where did my naivety go?

(cycle 43, day 15, 1 dpo)

TTC has seriously taken up too much of my life. I cringe thinking about the years that have passed us by. DH wasn't even in his 30's yet when we started TTC (he'll be 33 later this year). this will be my 4th babyless birthday  : (  I'm getting closer to 30 and no closer to a THB (considering I was 24 when we started TTC...). how is that even possible? we're basically still at square one but know that so far, nothing is wrong with us to give us a reason why it takes so damn long or why we're losing what we do get.

I've damn near hit my breaking point. I know I've said that quite often, but this was just a whole new level of breakdown. I'm tired of the push and pull with my emotions each and every cycle. the hope I have during the 2ww until I test early only to see a BFN and then lose all hope. I don't know that I hold much hope in the first half of each cycle like I used to. its more just like a business to me, get it done cuz it needs to be and then be hopeful when I know we've made a good attempt.

my hope this cycle is pretty fucking low. I know there's a chance, but why would a 3rd pregnancy take less time than the first 2? we only have O-4 and O-2 cuz DH ended up falling asleep on O day. I can't fault him. we shouldn't even still be trying. and since I started writing this yesterday, I'm not longer confident on my O day so what we have may not make a fucking difference. my temp at what I thought was 2dpo is the lowest temp this cycle, wtf? I'm hoping it recovers tomoro and the next day so that FF still thinks I Od on cd14 so we still have a chance. if it changes to anything later than that, I may as well call this cycle a wash. I've never O that late after a positive OPK but I didn't have any kind of O cramping, I thought I was starting to feel it before going to bed on cd14, but today, cd16, I might have something similar to O cramping... again, wtf?

I'm really starting to have this strong feeling like we're not going to have kids. that anything we're doing to prepare for future kids is for nothing. getting the protection plan on our new dining table for safeguards against kids getting marker all over a table, spilled grape juice staining the table... we weren't going to get it, but when the sales rep showed us what it covers, I kind of jumped at it because it pretty much safeguards against everything a kid would do to wreck it. but what use is it if we don't even have those hypothetical kids? money wasted, unless DH starts eating at the table and gets sloppy... but seriously, a good portion of why we're doing certain things with the house is so that its better for a family, a family we may never get to have. how depressing is that? I sometimes had these thoughts over the last 2 years, but its become a loud booming voice in my head in the last couple weeks. when I told dh we should get that protection plan cuz kids have a way of ruining things, I also had that voice in the back of my head laughing at me for thinking we'd have those kids. I'm having these huge internal arguments in my head and it makes me want to scream and bawl my eyes out at any given moment.

I've never felt so hopeless and low about TTC. I want to be that naïve girl I once was when we started trying. I knew it could take a while, but I was thinking 18 months, 24 tops. not 40+ and multiple losses on the board along with no rhyme or reason for why.