numb? defeated?

I feel like I'm just going through the motions of TTC lately and while I still get pissed off seeing others get what we want, I just feel numb to it all at this point. or at least numb to our situation, I'm definitely not numb when others express their happiness over things that happen for them seemingly easily...

while I wish we could just give up, I know that I'd have to go on the rest of my life being jealous and resentful of those who get to have kids and that's not how I want to live for the next 50+ years. I want to know that we did what we could, but I'm also tired of doing all of that. I know we haven't even scratched the surface as far as things we can do to help this since we haven't actually been tested for infertility purposes, but 4 years later, I think we've paid our dues. I'd love to know that we will for sure get pregnant, even if I don't know when but at least at some point in the next 6 months and it actually turn into a real, live baby. at least it would give me peace of mind that we'd get what we want so badly, but we don't.

I really hope the doctor visit in july helps answer some of these questions or we somehow get fast tracked to get things figured out and it doesn't turn into a long drawn out process and we get to 5 years without any answers...