resentment

(cycle 42, day 20, 6 dpo)

I realized today I harbour a bit of resentment towards women who find out they aren't ovulating within that first year of TTC. its feels like they get fast tracked into the world of testing and finding reasons for things not working whereas if you're a woman who regularly ovulates, you spend a lot more time waiting to get to that point.

woman who don't ovulate or have incredibly irregular cycles can basically go to the doctor after a short amount of TTC (like 3 months) and then get to do a bunch of testing to get answers. like they're the popular kid in school who gets picked first.

I read infertility blogs and when I start reading one that strikes a cord in me, I like to find out their timeline and what worked for them or what they got diagnosed with, try to relate their story or timeline to my own. i was reading one today and that's when it hit me that i have these feelings. i compare when we started TTC to when they started TTC. how long it takes them to finally get a BFP, if they've MCd, or in the case of women who don't ovulate, how quickly they begin to get help.

aside from having 2 MCs to kind of touch on figuring things out, I'd still be waiting to get to the point if it weren't for a sympathetic specialist and doctor. i still don't have answers from that testing, but I'd still be waiting is my point. because the first pregnancy took about a year of cycles where we had a shot, we weren't at the testing stage yet when i finally got that second line on a test, in fact, my doctor told me to wait 6 months and then within the first 2 months, it happened. the same thing happened with the second pregnancy. nearly on the cusp of going for help, the second line appeared on a test so we once again didn't get any testing done. we're still less than a year of ttc after that second pregnancy/MC so we're still not at the testing stage. that mandatory year of trying before getting help has extended our TTC story by at least a year, if not two. had i not been ovulating, i would've been getting help back in dec of 2010, more than 3 years ago. even if i did have 2 MCs like i do, I'd more than likely have a diagnosis long before now and have moved on to IUI or IVF or something else to get our THB, and likely even have that THB by now. instead, I'm still waiting.

just because i ovulate on my own, i get to witness countless women who don't, become pregnant and give birth without being able to get help yet. I'm only on cycle #6 of TTC since MC #2. i still have lots of waiting ahead of me and I'm resesntful. its not fair. i could probably go get the help at this point because it has been 6 months and both my doc and the specialist have offered it to us, but we've already done some testing that doesn't show that anything is amiss. i feel stuck.