ambivalent

(cycle 36, day 2)

I shockingly wasn't overcome with grief and anger at the onset of AF. I expected to since last time I had a major meltdown over her arrival because it was just another punch to the gut and reminder of what I no longer had. I have no idea why it didn't hit me as hard this time.

maybe its because I didn't benefit from "increased fertility" in the months following the MC last time, or that I just honestly don't believe we'll conceive in the next 12 months. I don't expect getting pregnant to be easy at all. it hasn't been in the past. each time it took nearly a year and a half, why would it take less time now? I have the same low expectations I did at the beginning of summer before getting pregnant.

i'm still waiting for a call from the clinic to know when my apt with the gyno will be. I thought they would've called by end of last week, or at least the beginning of this week. I didn't expect it to take longer than a week to get one set up. that's bumming me out a bit because I feel like we shouldn't even be attempting to get pregnant until after I get testing done because i'll just end up in the same situation I am now, TTC after another MC. why would next time be any different if we don't have any answers yet or possible fixes other than more prometrium? I don't even feel like it helped last time. I feel like there's something more going on and we need more than that to sustain a pregnancy. but I also don't want to wait forever for that damn apt either. time we could potentially get pregnant and maybe get lucky enough for that one to be our THB. the saying "third time's a charm" comes to mind... but that doesn't mean much to someone who's lost 2 babies already  :-/