its been 6 months and i still think of you every day....

how i would be decorating your nursery, watching my tummy move every night, getting excited about our future, how we would discipline you, who's turn it is to change your diaper, packing the hospital bag, setting up the crib, putting the stroller together, strapping in the carseat waiting for your arrival...

i'm still so lost without you...

it's starting to look like a house!

the addition is slowly coming along... dh and some helpers got the shingles on the main roof on this past weekend so we can now get the door to the addition knocked out! that will be very exciting as i haven't been in the upstairs portion yet due to my fear of heights, lol. we're also clearing out the room the door is going into tonight. that means progress  :-)

of course, shingling the roof did not coming free of drama... the first day was perfect, warm and sunny, but pretty well perfect. until it rained that evening and the roof started leaking cuz there were parts of the roof left unprotected for the next day. twas not fun dealing with an overly stressed dh who when the weather goes sour, so does he  :-/  and of course it rained the entire next day so the poor guys worked through the rain to get it done. it looks good though as it doesn't have a visible line where the addition and existing house meet (i'll have to get a picture later on). the only shingles left to do are a 7'x18' section on the lower roof because the existing roof was just done 2 years ago  :-)

now we begin the process of getting the floor of the garage ready for concrete so we can get the doors and windows installed in the addition, as well as get drywall upstairs before the windows go in so we don't have to haul the sheets up the stairs through the house... then we can also work on getting the new windows in the existing house and try to get a hold of someone to do the siding for us (and probably saving ourselves a couple weeks worth of work and frustration). by that point, we should be able to finally get working on the inside and the most existing part of the addition!!!

our house looks huge!

that's what our house looks like right now... well a lot more wet since its been raining and stupid windy for the last day and a bit... but its progress nonetheless so that alone is very exciting  :-D

we still have that stupid dirt mountain in our front yard but its not going anywhere until we find someone to take it off our hands. i guess that's okay, just at some point before we actually start using the new bathroom, we have to have it out of the way so we can tie in the plumbing...

given how the weather has been today, i wouldn't be surprised if our framer decided to work on something else, lol. we should have the trusses and last bit of sheathing on tomoro as well as possibly our windows, but he might wait a few more days before doing that. dh is also likely to shingle the lower front roof this coming weekend and then we're trying to get a group of guys together to shingle the main upper roof next weekend... hopefully we can find some help cuz i'm of no use due to my slight fear of heights.

we've also got to start clearing out the spare bedrooms so we can begin demo on them, especially since there will be a door to the addition in one of them very soon. once we get about a week from putting up the siding, we'll go ahead and replace the exisiting windows and doors, but that's probably not til august. also on the agenda very soon, getting that slab in the garage once the roof is on!

busy busy busy around our house.

... like it would be anything but busy :-P

TTC Update... Sorta

i'm going to start off by saying that i started this post almost a week ago so it should all be past tense, as in last cycle, not this cycle as in current...

so its no lie that i have been really struggling with our decision to NTNP. i'm not sure if its because its the first month of doing it so it was a bit of a shock to the system and everyone that goes this route deals with these kinds of emotions, or if its just me  :-/

i knew when i was fertile this cycle but there wasn't anything i could do about it. DH wasn't having any of it so there was absolutely no chance for a baby this month... it drove me crazy not having any control over this and the amount of emotions i was dealing with. it just got worse near the end of and i basically had an emotional break down. its all too much to deal with but i don't know how best to deal with it either. i really am struggling, like bad.

we've talked a tiny bit, and so far have only decided that we will begin TTC fully again starting around our second wedding anniversary in 2 months. i've also decided that i will find a fitness or bootcamp type class to help distract myself during the week when i have far too much time to wallow in my self pity and thinking to myself. so far, since making these decisions, i have been doing a little better because i know what the game plan is and its not all up in the air anymore. TTC is no longer "at some point in future".

Backfilling!

apparently i haven't been doing a good job at keeping this updated  :-/

anyway...

just starting to get it backfilled...

we've now done a good portion of the backfilling. still need to fill in some spots and grade the outside so that its back up to the level it was before digging the hole. we also have to better level out the inside for when we do get to pour the slab. we've decided to go ahead with framing before fine tuning the slab prep and whatnot so that its protected from the elements when we do the plumbing/conduit trenching and when they pour the slab. FRAMING STARTS MONDAY!!! when the framing gets started, then things really start to take shape  :-)

we're hoping we can find a way to get rid of the dirt mountain in our front yard so we can have somewhere for materials to get delivered and not be in the "driveway"... plus it would just be nice to get rid of that pile of dirt anyway.

setbacks, ugh

so what we thought was a pretty damn nice hole, was apparently not so nice for removing forms from concrete walls... so they showed up on tuesday, marked how much bigger we needed to make it and said they'd be back at some point later in the week... twas not a fun couple days... especially not the first where DH was all worked up and hating life and such. fortis also didn't show up to hook up our temporary box so we could restore power to the house. once he calmed down and just got to work, he wasn't too bad.

so we spend that evening working on it, but of course, there's only so many hours in a day to get things done. the digging machine was also having issues (a collapsed fuel line which dh fixed the next morning) so it was slowing us down since we had to build a "bridge" (read: fill in hole with dirt that was already removed) and it was not cooperating and kept stalling out. we did our best and worked like little worker bees until probably 10pm and even through the 30+min rain shower, but we still weren't done. not even close. we made the decision to take the next day off work so we could just get it finished and ready for concrete. the next day, it was just me and dh working, which, since its our house, is perfectly fine. we were actually working really well with eachother. i was surprised since the last time we did a home reno project together, we argued all the time. so that morning, our windows finally got ordered and we did a ton of work. we had finished by the end of the day and we even had our power hooked up! it was great  : )  however, we did pay for it, well probably me more than him, with how sore our muscles were after almost a week of digging... i did just about all the handwork (with some help here and there) and he did all the work from a seat in a machine...

the pump-er-thingy for concrete

saturday morning, concrete finally showed up. finally we were getting somewhere isntead of just having a temporary bike pit set up, lol. dh wasn't home that day, so i had the joy of jumping out of bed as soon as they pulled up in case they came knocking on the door (they didn't) so that i wasn't answering in my pj's without a bra, lol.

funny story:
while they were setting up the forms, i could hear them talking and one guy asked inquisitively, "i wonder how they made the hole bigger? we definately don't have a problem removing forms now, haha." and the other guy guessed exactly what we had done. oh how i wish we didn't have to do all that work to get that accomplished, but it had to be done...

so they poured the footings and i took some obligatory pictures and then they were gone. no one asked us for money, didn't tell us what to do if it rained like crazy, nothing. well that's not entirely true, i asked about the money, but they said their boss wasn't in town anymore and that we should contact him to find out... they came back on tuesday to set up the forms and pour the walls. it rained a bit like crazy for about an hour and i think they decided to take a break while the weather was being stupid. they came back later in the afternoon and the best sight of all greeted me when i came home:

CONCRETE!!!

they came back the next day and removed the forms. dh was a little upset at the anchoring system they chose, talked to a few ppl to see if it was an asinine thing or common (apparently my word doens't count for much even though i'm in the damn profession) and he's okay with it, not happy, but okay. he's made a point that if we ever build a new house, that we will definately not be using this method... yeah, in like never! i'm not moving!!!

so now we have all of our concrete walls done and our foundation inspection is tomoro. then we have to wait another 2 weeks (the time dh wants to wait before we backfill, we were only going to wait a week...) before we can move all the dirt back and then get working on some other things, like trenching for conduit, the slab, framing, drywell, all sorts of fun stuff, lol. so we're well on our way now and there's filling the hole and abondoning the whole thing as there will be evidence seen if we do that such as a concrete wall sticking out the ground  :-P

lots going on...

well, it happened, we had to take a break from TTC  :'(  i was so sure it happened and was sure i saw a hint of something on a test... but like clockwork, and a day early at that, AF showed up after wicked backache. i really hate that bitch. i can't fucking seem to get pregnant. everyone else can without much trouble or work, but i can't. it fucking sucks. so now that we're increadibly busy, i'm not even sure that we'll ever even have time to BD, let alone BD at any point while i'm freaking fertile so i could miraculously get pregnant when we aren't actively trying... that would be too easy after everything we've been through. i'm hoping my mind becomes distracted by something because making and wanting a baby are still pretty much #1 on my mind all the time, particularly when i have time to myself. this blows.

the first shovelful of many many many shovels, lol

so now, we are in full swing with the addition. its been a very busy weekend, with a lot of work, a lot of sore muscles but a big sense of accomplishment (my dh wouldn't say that, lol) that we actually got the hole dug for the foundation for the whole thing before concrete was due to show up! we thought we were going to have concrete this morning, but i guess their scheduling ended up pushing them to come tomoro. that's okay, i just hope the weather holds up with all that messy dirt everywhere.... that could really cause some greif and a lot of anger for the hubby  :-/

the windows are getting ordered tomoro, the joist and truss systems got ordered last week, concrete is this week, the hole is dug, we tentatively have a framer (though that still has to get worked out) and we have no power! lol. dh got our power turned off on friday because we were digging all weekend, but didn't get a chance to set up a temporary box and meter before the end of the work day so we've been without power since then... so i jumped ship and took the dog to sleep at my moms until our power is restored, hopefully tomoro *fingers crossed* i'd really like to be able to sleep in my own bed with my dh again... i miss him  <3  for now, our fridge is plugged into an extension cord that our neighbour has kindly let us plug into his house until we get power back, but that still means we have no heat so that's why i jumped ship, lol.


end of the weekend, its a lot of dirt, and not a lot of space to put it...

its all started to get underway. i'm excited, nervous and anxious all rolled into one!

I Have a Hate On For Mother's Day...

(cycle  20)

not so fond of mother's day now after what's happened this year. last year wasn't so bad because we'd only been trying for about 6-7 months so i wasn't at all sad that i wasn't pregnant yet. since we've been trying for so long now, i thought for sure we'd have a kid by now so i would get to celebrate mother's day or at the very least still be pregnant like i was supposed to be. that dream's been shattered and i'm not very confident that next mother's day will be any different...

women dealing with infertility, miscarriage, stillborn, or even have just been trying for a long time (like a year +) don't get the recognition that mother's of living babies get every year in may. it hurts. we're rarely thought of and are left to suffer in silence. only those that know about "infertility awareness month" in october even think of those dealing with it. otherwise, we're cast aside because it remains to be a bit of a taboo subject amoung society.

anyway, no one in my family was very supportive on mother's day. if anything, they didn't even acknowledge that i would even be struggling with it and made comments like "you're still a mom to your dog", but as anyone who has gone through a MC knows, that's a very hurtful comment. my aunt (who is alone, childless and 2 dogs that are her "kids") even had the gall to ask if i was on BC so that i can make the job switch now to get paid more on mat leave because i'll be making more money  o.O  i couldn't believe she even thought i would do that now after knowing we've been trying for so long and had already had to go through the heartbreak of a MC. i of course politely told her that we weren't going to stop trying because i already make more than the cap for mat leave benefits so it doesn't matter how much more i make, i will still only get the maximum they give out. i'm still miffed about the comment and its been a few days already....

i feel like this whole TTC process and experience for me has left me quite jaded and feeling like there's a big part of my life that i'm not living and that i'm missing out on. i feel like i'll always be this woman that can't be happy for anyone that doesn't have issues getting and maintaining a pregnancy. maybe i will be able to do so again when i get to experience the joys of pregnancy instead of the heartbreak, but for now, i remain bitter, angry and jealous.... its not how i want to feel, but i'm being honest.

yet again, cycle timing isn't working in our favour...

(cycle 20)

yep, story of my life the last 2 cycles. something always prevents us from maintaining an every other day BD schedule. unfortunately, the usual culprit is low sex drive. not much we can do about that except to try again later or the next day. and even more unfortunately, it happens when its the most important BDing days.

this cycle, oddly enough, i only managed to catch my LH surge on an OPK because the tests when i thought for sure they should have been positive and given me a smiley on the digital test, it didn't, so i tested that evening and sure as shit, it was finally positive. even more oddly enough, it only lasted something like 12-18 hours unlike the first cycle i used the digi OPKs and had positives for two full days... last cycle, i was lucky enough to even catch my LH surge since i didn't start testing til cd12 to avoid potentially wasting tests if i had a delayed O again,and then i O'd on cd14. so due to the positive OPK from tuesday, i am marking today as O day. not super hopeful that this worked, but hey, last time i skipped temping and just used OPKs, i got pregnant. fingers crossed i'm lucky enough to have it happen again.

aside from the cycle i got pregnant and the first cycle after the MC, i can't help but wonder if my weight loss (which is 22.8lbs so far!) has had something to do with the fact that more often than not, my cycles are shorter and i O earlier than when i first started charting. its something to consider, but then i've had at least 2 cycles that i O'd on the later side of my normal (not incl. the first one after the MC where its common to have an extended cycle while your hormones level out) since dropping a few pounds that it kind of blows that theory out of the water. but my cycles are mostly, consistently on the shorter side my normal, so there is at least some stock in my theory... whatever the reason, it is kind of nice to not have to wait so long for O so it speeds up the process at least a little bit, not that i enjoy dealing with AF a little more often...

and the Chaos begins...

(cycle 20)

first, and update on the TTC end:
yes, another cycle has passed me by... i was a hell of a lot more emotional than i expected i would be. i spent the better part of last week having crying fits feeling sorry for myself :'( i went to my weekly WW meeting, but couldnt stay for the actual meeting because i was on the verge of tears pretty much all that day. i was a mess. this week has been a bit better, but i still have many more moments than i expected i would have being sad about everything on the TTC/MC front. may 1st was the 3 month mark from the day i had my D&C... it was a rough day realizing that. i don't know if i will ever get passed this hurt.


now to what the title refers to:
DH got some demo done this week, he tore out parts of the fence we needed to get rid of to build the addition and put up a temporary fence to keep HayHay in the yard without tying her up to a rope. the only problem now is that she barks at just about every single thing thats in the 500+ft vacinity, including kids playing in the playground across the street now :-/ at least in about 2 months time there will be a wall up so she won't be able to see anything anymore, lol.

we're just waiting for our development permit to come in so that the building permit can be applied for. hopefully its in today so that the building permit can get done so we can actually dig the hole and get concrete poured when we plan on doing it. we booked the concrete for the end of the month, so fingers crossed we get it all back in time! i do not want to start the addition off with a delay...
ETA: our development permit was ready later this afternoon and the lady said that our building permit should be ready to go by end of next week!

i've also talked to the truss company and have looked into windows. just a couple changes for the windows and then those can be ordered. the trusses and joists will be ordered once we tear off the existing stucco and get accurate measurements. still waiting on the framing package pricing to come back to a contractor acquaintance (i think its been about 4 weeks and we're still waiting...) so hopefully that doesn't start another possible delay.

otherwise, i think things are moving along properly, but we won't really know until the time comes, which is freaking me out and shoving my anxiety right up there, lol.