ramblings

1) I was entirely selfish as I saw BFP after BFP roll in after mine. I didn't want anyone else to get one because it felt like it upped my chances that i'd be the one to MC again. the last time I was pregnant, there were 8 BFPs I was aware of and 2 MCd, I was one of them. this time, I think there were about 6 or so BFPs so I felt like I was always kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't think of it often, but it was in the back of my mind when all those BFPs rolled in.

2) I hate my body. its not the same. I didn't give birth to a live baby so I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with the same effects, especially with less than 3 months under my belt and not the full 9. its just one more reminder that I did have a baby growing and then I didn't and it got taken away far too early. like a knife to the gut and a big fat F U to my ego. other things than the extra fat around my midsection are also different. I now get gas pains like I just gave birth. I get a sharp cramp that needs to be relieved right away, like an air bubble that's trapped and trying to get out (I guess that's literally what it is anyway...). I can't think of what else is different, but its only been a week, i'm sure i'll notice more.

3) i'll never feel comfortable in the first trimester ever again. maybe after I manage to have a live baby, but for now, it's shattered my confidence that my body can keep a baby safe. I was hoping the first MC was a one off fluke, but I guess it wasn't. I want to know that my body is even capable of this. i'm absolutely terrified to get pregnant again. even if I have a good US, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I believed that baby was still growing and thriving for the 3.5 weeks after our first US but they weren't. I find myself wondering if they had a slower HB and was in the process of dying while we were watching them on the screen considering they only measured 6w6d at the US I had at 11w. i'm going to constantly wonder if everything is fine in there next time.

4) I don't know how much extra monitoring i'll get next time. will I get more than I did this time? I don't know how i'll survive the time between USs because i'll be in a constant state of fear that that will be the last time we'll see them alive. will it just be one to confirm a HB around 7w again and then wait another 5 weeks til I get another one at say 12w to make sure everything is okay til a Doppler picks up a HB? will it be once a week? every other week? I just don't know. I also don't know if this has put me in the high risk category for next time. will I have to go to the city for everything now and see a specialist? see the gyno at the hospital instead of my family doc for any pregnancy? I've been left with a lot more questions because 2 MCs don't just happen without a live baby in the mix or some investigating as to why this happened, twice. I want the extra monitoring, but I know it won't help ease my mind because i'll always have this experience to taint any good feelings.

5) at what point will I feel comfortable? we were ONE week away from announcing on FB. ONE WEEK. I have a gut feeling the bleeding didn't start until it did because of the drop in progesterone from having my last dose of prometrium 5 days prior. what if my doc had prescribed it to last until 12 weeks instead of 10? would everything have gone the same way, but we would have announced it publicly only to have to break the news publicly when everything went downhill? I was so confident after that flicker of a HB and the prometrium I was taking. I shouldn't have been so damn confident. but how could I not be? we had already gotten 2-3 weeks further at the US since the last time all that developed was a sac and we got to see a baby and a HB. how were we to know that not even days later that baby would stop growing? at my prenatal apt the Friday everything started going wrong, my doc tried the Doppler. we weren't surprised when she couldn't pick something, but she had a feeling she was almost picking something up. we were so hopeful everything was going fine. i'll never have that feeling again. instead it will be met with skepticism and fear. maybe when we consistently hear a HB at every apt? maybe when I start to feel movement? maybe when I finally give birth? will we even get that lucky to get to that point?

6) I just want answers. I don't want to keep going through this. I don't want time to pass me by. I want a fix to this, and I want that fix quickly and I want to get pregnant again NOW. I don't want to have to wait another year and a half to get pregnant again. I can't do it. I want my time with my babies back. I know DH doesn't want to do testing right now, but I can't wait a year for that to happen. he probably won't have to do any testing since we've now achieved pregnancy twice, the problem is most likely with me. if its a med I have to take in the 2ww to help things along, fine, but I don't want to go through another 18 cycles paying for a med hoping it works just to be crushed by AF month after month. its a waste of money if it takes that long again. what's the point in taking something to help sustain a pregnancy if I won't get pregnant for years from now? this all feels like a crapshoot.

I JUST WANT MY BABY BACK.