when?

(cycle 37, day 26, 12 dpo)

when will it be our turn?

another BFN today and I've lost hope. I didn't expect it to be easy, but I was hopeful that just maybe it wouldn't be so hard this time. I guess those hopes were misplaced  : (

3 years and still nothing to show for it but 2 MCs. this is rough. it will be at least 3.5 years til we can even TTC again because we're forced to take a break. none of this would have to happen if either of those babies had just hung on. we wouldn't be where we are. this last one was even better because we'd be done the house by the time it was born and we would be bringing a baby back east for those weddings. instead, I get to see DH's cousins baby who is due at the same time I was. what a knife to the heart. not only do I lose my precious baby, but I get to watch someone who's not even with the father (or at least things seemed very rocky and it happened very quickly after they got together) and a pregnancy that was a surprise, be a mother and get nothing. just an empty heart. god help me if we don't get pregnant before then... I've only got 9 months... and after our induced break because of those weddings, I've got like 3 cycles to get it done (all depending on when my best friend's wedding is). yeah right, like that would work. fuck.

i'm so tired of the heartache. i'm so tired watching everyone around me get what I want most' i'm so tired of family not understanding what this is like, how much heartbreak this is causing me, anger and complete frustration. i'm so tired of ppl asking if we have kids.

i'm just tired. maybe this break will be good for me. maybe not. I guess we'll see.