still slacking... oops!

(cycle 42, day 12 - omg, 42 cycles?! when did that happen? :( )

I'm still a blog slacker... my bad. seriously, nothing has really changed on any front. the house is still at the state its been for a couple weeks but that's because the progress isn't measurable when its just another coat of mud... all of that will be changing soon! mostly because i'll be starting to sand the mud hopefully by this weekend and then priming will follow that, so it will be easier to see the progress  : )

on the ttc front, I'm getting close to O. I'm still incredibly frustrated with my body because where I used to have actual signs of things going on with my body, they seem to have completely disappeared. I haven't really had any cm to speak of and I'm already cd12. I don't get it. nothing. not even creamy cm to indicate that I am at least on my way to get fertile cm. I thought I was getting there last week when it seemed like I was going to start getting watery cm, but in the last 2 days there's been absolutely nothing. BDing wasn't super enjoyable because of it  : / 

I have started temping again so we'll see where that gets me. OPKs are negative so far (at least yesterday's since I haven't tested today yet). I really hope O isn't still a week away because I don't know that dh will be able to keep BDing every other day for that long...

speaking of DH, he's really been gung ho on ttc the last two cycles we were trying. its actually a nice change. though I've now starting feeling like it wont' really matter because i'll never get pregnant ever again and we'll live a childless life from here on out. he suddenly wanted to start taking vitamins again and has been more enthusiastic about BDing. we'll see how long that lasts... but seriously speaking, its a huge change coming from him and I greatly appreciate it.

I'm not optimistic anymore. like at all. I'm just going through the motions of each cycle and then getting pissed off because AF has thrown a huge wrench my way with my cycles being completely out of whack and unpredictable. I miss being able to tell exactly when O was so I knew exactly which day AF was going to show up. the last two cycles I waited for AF to show up for a couple days. it wasn't until the day she showed when I actually felt like she was coming cuz I got my telltale pressure in the pelvis followed by cramps and backaches and then AF. that was the only telltale thing those cycles. everything else was questionable since obviously my O day was off even though my signs were all there. I want to be optimistic again. I want to feel like we actually have a chance at conceiving (nevermind the fear that will overwhelm me when it acutally happens, I'm not even really thinking about that yet cuz god knows if we'll ever even see a BFP again...), like we're a somewhat normal couple still and we'll see a second line within the next few months, but I just don't feel that way anymore. its even worse than just before getting pregnant the second time. I wasn't optimistic then, but this is just somehow worse.

anyway, i'll try to be more diligent about updating more often, especially since things are really going to be moving on the house and I should be Oing at some point before the end of the weekend...