in the middle

had a convo with DH about TTC with the potential due dates conflicting with travel and I got this response: "if it happens, it happens and we'll work around it". happy day! somewhat anyway...

it means we'll be bouncing back and forth between TTC and avoiding for the next few months. I still don't have an official date from my BF for her wedding so I can't plan around it yet, but I should be good for the next 2 months. we can't TTC this month anyway cuz the due date would be mere days before MIL's wedding and i'm not sending my DH across the country when i'm either a week overdue and he runs the chance of entirely missing the birth of his baby, i'm still in the hospital after having a baby and have to get my mom to drive me home, or leave me and a brand new baby home alone for a couple days. not happening. not that I would think it would actually work this cycle, but i'm not chancing it. I dont' mind sending him alone, but with a potential due date that close to it, no. it also gives us a chance to get the first bit of testing done and if meds are needed to sustain a pregnancy, we'll know about it before one happens.

ideally i'd get pregnant next cycle. in all sorts of ways, it would be convenient. almost as convenient as it would have been if last cycle worked.
1) i won't have to see DH's cousin's new baby that is due the day before I was
2) nothing conflicting with BFs wedding
3) won't have to take a long-ass break from TTC, only this cycle
4) round of testing ordered will be done and hopefully an answer/fix
5) my yearly physical falls when I would know if i'm prego or not so I can get the appropriate meds/requisitions for anything that needs to be scheduled ahead of time (like the US)
6) first few weeks will be while away so will help pass time before first US

I know better than to be so hopeful that it will work out that way, but one can dream. at least i'll feel like i'm not wasting the next 6 months of TTC. it will all depend on when BFs wedding is and i'm hoping she'll know by xmas so that i'm not in limbo as to whether we can TTC during whichever cycles.


I have my US the gyno wanted scheduled for Nov 26 and the follow up with him on Dec 2. I have to get bloodwork done before that, so i'm going to get that done next Friday so the results are in before the follow up. its going to be a busy lead up to the holidays!

the universe can go to hell

feeling pretty lost lately. I went to a wedding over the weekend and I saw no less than a combined minimum of 10 pregnant or new mothers  : (  it felt like an inadvertent slap in the face from the universe. that was supposed to be me! I was supposed to be 5 months along with a lovely bump to prove it. instead i'm still left with empty arms, a broken heart and a break from TTC. WTF? wtf universe?!?!

I got to sit through a dinner listening to a friend talk all about her pregnant and how she's not quite at the excited "omg, i'm pregnant" which to me just burns a hole through my soul because i'd be ecstatic to be in her shoes like I should be.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. some days I feel fine and none of this bothers me as much as it does other days. some days i'm just seething with anger towards my situation and long for the days I was pregnant or when I was naïve enough to think we wouldn't have issues and first started TTC.

DH hasn't really been helping the situation either. when we see babies, all he can say is how excited he is for when its us, but all I can think is "if we're lucky enough to even get that far". I feel like my fertile years are slipping me by and DH hasn't got a clue how long this is really taking. it will be minimum 4 years since we started TTC to have a baby since its been over 3 already and we have to take a break for the next while. that puts any due date well beyond the 4 year mark and might as well call it a potential 2015 due date because I highly doubt that the few months that we can TTC that would result in a 2014 baby would even work. god knows if having a baby in 2015 will even work. how much longer can I possibly do this? will I be going into my 30's without ever making it out of the first trimester? with how long this is taking, its becoming a real possibility that it could happen (turning 30 and still no baby). how many years of TTC would that be? we started TTC when I was 24! again, WTF universe!!!

I could be getting all out of sorts for nothing and with the testing i'm about to get, find out why I've MCd twice and when we can start TTC again, it will happen quickly. its never worked out that way, but maybe our luck will change. it would be a nice change of pace.

TTC no more...

well, we're taking a break. i'm not happy about it, but i'd also be very disappointed if I had to miss my BFs wedding. why did it have to work out this way? why? why? why?

when?

(cycle 37, day 26, 12 dpo)

when will it be our turn?

another BFN today and I've lost hope. I didn't expect it to be easy, but I was hopeful that just maybe it wouldn't be so hard this time. I guess those hopes were misplaced  : (

3 years and still nothing to show for it but 2 MCs. this is rough. it will be at least 3.5 years til we can even TTC again because we're forced to take a break. none of this would have to happen if either of those babies had just hung on. we wouldn't be where we are. this last one was even better because we'd be done the house by the time it was born and we would be bringing a baby back east for those weddings. instead, I get to see DH's cousins baby who is due at the same time I was. what a knife to the heart. not only do I lose my precious baby, but I get to watch someone who's not even with the father (or at least things seemed very rocky and it happened very quickly after they got together) and a pregnancy that was a surprise, be a mother and get nothing. just an empty heart. god help me if we don't get pregnant before then... I've only got 9 months... and after our induced break because of those weddings, I've got like 3 cycles to get it done (all depending on when my best friend's wedding is). yeah right, like that would work. fuck.

i'm so tired of the heartache. i'm so tired watching everyone around me get what I want most' i'm so tired of family not understanding what this is like, how much heartbreak this is causing me, anger and complete frustration. i'm so tired of ppl asking if we have kids.

i'm just tired. maybe this break will be good for me. maybe not. I guess we'll see.

B F N

(cycle 37, day 24, 10 dpo)

not surprised since I knew it would be a long shot anyway, but sad cuz I really wanted this cycle to work out because I don't want to be forced to take a 4-6 month break  : (

close to the end

(cycle 37, day 22, 8 dpo)

i'm less than a week away from knowing if we're going to be taking a very long break or if we'll be going east with a little extra luggage. i'm hoping for the latter obviously.

I don't have any glaring symptoms to point to being pregnant so i'm not very hopeful. i'm going to start testing on Wednesday either way. I have an apt on Friday for a tattoo consult. I don't really want to go if I am pregnant because I don't want to pay a deposit if i'm going to have to cancel. i'd like to give the most notice possible, hence testing Wednesday.

here's hoping i'm wrong and there is something brewing inside...

appointment day...

apparently in Canada (or at least according to the specialist), you need to have 3 MCs in order to be termed "recurrent pregnancy loss". while I agree with it, it still sucks having to go through any before any digging is done to look into it further. but with that said, he said that I shouldn't have to wait for another one to do at least some investigating. we can't quite jump to things like chromosome testing and HSGs without raising some eyebrows with the powers that be since they are incredibly expensive tests (and i'm guessing by his statement of this that those tests are free for me to get, its just an expensive thing for the health care to pay for without meeting the criteria of 3 MCs first) so we're doing some preliminary testing first to see if anything pops up.

he gave me requisition form for a whack load of blood tests and an US to check out my uterus.
-antithrombin III
-protein C
-protein S
-APC reistance
-lupus anticoagulant
-antiphospholipid antibodies
-homocysteine
-PT 20210A mutation
-PTT
-ANA
-thyroid antibodies
majority of these are clotting disorder related and the last couple are autoimmune related

once those come back, i'll meet with him again to go over the results. at that point, he'll decide if we should pursue more testing and what course we should take. for now, DH is off the hook, but if the specialist wants chromosome testing done, we're both getting those blood tests. I have to wait til i'm 3 months post MC to get any of the tests done, but that's up Nov 6th so not that much longer and it will probably take at least that long to get the US booked. once I book a day for the US, I can call his office and book the next apt with him since the receptionist said they book about 4 weeks out.

if this cycle is successful, then we wait on testing. ideally i'd carry to term and we won't have to go through this, but if I don't then i'm guessing i'll be getting all this testing done along with the HSG and chromosome testing and whatever else comes with RPL.

last chance for a while

(cycle 37, day 17, 3 dpo)

this is the last cycle we can actually TTC for a while  :'(  realized that the due date for next cycle would prevent us from going east for MIL's wedding and DH really wants to go to see family he hasn't seen in a long time. I wouldn't mind skipping it, but I know it means a lot to him to see that side of his family that I can't do that to him. after that wedding, only a couple months later we have another wedding to go east for and its one I wouldn't miss for anything, my BF's. we've been friends for over 20 years and she's asked me to be a BM. since she doesn't have an official date picked yet, i'm not sure how long of a break we will need to take. there might be a cycle in between that we can try if there's enough time between the 2 weddings, but we might as well wait until around march of 2014 to get back to TTC. it really sucks because its extending the process by half a year after we've already been trying for so long. so much is riding on this cycle.

tomoro is my apt with the specialist finally and i'm hoping that because there is a chance this cycle could work, that he'll be willing to test my progesterone to rule that out. I don't know if he will or if he would just prescribe it as a precaution like my doc did last time, but i'd like to know if progesterone is in fact an issue for me. at least after this cycle, I have time to get a lot of testing done without a pregnancy either cutting it short or skewing results. maybe the threat of testing will be enough to scare my body into working properly and allowing a pregnancy to happen and go to term. its happened for a number of women I know, I just hope I can be one of them...

no words

that about sums it up

what should have been

i should be 20 weeks right now. I should also have seen my baby again, just this time looking like a baby and moving around a whole bunch. today was supposed to be the 20 week US and instead i'm a week away from my specialist appt.

I hate that i'm going through this again. I just want a living, breathing baby. why me?

I want all these milestones to disappear, they aren't helping. the minute I think i'm okay, I realize that our first was supposed to be a year old by now, everyone is supposed to be all excited over my big belly during upcoming holidays. i'm supposed to be flaunting my belly, not desperately hiding it because i'm having a hard time losing my "baby weight" (if you can call it that).