last chance before help

(cycle 46, day 1)

AF showed up if you couldn't tell by my cd1 status....  : ( 

I started getting really hopeful and could swear I saw a hint of something on tests, but I think I've got line eyes and I'm willing myself to see things cuz when I take a real good look, there's nothing on them other than the control line. my temps were keeping me hopeful since they were staying up until this morning. so now that I can't depend on my temp to drop a couple days before AF shows up, I think I'm just going to temp til I can for sure confirm O and then put the thermometer away til around cd10 to temp for O again. no point in getting myself excited when temps mean nothing anymore.

so with that, I also set up an apt with my doc to start talking about what our next steps are and what tests we need to do so we can get on with getting our THB. we've been as consistent as possible with TTC and we only avoided 2 cycles this year. its now starting to take a toll on our sex life where we really only have sex when there's a chance it could turn into a baby. we've been doing so well over the last almost 4 years not letting it get in the way of having sex outside of my fertile window, but its now started to creep in. not like we get busy every other day or so when I'm not fertile, we were still only once a week or so kind of couple, but that's been gone for 2 months now and I'm noticing the difference in us. I'm hoping getting help will take the pressure off of us and we can go back to normal. I won't let the doc tell us to try something different for a couple months because that won't work. we've waited long enough and if we have to implement a different BDing schedule, it will just end badly by putting pressure on us to perform when they want us to instead of what we can muster ourselves. no point in going through that, though I don't think they would do that us given how long we've been TTC...

so we have one cycle to get it done before I see the doc and probably one cycle before we get answers or some kind of outside help. of course if this cycle works, I can turn my apt into an apt to get an US requisition since it would be the right timing for that, but I also would have to somehow hide it for a week with family at the cabin... would be pretty fucking hard to avoid drinks for an entire week without someone noticing and saying something. though I've also thought about getting news out right away next time so we don't have that to jinx ourselves with like the last 2... all of that is hypothetical since the chances of it actually happening are slim (I feel like a broken record cuz I'm sure I've said those words in almost every single blog post over the last 6 months...).

we'll see what the next month brings... hopefully something good before we go through the rigours of infertility testing....