.  Was hoping he would do the US they have in the ER, but was informed by a nurse after I asked that they don't like to do them in early pregnancy because its not as detailed and a radiologist doesn't look at the results. Got my blood taken around 5:30 and then had to sit and wait for the results to come in. Nothing out of the ordinary, was sent home with an order to call into US Tuesday morning to get in as soon as I could. The spotting continued til Saturday night...

Sunday morning all hell broke loose.

The cramping started the night before but wasn't significant so I didn't let it get to me. I woke up that morning to severe cramping.  They came and went like clockwork so I can only assume it was the equivalent to labor.  By 6am, I got up to go the bathroom and there was blood. A lot. I was terrified. I felt a couple clots slip out. I just started crying. DH woke up and came to check on me. I was a mess. He got me fixed up and back in bed while he checked the clots. The cramping continued for the next 6 hours  : (  every 5 mins. It was excruciating. We opted against going back to the hospital knowing they would run blood tests and just tell me to come back Tuesday. I didn't want to be sitting there all day, so we rode the weekend out. Had DH check a few more clots over those hours, I seriously love that man. A man who will check his wife's clots is a keeper.

The bleeding steadied so our hopes were that it was  subchorionic hemorrhage,  which isn't great either, but if it meant there was still a baby in there with a heart beating away, I'd deal with the inevitable bed rest that would accompany it. I just wanted the baby to be okay. The bleeding continued through the weekend but we were holding out hope.

We made it to Tuesday morning, finally. But that's where the optimism ended (not that I had much anyway since when its your body that starts bleeding,  you pretty well assume its over, even if there's some encouraging stories from friends that went through similar ordeals). I passed a particularly large clot after DH left for work. I couldn't bring myself to fully check it out further than holding it in my hand hoping it wasn't the baby sitting there in my palm. I got DH to check it when he came to pick me up for the US, he just said there were 2 small clots, but I think he was protecting,me from something worse because I know there was something bigger in there.

Made it to the US, they got me in right away. No good news. The tech just told me to go to the ER without any further info as to whether there was even a HB, so I asked her before heading over there. No heartbeat. Fuck. I just started bawling and DH did his best to comfort me.

Got into a room and the doc came in about 20 minutes later (seemed longer though) followed by the surgeon not long after. At least the surgeon had some answers. He told us the baby had actually stopped growing very shortly after our first US. Heartbreaking news since we were starting to get confident that this would be iur THB.

Got into a private room around 1:30. My mom was with me this time since DH couldn't be away from work for very long cuz they were short staffed. Went back for the D&C around 3:30 and was back in a room around 5:15. I was given some water and something to eat. The nurse took out my IV and I got into my clothes. DH came to pick me up just before 6 and he took me home. I was so glad be home. Went right to bed because I was so tired from the emotional roller coaster over the weekend.

So now I'm here. The day after my second D&C. What a horrible place to be. 0 for 2. At least this time we were able to make an actual baby, but that's little solace when we thought we were 10.5 weeks and everything was going well. Back to cleaning out the closet since I had just put away all my clothes that were too tight and acquired a few maternity items. Time to switch back I guess. Hopefully next time we get it right and I don't have to be back here a third time. Third time's a charm, right? At least so they say...