regrouped

thankfully my short temper was limited to the anniversary week of our first loss since its now dissipated for the last week. though I'm thinking it might come back the closer I get to our 2nd due date, especially as those who got pregnant around the same time start giving birth, like one did yesterday. I could feel those feelings starting to creep back in  :-/  I have a couple more to get past plus the due date itself, so I'm hoping my anger and sadness doesn't last long...

I'm also going to, for the first time, decline going to a baby shower in april. it helps that its on my birthday so I have a decent excuse to get out of it. I don't want to subject myself to any more baby showers until there's a healthy baby growing inside me. my heart can't take it and I know dh doesn't want the crying wife I become when I get home from them. or least that was the case the last time I went to one... both showers I only knew 1 person other than the mother to be so last time I was basically sitting there totally alone the entire 2-3 hours. it was terrible. especially with everyone else either talking to other friends or about babies/kids or tending to said babies/kids, neither of which I have to make conversation with anyone. it didn't help that I was still emotionally healing from our first loss so it was like a kick to the gut to sit there through it when it was around the same time I would've been having my own baby shower. since that shower, I've seen a lot of blog posts that have been shared on FB about how ppl shouldn't expect their infertile friends to go to baby showers because of the toll it takes on us emotionally and that we ourselves shouldn't feel bad for declining those invitations. something I plan on heeding this time to save myself the heartbreak.

we've decided to just skip over ttc this cycle (the one who's due date would be in the same week as the BFs wedding) and get back at it next cycle and what will be will be. I'm still fully convinced it will take 8+ cycles to conceive again and my thought is that we'll get there faster by not taking breaks. so if that's the case, I think we're 4 down and another 4 ttc cycles to go... which if it takes 8 cycles puts us at may which is the same time we conceived our last one  :-/  not sure how I feel about that. but it could happen sooner and it could also take longer. I'm hoping the former. I'm just glad we talked about it, or well I talked about it since DH wasn't wanting to take the break in the first place  : P