the universe can go to hell

feeling pretty lost lately. I went to a wedding over the weekend and I saw no less than a combined minimum of 10 pregnant or new mothers  : (  it felt like an inadvertent slap in the face from the universe. that was supposed to be me! I was supposed to be 5 months along with a lovely bump to prove it. instead i'm still left with empty arms, a broken heart and a break from TTC. WTF? wtf universe?!?!

I got to sit through a dinner listening to a friend talk all about her pregnant and how she's not quite at the excited "omg, i'm pregnant" which to me just burns a hole through my soul because i'd be ecstatic to be in her shoes like I should be.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. some days I feel fine and none of this bothers me as much as it does other days. some days i'm just seething with anger towards my situation and long for the days I was pregnant or when I was naïve enough to think we wouldn't have issues and first started TTC.

DH hasn't really been helping the situation either. when we see babies, all he can say is how excited he is for when its us, but all I can think is "if we're lucky enough to even get that far". I feel like my fertile years are slipping me by and DH hasn't got a clue how long this is really taking. it will be minimum 4 years since we started TTC to have a baby since its been over 3 already and we have to take a break for the next while. that puts any due date well beyond the 4 year mark and might as well call it a potential 2015 due date because I highly doubt that the few months that we can TTC that would result in a 2014 baby would even work. god knows if having a baby in 2015 will even work. how much longer can I possibly do this? will I be going into my 30's without ever making it out of the first trimester? with how long this is taking, its becoming a real possibility that it could happen (turning 30 and still no baby). how many years of TTC would that be? we started TTC when I was 24! again, WTF universe!!!

I could be getting all out of sorts for nothing and with the testing i'm about to get, find out why I've MCd twice and when we can start TTC again, it will happen quickly. its never worked out that way, but maybe our luck will change. it would be a nice change of pace.