wishy washy

that's what I feel like. like I can't make up my own damn mind about TTC. one minute i'm saying we're on a break, the next its TTC, the next its a break, NTNP, TTC... I feel like anyone who's been following my blog, or members of TTC groups view me as wishy washy. though i'm sure they can all understand why we keep bouncing back and forth, I just feel like I don't even know what we're doing half the time.

I don't like jumping back and forth between TTC and not TTC, its not fun. its also made it harder to tell if we're having more issues than just an inability to stay pregnant, like if there's something going on affecting our ability to get pregnant, or if we're just one of those couples who have to try for up to a year. since both pregnancies happened after periods we weren't TTC and breaks and NTNP, its hard to paint an accurate picture of how long it actually took to get pregnant. like do we count every single month even if there wasn't any BDing going on? do we only count the months we actually put in effort? the months where there was a shot because we were NTNP and the months we actively tried? its hard to know what to say if a doctor asks. if I only counted months where there was some BDing during my fertile window, both pregnancies happened in less than a year of trying even if they both took nearly a year and a half of actual time (the first was 8 months of TTC over 16 months of time. the second was 11 months of TTC over 18 months of time). those breaks have eaten up a lot of time.

can we just fast forward to the future when I've been able to make it into the second trimester (so I can enjoy the being pregnant part) and then give birth to a THB? cuz this before shit is getting old, as am i.