confession

(cycle 44, day 14)

I'm not 100% sure, but I think last cycle I had a chemical pregnancy. I have no way to really confirm it and its completely possible that the one test that had a line was a false positive. I had tested at 8dpo purely because I have a problem and just can't avoid testing early - "hello, my name is, and I'm a test-acholic" -  especially when I had a massive temp dip and assumed implantation cramps. I didn't see anything in the 5 minutes after taking the test so I put it away and went to my weekly step class and didn't look at it again until later that night, about 3 hours after taking it. to my surprise, I saw a line. at first I thought it was an evap, but the other time I'd seen an evap on my tests, it eventually went away after a few hours. this line was still on that test, even now, almost 3 weeks later (I think I have a problem.... lol). so that makes me think it was in fact a BFP, but that's the only test that had something on it. every test after that was a very stark negative and then my temp dropped and AF showed up on time.

so I don't know what to think. I had super strong feelings that I was in fact pregnant, if even for just a couple days, but I can't explain it, it was just a stronger feeling than the typical hoping to be so badly and convincing yourself. but without any other evidence to support it, I don't know what to make of it. was it positive? was it a false positive? wouldn't AF have at least been a day late if that were the case? so now, I'm worried that if that really was a BFP, that its going to take yet another year to get another one instead of a BFP being just around the corner because I'm getting close to that year of TTC that it seems to take us... WTF do I do with this information? I havent' been able to forget about it, but without anything else, I feel like it was just a fluke test. I guess that's why I don't feel like it was truly a loss because I just assumed the test was faulty so I didn't get any more attached than I do on BFN cycles...

as if TTC could be any more confusing!

the only proof that I may have been a little bit pregnant last cycle
but no way to know without a doubt... *sigh*