A Mild Breakdown

(9dpo)

yup. last night i just about had a complete meltdown over something silly. pregnancy hormones perhaps?

my wound at my tailbone is still not healing as fast as i like and it seems like it get so close to closing up and then BAM, a set back and it gets bigger and takes longer to heal. it just seems like i'm going to stuck with this forever. i'm so close to just putting a band-aid over it and letting it scab over instead of healing properly but i have a hard time not doing things the way its supposed to be done.

well i got out of the shower lastnight and took a look and just burst out in tears at the lack of progress i was seeing (as nearly a week ago it was half the size it is now). DH thought i was just crabby and mad at him when i was just upset that i still have to rely on him being home and doing this for me. i don't even remember what its like to shower whenever i want and not worry about him being home to do it. complete and utter breakdown #1 over something silly...

i had another one at the same time last night. i got upset that DH hasn't been home much lately because he has a hard time telling ppl no and not managing his time well. i feel like i'm not a priority in his life like when we first started dating. everyone else gets all his time and he doesn't even think about putting time aside for me. not only do i feel like i'm not a priority in his life, i don't feel like an equal. whenever we're walking he's always 5 steps ahead and rarely waits for me to catch up or checks to see if i'm still following. if i didn't want to end up fighting, i would stop walking once in a while to see how long it takes for him notice i'm not there anymore. forget even wanting to hold his hand....

so i don't know, maybe its just me being overly sensitive and having a meltdown just because or maybe this is what its like to be emotional when you're pregnant. its definately possible as i'm 9dpo... i had a dip in my temp yesterday and it was back up today, so its possible that was an implantation dip... whatever the case may be, i'm still testing tomoro because i want to know! haha.

i know that was a lot of emotional stuff about my marriage, but i just needed to get it out so i don't keep it bottled up and then it explodes later in a less constructive way. this is MY blog afterall  ; )  and who knows, maybe i'll delete that part later when i'm feeling better and not so raw.

(cycle 11, day 25, 7dpo)

we went out for our first anniversary supper this past weekend <3 we decided to go out the weekend before our actual anniversary so we could be home with our puppy the night before we leave instead of leaving her at home alone and then leaving early the next day.

we first went to Totem to order/pay for our tub surround (which i felt kinda weird going into a home improvement store in a dress and heels, but i guess in the bigger city, they must see it more often than i think : / ) and then went for our supper at Japanese Village. I don't think I've had a better meal, well maybe when we went out for our expensive dinner in San Diego... But they prepare your meal right in front of you! I went back in april with my family for mine and my aunt tammy's birthday, but DH wasn't able to go so it was nice to share it with him this time. he was pretty impressed that they pour your beer and cut your meal up for you. the way they prepare the lobster tail is so cool! i've never seen it done before, then again, i've never really seen lobster cooked before. it was a delicious meal and we definately didn't leave hungry : D

the next day we cleaned our trucks (i always like clean truck day, hehe) and went for a round of golf. it was nice to golf just the two of us this time and we rented a cart so we didn't have to walk in the hot sun. i didn't even get overly frustrated this time!


now its back to work for the week and then we're off to New Brunswick for a week for hubby's family reunion. i'm still planning on testing on thursday but i'm not sure what kind of result i'm going to get. part of me thinks this month is it and part of me is expecting AF to show up while we're away (which would not be fun). but dealing with AF is just as annoying as still dealing with that abcess that refuses to heal in time for holidays so we don't have to take care of it anymore. i can't wait til i can shower whenever i want and not be limited to when hubby is home. my ass has never gotten so much attention!

I Definately Ovulated : )

(cycle 11, day 21)

sorry its rotated, you'll just
have to tilt your head.... lol



this post is going to be TMI for some, mostly those not interested in reading about TTC and all that comes with it....

well i definately O'd this month! i only had the one positive OPK because the next day it was negative. as i suspected i O'd the day i got the lighter test (cd 18) because my temp sky rocketed and it hasn't done that since i started temping. most months its been pretty obvious when i did because i had higher temps, but this one was very obvious and no questions like last months ambiguous chart where i thought i did, then 2 days later it rose higher and thats when FF first gave me cross hairs, then a few more temps and they changed it to 2 days later. that won't be happening this month  : D

so hopefully this is our month since this is the first time we've actually BDed when i was fertile so we actually have a decent shot at it happening. i think i've only been close once where we BDed once on the day i O'd but i think that's the only month that happened, otherwise we've always missed my fertile window. so my fingers are crossed super tight this month!

hubby already asked if i can test for pregnancy yet. i guess it doens't matter how many biology lessons i give him, he just doesn't quite understand how the female body works. i'll be testing next thursday as that will be 10dpo and i should be able to get reliable results by then. and i'll test again on the day we leave for new brunswick (12dpo). i really hope AF doesn't decide to show up this month because she would suck to have while away and getting a BFP would be an awesome 1 year anniversary gift!



Postive OPK!

(cycle 11, day 18)

i got my positive OPK yesterday! now we just have to do enough BDing to build a reserve to be there when my egg drops, lol.

i was really starting to wonder if i would ever get a +OPK since all i had for 4 days were incredibly faint lines (which actually show up better in that pic than they do in person...) and then a slightly darker line on cd16. i was almost surprised to see that very clear + since i had no indication that it was going to happen other than increase in CM but not to the point where it was EWCM.

so hopefully get some good BDing in so we get a + pregnancy test this cycle!

couch to 5K / OPKs

(cycle 11, day 12)

well i'm managing to stick with my new regimen relatively well and staying on track : ) i've started the second week and it actually wasn't any harder than the very first day i started this. it was a pleasant surprise. i've also started tracking my distance on my jog tracker app on my phone (its so handy, lol) so i know about how far i'm going each day/week and i can see when i'll be getting close to actually doing 5km. this new app also has 'medals' to help keep you motivated and i think its working! they give you ones for working out 4 times in one week and another for doing that 2 weeks in a row and another for 4 weeks in a row (or something like that), also for doing workouts in the early mornings and late nights, logging 80km...

on the other half of my all consumed life right now (well other than work), i'm still waiting for the OPKs and HPTs i ordered : ( and i wanted to start using the OPKs today incase i O early (like cd15) so that i can catch the surge of LH on the tests. if i don't get them in the mail today, i'll have to cough up the extra $40 to buy them in store just so i can start them today. i guess that's okay, its not ideal, but at least i'm not totally broke so i can afford that much for them (which is totally rediculous it costs so much just for these little strips). i just hope this our month and we make a good attempt. and hopefully i O early instead of late so i'll know the fate of this cycle before we jet off to new brunswick for that family reunion.......

couch to 5k

(cycle 11, day 7)

well in my wait for a baby, i've decided to do something to help pass the time (as if i don't already have enough to do) and help me get in shape and help attain a goal of mine that i've been wanting to accomplish for the last 2+ years.

i've been hearing a lot about this "couch to 5k" program that helps get people active. little did i know that i've actually been doing a very similar technique already. its easier than i thought it would be and i hope to continue with it and actually be able to complete the full 9 weeks without quiting. hopefully i also some of the weight i've put on in the last 6 months. i hope i don't have to abondon this endevour in the event i do get pregnant in the near future, but i should at least be able to stay active so i don't turn into a blob...

so far i've finished week 1 and i think i'm going to try and finish the 9 weeks before its actually been 9 weeks by going out more than 3 times a week. i have until september 30th to finish this (i know that's actually 10 weeks, but i'll be in new brunswick for a week so i'll take that week off or at least not track it if i do get some in while we're there). i hope i can finish by the middle of september, but we'll see. i'm just glad i'm finally doing this!

date nights

(cycle 11, day 6)

i love date nights, especially random ones that just kinda happen.

it was so nice out last wednesday and there weren't any misquitoes out yet, i suggested we go golfing since we have yet to do that just us, let alone me go again since my first time out on the course. turned out to be ladies night so golfing was out. i suggested a bike ride because of the nice weather and hubby suggested renting a move (harry potter and the deathly hallows pt1). so we got out the bikes and went out.

it was nice cuz we got to talk the entire time and just enjoy being out doing something together. it was like we were back in mexico (which i still have to blog about...) when we biked around the Coba ruins. as we got closer to the movie store, all hubby could smell was KFC so we decided after getting some movies, we'd go have KFC for supper and then bike home to watch the movie. it was just a nice relaxing night and i loved every minute of it : )

so much for being hopeful....

(cycle 11, day 1 ???)

well my temp has dropped each of the last 3 days to the point that i'm now basically back to pre-O temps. so i'm pretty certain that AF is going to show up any time now. i'm not sure how to feel since i knew that cycle was a long shot but i wanted to be hopeful only because it is taking so long for anything positive to happen and i want to be genuinely excited about something. the only other times i've been that excited was getting HayHay, when we were getting married (like the whole process, from engagement to wedding day to the san diego honeymoon), and winning that lottery. buying my first car and my first neice being born are close, but not the giddy exictement i'll have when i see that first BFP.

so i'm not sure what to do now.... we really are getting close to that infamous one year mark but our problem isn't that one of us might be infertile, our problem is a lack of BDing because of a lack of sex drive (i know it's probably not what you want to read about, but its a fact). i think i might book an appt with my doctor to get my physical done and if i'm preg by then i'll turn it into a prenatal appt, if i'm not, i'll be asking questions about our issues and see if there is anything they recommend to help us get that baby sooner. it sucks that i'm even thinking about resorting to a doctor when it should just be a matter of letting it happen and it happens. it's almost like a knife to the heart.

this cycle, i'm pulling out all the stops i can as well as getting some OPKs and continuing BBT charting in hopes that this is our last month of trying and i don't have AF while on holidays in new brunswick.


ETA: i finally found a website with cheap tests!!! do you have any idea how excited that makes me? any kind of test is crazy expensive to buy in stores and at this site they're a fraction of the cost and i can get a combo kit that has OPKs (which i want to try out this month) as well as HPTs and they'll show up before i'm even close to Oing this cycle and cost me next to nothing to ship : )

come on BFP!!!

(cycle 10, day 30)

i'm still not sure how many dpo i am. i'm either 11, 13 or 15 dpo but i'm inclined to ignore the later O date so i'm either 13 or 15 dpo. which means i either should have gotten a BFP or AF by now, neither of which have happened. maybe FF is right and i did O on cd19 so AF would be showing up on thursday, but that still doesn't seem right to anyone.

i ended up testing on saturday, but not to my surprise, it was a BFN. however AF hadn't arrived like she would on sunday if my O date was cd15. so i tested again this morning and as far as i could see, it was another BFN and still no sign of AF which would be bound to happen today if my O date happened to be cd17. sorry for all the numbers, i know it can get confusing...

i'm unusally non-irritable this month unlike other months ahead of AF and so far in the last 9 cycles, she's only completely caught me off guard and unprepared (though i always had supplies, but had to secretly obtain them and go back to the washroom right away) when showing up a handful of times. other times i either had a huge temp drop while charting or i had at least some spotting for at least a couple hours before so i knew to be ready and had supplies in place instead of only in my purse or in the cupboard. so far, nothing. i have had a couple days where i felt slightly nauseous or anything else related to pregnancy, but today, not much of that or anything else really. just a small temp drop but no where close to my coverline and still high enough to be considered triphasic if sticking with the cd15 O date. actually right now, my left mipple is sore, odd....

anyway, that's my rambling for today and i hope i have something to update in the coming days and i hope its good news and that evil wench coming to town again. man do i hate her : P

2 posts in 2 days? wha???

(cycle 10, day 25, 10? dpo)

well FF has kind of failed me. i'm sure i O'd no later than CD17, possibly CD15 (thanks to the ladies on MH who mostly all believe it was CD15 when they've looked at my chart). due to the BBTs i've had the last two days, they've decided that i O'd on CD19 in which case there is no shot at a baby this month...

because all my temps after CD17 are above any temps i had before that, i don't believe what FF has given me. i want to say i O'd CD17 because of my CM pattern, but my temps point to CD15. if i overide FF to either of those days, they give me 'good' odds at a pregnancy this cycle, not 'great' due to lack of BDing, but at least i'm getting 'good' this month. that's only happened 1-2 times since i started charting last december (which is incredibly frustrating when all i want is for us to be parents).

so now, here i sit at either 6, 8 or 10 DPO. that gives me a testing date of either next monday, wednesday or friday depending on which O day you go with. my gut tells me i Od on CD17 so i would be 8dpo right now, but i'm also favouring what the girls in MH are saying and go with an O date of CD15 and 10dpo. i want to test on saturday along with some of the girls in the 2WW thread on MH (who are all so supportive and i'm thankful to have them to talk to since no one i personally know is going through this same thing) but i don't want to disappoint myself if its a BFN. there are 2 reasons that can happen: #1, to early to test or #2, i'm not pregnant. tests aren't cheap here so i don't want to waste them! this time, however i will buying a first response (pink dye test) instead of clear blue (blue dye test) since it looked like it would never be positvie because of the very obvious BFNs and didn't look like there was even a space for the second line to show up.

i guess i'll wait for my next two temps to decide what i'm going to do, but i think i'll be buying some tests tomoro incase i decide to do one on saturday. if they are still quite high, i think i may have a triphasic chart (a very good pregnancy sign, not definate, due to increased progestrone, the pregnancy hormone) if i O'd on CD15 like the case seems to be. we'll see.....




ovulation crosshairs on CD15, overiden from FF