hello, jealousy, old friend

(cycle 44, day 10)

I'm so tired of this shitty never ending journey, yet I feel like I have to keep going cuz that's the only way to get what we want. meanwhile, I have to suffer through seeing everyone else, even those who've struggled and I would normally be happy for, get pregnant. my jealousy is at an all time high. in the last month I've found out about 2 pregnancies and a birth in a peripheral group of friends. these are ppl that I probably won't be able to live life without running into them at some point. and its not going to be a case where I can slough off seeing them and make an excuse because feelings will begin to get hurt (even though mine already are even though none of them probably are aware of it and I know its not their fault) because I'm avoiding them like the plague. I can't go all summer without making appearances to certain ppls houses because of the chance I might run into these ppl. I feel forced to be around them and its not fair to me but there's nothing I can think of that I can do.

on another end of this, I'm no longer look forward to bike season and being able to hop on the back of DH's bike and go out on spontaneous dates because I want so badly to not be able to even fit my bike jacket and be growing a baby. I enjoyed hopping on the bike last summer, more than I thought I'd enjoy it, but this year its more of a consolation prize, and I hate that I feel that way.

I've become more snippy towards DH when he mentions so-and-so is pregnant, or really anything mentioning babies, kids, and pregos. I hate that I'm like that now because I think it might be hurting his feelings... but I've got no optimism left, I have a little bit, but its the usual "maybe I'm pregnant!" during the 2ww. I guess that's more hope than it is optimism which are kind of different. but still, it leaves me feeling like I'm hurting him. any time we talk about it, I'm always prefacing anything I say with "if" not "when". when the hell did I become so freaking jaded? I'm usually the one looking at the glass half full...


so here I am, almost in my fertile phase again and I'm hoping there's very few cycles left before a BFP...