just 2 more weeks

(4w 6d)

in another 2 weeks, i'll have made it as far as I did last time...

got to talk to my doc today to figure out the game plan for the first trimester. I wasn't very optimistic that i'd get anything since the nurse was fairly sure of herself saying they're standard protocol was to wait until 20 weeks for any USs... so the doc asked the usual questions, "your last lmp, how far along do you think you are" and I answered them and said I was kinda scared because all I can think of was the MC and how anxious it made me this time.

she decided to prescribe progesterone to last me til I reach 10 weeks (at which point the placenta takes over) and requested an US for around the 7 week mark so that we for sure see a heartbeat. so until I get the US and know there's a heart beating away in there, i'm on pelvic rest to give baby ample time to implant properly. that also means no strenuous exercise til that point. so no jogging or step class for the time being. i'm bummed cuz I have that colour me rad 5k race the weekend before I hit 7 weeks, so I won't have any time to warm up my legs and I probably won't be able run much of it and will instead have to take my time. something i'm sure my sister isn't anticipating since she won't know about the pregnancy til some time later in july when we tell the rest of the family.

so I called the US/Xray dept at the hospital to schedule the US and I was lucky enough to get one the day my dad comes into town, i'll be about 7w 1d. the US will be at the same time they land, so i'm hoping we'll make it home long before they get there. at first I wasn't going to have one until the week after, but she took a second look and I got lucky. so we'll be telling my dad when he's here about the pregnancy because we want to tell him in person since he's conveniently here, and we might also tell DH's dad the same day because that's conveniently his bday, lol.

i'm just still in such disbelief at how this happened and the timing of it all. just, wow!

Brutal Honesty

(4w 1d)

i'm terrified. the last time I got a BFP, there was another 7 within a month's span in my little FB group. 2 of us MC'd keeping the "1 in 4 pregnancies end in MC" stat alive and well. so far, i'm one of 3 BFP's I know of so far, but I have a feeling there will be more coming and i'll be the one to MC again  :'( its really hard fighting those feelings, its deja vu for me. I just want it to be our turn. we've been waiting more than long enough!

Holy Freaking Shit!

EDD: February 24, 2014

Beyond shocked to say the least since we just came off a break and made a half-assed attempt this cycle. as DH would say "didn't expect it to happen that fast".

as I mentioned last post, I had some cramping around 5dpo. I assumed indigestion since I was trying to write anything hopeful off cuz I was convinced it wouldn't happen naturally for us and that we'd be moving onto fertility testing come the fall. that cramping continued pretty much every day in some form or another, but again, deciding it was all in my head in an effort to keep my expectations low. the kicker was Thursday, 10dpo, when my boobs ached instead of just being tender and then cramping almost immediately after having some eggs in my lunch. once that happened, I was fairly certain something was different since eggs haven't been affecting me since some time before xmas.

luckily, I didn't have step class that night so I waited for DH to leave for fire practice and took a test for curiosities sake. I had just peed less than an hour before, but it looked concentrated enough so I thought "what the hell". next thing I knew, that second line popped up. I didn't even know what to do next, lol. it had been 18 months since I saw something other than a BFN or an evap... I remembered I had a digital test so I figured i'd use it to to further cement the idea that this was real since the line on the cheapie was fairly visible. that came up positive as well. holy freaking shit, I'M PREGNANT!

last thing I was expecting right before fathers day was this! so I went out and got DH an early fathers day card  : )  we had plans to see the new superman movie with some other couples, so he still didn't know anything was in the works. when we got home, he finally got to see the card and tests on the counter and was in disbelief. "fuck off, really?" I had to keep telling him "yes, really". on the inside of the card I wrote down the EDD and he got a shit eating grin on his face and rubbed my belly.



we're beyond excited, but also scared shitless because of what happened last time. I've got an apt next week (i'll be about 4w6d) to figure out if i'll get to have an early US and if i'll be getting blood tests or just their standard urinalysis. I'm really hoping I get what I want because god knows it would be nicer to know sooner rather than later that there isn't anything even growing.

the timing of this just kind of worked out somewhat perfectly. not sure how we got lucky enough for that to happen... we're really hoping for that early US so that (fingers crossed) we can tell my dad when he comes out for my sister's wedding and then tell the rest of our families at some point between the wedding and august long weekend. I don't want to wait til we go out to the cabin this year because DH won't be there til a few days after me and I won't be able to drink or drive the seadoo, and I don't want him to miss out on telling everyone. i'm guessing we'll make it official for everyone some time around our anniversary or early sept. we'll see how it goes first. i'm hoping we'll still be able to go to Ontario for xmas since i'll be between 30-32 weeks. and thankfully, end of February is a slow time as far as family bdays go, so LO will be lucky enough to not have their bday in the middle  : )  DH was worried about the possibility of a leap year baby, til I broke his bubble to tell him the leap year was only last year, lol.



still can't believe this is real... i'm just hoping for nothing but good news from here on out!

(cycle 34, day 30, 14 dpo, 3w6d)

crunch time

(cycle 34, about a week post O)

symptoms: possibly some convenient cramping that could be related to implantion... that's about it. trying not to test til at least sunday. I can only handle seeing a BFN so many times...


last night we went over what we need to have done and when. at some point in the next 3 weekends, we'll be putting down tile in the ensuite! holy shit! we need to have tile down by Canada day weekend because our vanity is being installed july 4th. we've also started talking about carpet and whatnot. I never thought we'd get to this point.

a couple weeks ago we had a leak in the basement (a window that was previously fixed) because of a major downpour, so its a bit of a mess right now with everything moved out of the way. DH is gonna organize it soon and after we clean the house for when my dad gets here, we're going to be sleeping in the basement until the carpet gets installed, probably end of july so I can finish mudding everything upstairs. i'm not looking forward to basically living in the basement, but i'm hoping its a limited amount of time. just enough to move furniture out of the bedroom so we can rip up the old carpet and then get the new carpet installed.

lots of work got done last weekend. like lots! I didn't get much headway on the mudding, but again, time vortex. dh got lots done though. he finished tearing out the old framing in the old bedrooms and even got a start on framing the new walls. the new bedroom size is awesome! it feels huge compared to what it was since the wall moved about 3 feet. its nice being able to see it go up. it sure helped dh picture what its going to finally look like since I had an idea in my head. at least now i'll have somewhere to go when i'm finally finished mudding the addition so I can keep working. the garage is just an after thought right now. at some point we'll get to it, hopefully.

so yep, crunch time. so much to do in the coming weeks!

old wall torn down, new wall put up! and the
lines on the floor marking where the rest
of the walls will be

lost track

(cycle 34, 2dpo)

I've already lost track of exactly which cycle day i'm on, lol. I could count the actual number, but i'd rather not. dpo count is easy since it was only Monday when I Od...

I don't have more optimism after our break. probably due to the fact that in 34 cycles, we didn't have a shot in hell in probably 12 of those cycles, so the number where we actually had a chance is down to 22. out of those 22 cycles, I only got pregnant once. not very good odds. so yeah, not optimistic. I think at this point, if I ever get to get see another BFP, i'll be in complete and utter shock. a very welcome surprise, but dumbfounded by shock. that's how much i'm not expecting us to ever get pregnant  :-/

time vortex

(cycle 34, day 16)

we may not have put in a huge effort this cycle TTC, but we did get at least one BD in  : )  had ewcm last week and then a pos OPK yesterday and my typical O day cramping today. so today is O and I begin the 2ww tomoro. not looking forward to AF being due on father's day, but it is what it is. I just don't like when it falls on a holiday cuz it sets myself up for a bigger disappointment when it doesn't happen. crossing my fingers it doesn't, but i'm not counting my chickens before they hatch.


oh, and that time vortex? mudding the addition is taking me hours upon hours to finish, and i'm only on the bedroom! i'm really hoping that its because its the first coat and the next 2 will go much faster. the first sucks so much when doing corners because you have to put the mud in the corners and then put up your corner bead, then more mud on top of that. so its basically 2 coats in all the corners for the first one. but I've now got all the corners in the bedroom done and the straight ones wont take me long and neither will the next 2 coats. every time I go in there to work, when I come out for something I think its only been an hour and I ended up wasting about 2 or 3 in there. not wasting per say, but time passes so fast in there that I've dubbed it the time vortex  : P

back on the horse!

(cycle 34, day 9)
^
yes, that means we're TTC again! can you tell i'm excited? lol.

we've been fully focused on the house the last couple months so we haven't even talked about TTC in quite a while. so it was probably a good mental break for both of us. I sure hope it was for him since it's been on my mind non-stop, but not talking about it for a while has helped me out. I've also taken a step back from some prego groups I was a part of on FB, so I think that has been helped lowered my stress related to TTC. I can only hope it did the same for him...


this past weekend, we finally picked out our tile for the ensuite! after being totally unsuccessful up to this point whenever talking about tile and even having a few arguments when looking through samples of tiles before, we totally agreed on everything and were able to get everything picked and bought  : )

since dh had a very unsuccessful tile trip the day before now that we've got samples of the granite countertop and stain colour for the vanity itself. we started our day with a breakfast date at Denny's. I love spending time with him because right now, quality time is few and far between. after breakfast, we started with the furthest store from our way home and we'd work our way south back towards the way home hitting all the hardware stores on the way. we didn't find anything at that first store (Rona), so we probably could've skipped that one altogether, lol. next up was Home Depot. we almost found everything we were looking for there, or at least got a better direction to go in. we picked out a basic, somewhat neutral tile for the floor and our accent tile there. from there, we went to Lowe's and got some marble that matches the marble in the accent tiles for the top of the tub surround. while there, we happened to run into our old neighbours so we hung out and chatted for probably at least an hour or so before continuing on our quest to get tile. it was nice to catch up with them since we don't see them much anymore because they live in the city now. last up was Totem (or at least what I thought was Totem but apparently they got bought out by Rona so I was little worried we wouldn't have much luck there since we didnt' have any luck at the first Rona) to pick out the wall tile in the shower. thankfully to my surprise, it was still set up as though it was Totem, just with a different brand name on the signs. thank god! lol. we were able to get all the wall tile picked out (after a bit of a mixup figuring out how much of a certain tile they had cuz we thought they didn't have enough and we'd have to go to another store to get it) and loaded in my little truck. the poor thing has never had so much weight loaded into it! with all that weight, it messed up where my mirrors point when i'm driving, LOL. I couldn't believe we managed to pick it all out and get it home! miracles happen  ; )

on the way home, after such a good day spent shopping with DH, I asked what our plan was with TTC since we hadn't talked about it in a while and we were no longer needing to prevent. to my utter surprise he totally agreed and said we're going to full on TTC again. I gave the option of taking a laid back approach like we had been doing just without the preventing part, but he said no, we'll actually try. to save myself disappointment when I am fertile, i'm only going to expect one BD session and anything else a bonus so I don't get myself all worked up and freaking out over it. I want to enjoy TTC again, not stress ourselves out over it. we can do that in the fall if nothing happens by then. lets just enjoy the summer and the house!!!

about 1500lbs of tile in the back of my poor truck, lol.

all around exhausted

felt a little down yesterday...

this whole addition and TTC being at the same time is really getting to me. we're constantly between NTNP and just giving up with TTC. the house taking forever to finish isn't helping. we're really getting somewhere with it now at least, but I have many days where I feel quite resentful that we took so much time during the winter to sit on our asses and relax for a good while, which we needed, but it still sucked. it kills me because its all time we could have either been TTC or getting the house finished so we could TTC sooner. I just want our baby back. we both agree that it was bad timing last time I was pregnant, but we were being naïve with how we thought the addition would go. it still sucks ass that we had to lose our baby in the process. I wish it was easier for us to get pregnant on our own, but its still looking like we'll still be trying by the fall and will have to go ahead with testing. god knows how long it will take to get appointments for things we can't just get my doc to do  :/

onto the house. you have no idea how much of a difference just getting drywall up will give you! we had our vapour barrier and insulation inspection and the inspector was very happy with what he saw and gave us the go ahead to continue on and even gave us a pass on getting the garage inspected as long as we do as good a job as we did upstairs. so our next inspection is the FINAL! I built the remaining arches while DH worked on the plumbing and I actually got started on the drywall a week and a half ago in the closet and it actually has 2 coats of mud already. I had help from my uncle and my mom during the long weekend and got the majority of the drywall upstairs done, just a few smaller manageable pieces left for me to do. I was so mentally exhausted by the end of sunday and I still had Monday to go. I don't think I've been so exhausted since we dug the hole, but there wasn't a lot of measuring and thinking involved, so even though digging was a lot of hard labour, lifting and cutting drywall was much harder. coming weekend i'll be working on mudding everything, finally. DH worked on landscaping and built some little planters between or western neighbours to bridge the height difference between our yards after the driveway was done. i'm actually going to have my own little herb garden and a couple other things  : )  hopefully I don't kill everything, ha! once he's done with the landscaping and has grass seed down, he'll move onto the upstairs bedrooms so that we can get carpet done up there sooner. I can't believe we're finally talking about carpet, I never thought i'd see the day. things are slowly coming together and its looking awesome! if only I could remember to bring the memory card to work so I could post some more recent pics of it, lol.

not the clearest pic, but it really shows how much work has been going on

come on cd1!

just patiently waiting for AF to show up... i'm at the end of the second cycle of preventing so we can finally actually let whatever may happen, happen. i'm not fooling myself and actually thinking it would happen just like that, but i'd be lying if I wasn't at least a little hopeful that it could happen like that. but lets not kid ourselves. i'd be absolutely shocked if I did somehow manage to get pregnant in the next 4 months since I know we won't be full on TTC and just going with the flow before the stress of testing takes its toll on us just like the toll the house and how long we've already been TTC has taken on us.

to be honest, I don't even fully know when AF should be showing up. I don't know if I can trust my CM since it was kinda messed up this cycle due to meds and I wasn't fully paying attention to much. I noticed some cramping around cd15 that could have been O, but I really don't know for sure. going by history, AF will be showing up sometime in the next day or so (right in time for the long weekend, yay *sarcasm* not that we're going anywhere...) so I guess we'll see... the worst that could happen is she's late, but that could bode in my favor as far as timing with my summer plans, but like that would happen  :P  that or maybe by some stroke of luck a swimmer magically got in there and magically fertilized an egg that may or may not have been released within 4 days of that BD... yeah, and unicorns are real. I've completely ruled out that possibility...

Mother's Day.... sigh

yeah... i'm still bitter about mothers day. the same as last year.

I shouldn't have logged onto facebook at all yesterday. I was bombarded by mothers day this and mothers day that and how thankful women are to have their kids and so on and so forth. it was also hard to do groceries because everyone and their mom (heh) were out either buying things for their mothers day meal, or gifts/flowers for their moms. it ripped my heart out. I want so badly to at least be pregnant next mothers day so I don't tear up at the drop of a hat over a simple comment "happy mothers day" or just seeing a bunch of ppl doing things for their moms. if i'm not, then I think i'll be changing my grocery day to Saturday so don't have to see it all. it was all just so frustrating, heartbreaking, saddening, hurtful, everything. I just wanted to scream, "WHAT ABOUT ME?!"

even my family still forgets how fragile I am about the baby I lost. I was at the family dinner yesterday and when we were all sitting around the table, my aunt starts counting all the mothers in the family: 3 - my grandma, my mom and an aunt. I couldn't help but tear up so left the table before anyone could see my face. I hate being forgotten and I hate being in this limbo.

limbo. that place where you were supposed to be a mother, but all you are is a mother to an angel so no one ever sees this child you didn't get to mother so they forget about you. you're left behind to pick up the pieces of the life you should've had and expected to continue on without getting upset over little things. the little things that mean so much to a mom that should have been. that hug or cuddle you get from you LO on mothers day. the card your family gets for you. the breakfast in bed your husband helps the kids make. the little things that most ppl don't realize are huge things to someone who had to let those thoughts die along with their baby. I didn't get any of it. this year was supposed to be my first mothers day with my child. instead, I got up at 8am to start working on the house. nothing. no special breakfast, no hug or cuddle, just loneliness and longing for what could have been. limbo.

lets hope next year is better...