update on life :)

(cycle 15, day 15, 1dpo)


same clothes from our holiday in NB, 3 months later



weight loss

i've lost almost 15lbs in the 3 months i've been doing weight watchers! i'm so proud of myself. i've tried doing it on my own before, but never with this kind of success. it really helps feeling accountable for what i put in my mouth and then having other people know how i'm doing. i feel like i've let someone down if i don't lose anything and thankfully i haven't gained more than 0.2 in one week (and that was only once!). i've also been documenting my weight loss with pictures every couple weeks so that i can see the visual difference it is making. its crazy comparing the difference from this summer to now. my clothes are much looser if not falling off of me now. it feels great!

around the house

we thankfully haven't been doing any projects around the house and won't be until the big addition in the spring. it's nice to not be in a constant state of construction, i just wish we could finish tidying up around the house so i didn't feel like are always living in chaos. but we did put up christmas lights on the house! i was so excited to get that done. its been 13 years since i've lived in a house with christmas lights outside. my mom had things hanging in the windows, but its just not the same, lol. i also bought a new christmas tree this year because they were half price (black friday pricing) and we were thinking of replacing our flimsy one anyway. would you believe that almost every single tree sold is now prelit? blasphemy! half the fun of putting up the tree is dressing it, lights and all! i'm not ready to give up putting on the lights myself, lol. so of course i bought the only model that wasn't prelit and was taller than 4 feet  : ) i can't wait to put up the tree this year, and i'll probably put it up way earlier than i normally do, like this coming weekend instead of only a week before.

TTC

i'm still in a bit of a funk about last cycle and its making it hard to imagine myself ever seeing a positive test or having any confidence that we were successful this cycle. its just getting harder to deal with it taking so long. for the first time this cycle i had true EWCM starting on cd10 but i assumed it was a fluke and waited until cd12 to start BDing like we planned. it may have been the wrong thing to do since i O'd one day earlier than the last cycle yet again. i'm really hoping that if i go through another cycle, that trend doesn't continue... but i'll be testing on december 7th at 10dpo (unless i just can't help myself and end up testing early, but i'd really like to be able to have more self control than that). only 9 more days of torturous waiting..........

random

there's one more thing i want to update, but i didn't want to make a specific topic for (even though i guess this pretty much qualifies as a seperate topic : / ). and i guess a picture pretty much sums it up:

i got my hair did!
don't mind the phone pic, i'll eventually have a ton more pics that are better ;)

Missing My Dad :'(

(cycle 15, day 4)

seeing a picture of my dad with my step-mom and her first grandchild yesterday made me a little sad that we don't live closer together and don't talk as often. it also made me a little sad that i haven't been able to give my dad his first grandchild. I've been looking forward for too long for the phone call i get to make when we do get to tell them we're pregnant. I can't want to be able to tell my dad that he'll be a "pepere" on x day. i can't wait for them to come visit us after the baby is born when he will finally get to meet his grandchild. for now it remains a dream because of the hand we've been dealt in the TTC department, but i still can't wait for that day to happen.



My dad and I on our Wedding day



Feeling Lost...

(cycle 14, day 28, 13dpo)  (cycle 15, day 1)

warning that this post contains a lot of raw emotions and some details that i probably shoudln't even be sharing via the internet, but i need somewhere where i can just spew everything i'm feeling at this current point in time.....

pretty sure we've failed yet another cycle. i have far too many feelings on the topic and this could turn into a novel very quickly.

my temps have been dropping the last 2 days so AF is expected today or by first thing tomoro morning. i was getting excited because i was beginning to think that this was actually going to happen and i would be pregnant since i had a very low temp in the time period that could potentially be implantation and then my temps went back up. i had 3 negative pregnancy tests but i still had hope that it was just too early to show up and that it would be a couple days later, then the dropped temps. i didn't bother testing at that point since that's always how it goes, it just happened a day later than normal (hence being more positve than other cycles by 11dpo).

so now i get to have the uncomfortable conversation with my doc about what to do to try to speed up the process. i just don't want to be told that we have to BD more because that's our biggest problem right now due to DH's low sex drive (tmi i'm sure, but i really need to get this off my chest since i don't have friends that i can openly talk to about this who understand what it's like to still be trying after more than a year). i'm hoping there's something she can give me without dh having to go to the doctor to talk about it because if that's what has to happen i might as well start accepting life without kids because a doctor is the last person he would go to even if it would help us along.

on top of not being pregnant yet, i've been reminding dh to make an appt to get his hernia looked at more closely so that he can get it taken care of and take some much needed time off without taking stress leave. but now i have to worry about him getting surgery before my fertile week next cycle and then sabotaging that cycle altogether and possibly the next cycle after that and not being able to even try until the new year.

i hate that i have to even think about any of this. i hate that i'm not pregnant yet. i hate that its taking this long. i hate that i feel like my husband doesn't even care. i hate that he won't talk to me if he is getting worried that it is taking so long. i hate this whole process and it makes me want to only have one child (if we get that far) because i don't want to go through this again to have a second child.

I've Stalled Out

(cycle 14, day 7)

its taking me a lot longer to finish my couch to 5k program, but i'm okay with that. i have to admit i was skeptical of being able to jog 20 minutes straight after just 5 weeks. i stalled out at week 5 day 1... i tried day 2, but jogging for 8 minutes nearly killed me! lol. i did it, but i felt like my legs were turning to jelly and were going to give out at any second and i was breathing like i was fighting for air. needless to say i haven't attempted that one again and probably won't for a while. for now i'm just working on jogging faster (i did my personal best last night at 6.4km/hr, i was pretty stoked!) and when i feel like 5 minutes is no longer a struggle or effort, i'll continue onto day 2 again. i don't think it will be too much longer, but the weather may stop me before i get to it. i bought myself a good running jacket for cooler weather, but i'm not sure how much colder i can handle : / so far i'm comfortable around the zero degree mark but when i walked outside this morning on my way to work, i was a little shocked by the -7 temp, haha. i'll have to try out more of the features on the new coat to see how much colder i can go before i have to give up jogging until the spring... or i'll have to take advantage of my moms treadmill for the winter...

On The Up Side....

i fit into an old pair of jeans from over 6 months ago!



what? i was proud of my accomplishment ;)

on down down side, AF showed up yesterday so i'm now on cycle 14 of TTC  :'(  ....

i'm trying to stay positive though so i'm jumping right back in. i also booked a physical with my doc for the middle of the next cycle so if this is our lucky month, i'll change it to a prenatal appointment and i'll be 5-6 weeks along, or i'll be able to talk to her about our options, and hope she doesn't dismiss me completely because of our lack of BDing....

other positives about not being pregnant yet:

• i can drink when we go Vegas in 2 weeks
• i can continue to lose weight and possibly make my first goal of losing 10%, and in turn be at an even healthier started weight for pregnancy
• i'll have better stamina for jogging/running because i can continue to do it and it will be a lot easier to continue while pregnant
• my tummy should still be able to fit in my winter coat instead of having to make due or buy a new one before the end of winter if i do get pregnant soon
• the due date for the next 2 cycles don't fall in the middle of a busy time with lots of family birthdays and holidays (like may-mid july or september-thanksgiving)

but all those positives don't help the fact that i'm completely bummed that i don't have a baby in my arms let alone my tummy yet. its hard doing this month in and month out when you want something so badly.... guess i'll just enjoy wearing old jeans for now  ; )

10 pounds!

(cycle 13, day 25, 9dpo)

so far weight watchers is totally working for me. although i must admit that today was a little hard to stick to my points... i just wanted to eat massive amounts of candy! i'm guessing that urge has to do with the point i'm in in my cycle, so i'm hoping it goes away and i can be happy continuing avoiding all that candy and junkfood like i have been for the last 6 weeks. i've lost 10.2lbs in the 6 weeks i've been on the plan but i haven't been doing any activity until the last 2 weeks so i'm sure i should start losing more in the coming weeks  : ) with those 10lbs, i've also lost an entire pant size! that feels amazing. i've shrunk out of a pair of jeans that i just bought 4 months ago because i was running out jeans that fit. now they're super baggy and unflattering. i'm also fitting back into some shorts that i couldn't wear over the summer which feels even better. at my weigh in on wednesday, i was even able to do up my belt an extra notch, yay!

i'm also back to my "couch to 5k" program since i took a hiatus for new brunswick and then the bathroom reno. i jumped right back into week 3 when i picked it up again! it was nice to know that i didn't have to start from the beginning again. i've now started week 5 and it was a lot easier than i thought it would be which is nice. i'm hoping to be at week 8 by november, but i'm not sure how the weather will affect that. i've also decided that i'm going to find a good zumba dvd or nintendo game and do that over the winter so i have a good variety of workout dvd's/games to choose from.


on my other quest, pregnancy, i'm still not sure how i feel about this cycle. one minute i'm convinced we failed and fully expect AF to show up on tuesday/wednesday like she should, but then the other minute all i want to do is test early because i'm convinced it's going to be positive. i'm at a crossroads. confused and really not sure what to think and what to do. i'm trying desperately to hold out until at least sunday to test, but depending on tomoro, i don't know if i'll have the willpower. i guess we shall see.......

Finished Bathroom Pics!

(cycle 13, day 22, 6 dpo)

just thought i'd post an update since i don't post as often anymore.

our bathroom is finally finished! i love it! granted we argued a lot in the process, but thank god we're done. we spend a lot of time on it, almost 3 extra weeks, but the results are awesome : )

after that experience, i think one of us has to take a back seat when we get to building our addition in the spring. that person will probably be me since i would rather hire a contractor to help with scheduling everything and getting things done that we can't do ourselves, but dh would rather do it himself (even though i'm pretty sure its just going to end up like the bathroom: the bane of his existence until its done). so all i plan on doing is the plans and painting. otherwise, i'm hands off, completely. and hopefully i'll have other things to focus my time on like planning for a baby. i'd even consider living at my moms or grandparents while the house is under construction so i'm not in the way and if i'm not involved, we can't argue about anything. i think our marriage needs that.

in other updates, i'm still feeling meh about our chances of conceiving this month. i know we timed it right, but we've done that for 2 months and so far nothing has come from it. i have discovered that my temps start dipping at 11dpo so from now on, i'm not testing until that point after i take my temp and look at my chart. if its down, no testing until i'm late and if it's up, i'll test early. it seemed to be consistent the last 3 cycles but my luck it will throw me for a loop and i won't be able to count on it : /

meh

(cycle 13, day 15)

i'm not overly optimistic, but i feel like i have to be. i'll be surprised if we end up with good chances this month of getting pregnant. i got what i think is a positive OPK today which historically means i'm going to O tomoro. i'm not ready to O yet to be honest. i was kind of hoping i wouldn't until cd18 but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. i'm going to have to get creative if i'm going to get dh in the sack to bd at least once more before i infact O (something i haven't been overly successful at).

everyone around seems like their pregnant right now. ppl close to me aren't, but in my virtual world of the internet, practically everyone is. the one really hurt hearing about is my 15 year old cousin. it wasn't expected and she didn't find out until she was at least 4 months along. i'm a little surprised that she ended up pregnant because of her upbringing, i would think that would be the last thing she would want, but she's happy, so i'm happy for her. i'd be lying though if i didn't say the thought of adopting her baby hadn't crossed my mind, as wrong as it is to even think about that : (

so hopefully we can get it done this month. i just want to be onto the next phase of preparing for the baby that's growing iside me. i want to plan the nursery and buy things here and there that our baby will use. i've avoided doing any of that or even any kind of window shopping so i don't get my hopes up and stare at un-used baby items forever. i want it be my turn. please?

if this doesn't happen to be our month, i am actually going to call my doc to see if there is anything we/i can do to help this along. i'll probably beg dh to come with me so we can both talk to her (even though i'm sure he won't because he won't talk to anyone about any of this).... i'm incredibly frustrated with all of this.

7 LBS!!!

can i just say i love weight watchers? or at least so far anyway. i might not like it so much when my weight stalls out and i stop losing on dieting alone. but for now, i'm liking it and i'm liking the system. i'm not feeling like i'm depriving myself of treats or other foods i would love to eat. i'm also getting better with self-control, not great, but getting better. i still have some of the foods i shouldn't and when we go out, i'm still eating most of what's on my plate instead of only eating an actual portion or only eating enough to sustain myself and not stuff myself, so i have to work on that. i also have to start getting more activity into my routine. it doesn't help that we've been in reno mode for the last 3 weeks, but it will definately be dying down in the next few days where i might actually be able to get a walk in some nights. i think i'm going to try to find a zumba dvd and maybe i'll start trying to do that in the morning since it will be more fun that any of the other workout dvds that i have. i'll at least give it a try.

but so far, i've lost 7lbs! 5% of my starting weight! i've very happy about that since i did it in 4 weeks and didn't do much in the way of 'working out'. the last week my loss wasn't much, but a loss none the less. i'm sure if i start being active, it will come off easier and i would think i would be able to lose another 7lbs (10% of my starting weight) by Halloween and be down to 145lbs. a weight i haven't been since before mexico. more of my clothes should fit me which would be nice since in the last 6 months i've outgrown (more like outweighed) all of my shorts/skirts for summer and had to buy 2 new ones just to try to last through this season. it sure didn't help my confidence when that happened. i also grew out of some of my favorite pants so i'm really hoping that i'll be back in them for the winter and the only reason i'd have to buy new ones would be to fit a growing baby belly (that i will hopefully get soon).

ideally i would love to be back down to 120 but realistically i want to be 130 like last year for our wedding, but i'm really hoping i get pregnant before that. but the longer it takes to get pregnant, the healthier i'll be and i'll be at a healthier starting weight for pregnancy. kind of a catch 22. as much as i would love to be pregnant, i would also love to lose all the weight i've put on.

its getting too frustrating

(cycle 13, day 1)

can i be totally honest and say that i'm VERY close to giving up TTC? this past cycle i basically just went through the motions without even getting upset about any part of it. heck, i nearly forgot to even use my OPKs this month (which i'm pretty sure is the reason i didn't get a distinct + on them because i tested 5 hours later than i did the day i got a + the first month i used them). i was diligent about taking my temps, but i never obsessed over them or my chart, so that is definately not the stressful part of TTC. for me, the most stressful part is BD timing. we rarely get it right. 4/12 months we had low chances, 6/12 the chances were non-existant and 2/12 (the last 2) we had 'good' chances, which are also the months i've used OPKs.

i think the stress of getting the bathroom reno done played a part this cycle. its the reason i nearly forgot to use the OPKs, too busy working and not thinking about testing until much later in the day. i'm hoping that since we should hopefully have the bathroom done this week that we can go back to being less stressed and maybe, just maybe, next cycle we'll get it right...

i have high hopes, but at the same time, i don't have hope. one good thing about it taking so long to happen is that its less likely that i'll be giving birth right in the middle of our anticipated addition so our lives won't be more chaotic than it already will be. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and my yearning for a child is getting worse and it breaks my heart even more when i think about us still being childless after a year off the pill. its getting to where our kids will be so much younger than anyone elses, they'll have no one to play with when we do eventually have our own.

why can't i have the one thing i want most? why does this have to be so damned hard to make happen? why do some girls get it easy and not others? why can't it just be a one-man operation?

i'm so lost.... and angry.... and sad at our misfortune.... i don't know if i'll be able to go another month after this one.... i think i'll be done putting in effort after this cycle.... i'm done trying....
ITS. JUST. TOO. HARD.