feeling quite defeated :'(

(cycle 18, day 29, 11dpo)

yeah, so i'm in a shitty mood today. i don't know why i expected it to be so easy for us the first cycle trying after the miscarriage. my chart was looking picture perfect and then today it nosedived (which it still looks picture perfect, its just very unlikely that this cycle worked based on the timing of the nosedive). this cycle has been harder on me than i ever expected it to be. i thought i'd be taking care of a baby by now, planning their first birthday... not still trying to make that baby. we had it briefly, but then had to start at square one again. this sucks and i can't even begin to explain how horrible i feel right now. i know its rediculous to feel this way after only one cycle, but TTC has taken up a year and a half of my life at this point. we haven't let it run our lives and put things on hold to make it happen, but when i think of everything we've done in those 18 months, it kills me that i can't add 'started our family' to that damn list. i'm barely holding it together today. first i was angry during my fertile time because i had to actually try again, and now its sadness mixed with some anger that it didn't work. i hope it gets easier because i don't think myself or my dh could handle these emotions for even one more cycle. i'm not sure if i want to continue temping next cycle since i know that the digi OPKs give me plenty of O notice, but it would be nice to know its a consistent thing each cycle. maybe i'll just temp starting cd7 until O is confirmed and then abandon it so that i don't get stressed out like i am now to hopefully avoid these feelings from overtaking me again. at least we can definately go on vacation next fall without being too pregnant (if i am at all) to even enjoy it or being a flight risk... guess i'll start looking forward to what's to come the next 6+ months and try to focus on things other than TTC so that maybe taking my mind off it will result in a baby. i have lots of things to help with that: courses, sewing projects, the addition, going back to WW, spring cleaning, planning vacation... i just hope its enough to keep my mind occupied. :-/