optimistic?

(cycle 29, day 10)

time seems to be moving so slowly, but at the same time, its not, if that makes sense. it feels like forever ago that i had AF and like its taking forever to get into the fertile phase of my cycle. but really, its just around the corner. i'm set to O on monday (cd15) if this cycle is to be anything like my previous 4 cycles, so this weekend is go time!

i wanted to try temping again to pinpoint O for accurate dates, but i totally forgot last night to put my BBT out for the morning, and i totally forgot i wanted to temp this morning. oops! hoping i can remember for tomoro and friday so i have somewhat of a baseline... i've been trying to drink more water, so i guess i'll have to stop that on friday if i want my OPKs to be accurate (though i guess i only have to cut out fluids for just a few hours before wanting to test, so its not too bad). i'm going to base whether i temp on sunday off of OPKs. if i get a positive on saturday, i'm going to temp sunday. if i don't get a positive OPK til sunday, i'll wait to temp on monday. i typically O the day after a positive OPK, so at least i don't have to set an alarm to temp over the weekend unless i get a positive OPK. i'll also stop temping once O is confirmed so that i don't go crazy analyzing my temps trying to figure out if i have an implantation dip or if its turning into a triphasic chart. its no fun getting all excited because your temps are doing great things, just to be brought down by a BFN, a temp nosedive or AF herself.

i'm somewhat optimistic and trying to stay that way instead of letting the pessimist in me come out. i want to be hopeful like i used to be, not be too realistic for my own good and always assuming it will never happen since it hasn't happened again yet. i'm excited about TTC, but at the same time scared shitless! i'm not sure i'll believe a BFP when i see it because i've seen a few too many evaps since the MC, so its hard to believe any of those would actually be a BFP instead. i remember the surreal feeling of staring at a BFP. i want that back.

body, please accept a baby!