(cycle 43, day 13)
god help me if someone foolishly thinks a fake prego announcement is a good idea today :-/ I may just rip some heads off... I saw a fake prego announcement a couple days ago and my heart nearly sank out of my chest. I know its no ones fault for why I feel that way when ppl announce, but I can't help it. welcome to live as a bereaved mother :'( which is the first time I've actually referred to myself as that, but that's what I am.
and then yesterday I had to deal with a real announcement : ( my heart once again sank out of my chest. I wasn't really feeling lapped by anyone since we still have a lot of friends who aren't at the ttc stage in their lives, but for some reason, this one really made me feel that way. I think its because of the person it is. I know they had been trying for a long time, longer than us in fact, and had male factor infertility, but that didn't diminish the sting I felt when I saw the announcement. it doesn't help that I don't like the husband cuz he's a jackass all the fucking time and picks on everyone, no one is safe from his poison mouth, and the wife has said a couple hurtful things to me regarding ttc. she was the one who told me "at least you can get pregnant". I wanted to rip her throat out when she said it but I had to remind myself that most ppl don't understand what its like to lose a baby.
being able to get pregnant, imo, is far worse that not being able to. it pains me to say I wish I had never been pregnant at all than to have gone through the hell I did with my MCs, but its true. its a whole new dimension to ttc without success. I think about the chubby cheeks i'll never get pinch, the forehead I'll never get to kiss, the birthdays I never get to celebrate, the milestones I never get to see, the long nights when just don't want to sleep, i'll never get to see the peaceful sight of my sleeping baby in my or my DH's arms. I dream about all of that every damn day and I wish I get to experience any of it, but with the way things are going, I don't feel like I ever will. like i'll forever be a mother without a child to love on. that we're making all these provisions for our future kids that we may never get to have.
a fake prego announcement is enough to send someone who's been trying to have a baby for a while into hysterical crying fits. its not their fault, but I really wish some ppl could walk a mile in an infertile's shoes. this fucking sucks, a lot.
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