(cycle 43, day 21, 7 dpo)
I'm fully aware I must sound bipolar by now with the "I'm giving up, I can't do this anymore" and then turning around and being all "omg, I've got x symptoms, maybe I'm prengnat!". anyone who is ttc or has been for as long as I have will completely understand what its like.
anyway, I wasn't feeling optimistic about this cycle at all given the craziness of my 2ww temps. I had another crazy low temp 2 days ago and had to discard of the temps that was below my coverline just to keep my crosshairs. after todays temp, I was able to un-discard it, so FF and I are still in agreement so far. what is unusual is the amount of temps in the 2ww that are well below the coverline. its only 2, but I've only 6 temps recorded in the 2ww, so proportionately, that's a lot. in particular, I haven't a temp dip this low when its prime time to have an implantation dip... I wasn't charting my BBT with both pregnancies, so I'm not sure what those looked like... as well, I also felt a significant amount of pain incredibly similar to when both babies implanted, it felt like really bad indigestion in my lower ribs. I had that going on all day yesterday and a little bit today as well.
to say my hopes are high now is an understatement. my hopes are so hopelessly high that I completely expect to get a BFN when I do test (though I'm also of course expecting a BFP with the pain and temp dip...) just because that's what would likely happen. both other cycles I got pregnant, I was convinced it would never happen and didn't even think to associate the indigestion type pain with implantation. its probably also because I've now experienced it with 2 out of 2 pregnancies that I just assume that's how it will be with each subsequent pregnancy so I'm acutely tuned to look for that type of cramping. I've had similar feelings in other cycles, but not this significant, it was always just a slight pain that lasted mere minutes, not an entire afternoon and evening. I didn't make assumptions when I had the implantation cramping the first time because I was close to giving up and didn't know what they felt like either. the second time, I felt them, but because we were kinda NTNP and it was our first month kinda trying after taking a 3 month break, I didn't think it would happen that fast so it wasn't on my radar. we're now at 7 cycles since that MC and I haven't quite lost all hope cuz I know we're less than 12 months into trying again after the MC (though I've lost hope that it will ever happen again, buts its a different kind of hope, if that makes any sense) and I know what it now feels like.
i'm trying to wait as long as possible before testing, but its going to be so hard waiting for at least Saturday to come around even though I'd like to wait longer than that. Saturday isnt' really that far and I think I can do it since I don't have many tests at home (I should probably think about buying some name brand tests so I don't have to test twice because I don't have them. its just not real til a name brand test says so) so I don't want to waste them on nothing. only ... 64ish hours til the earliest I want to test... it would be awesome if my temps shot up to make the wait a little more bearable knowing what answer i'll likely get...
Fingers crossed so tightly for you Schelby! I can relate to the 'bi-polar' comment. Honestly, the amount of hardship one goes through with the losses and the length it plays so many mind games on you it isn't even funny. When you get to the stage where you're more used to the BFN and the constant let downs you know it's been a while in the game. Or at least that's how it was for me. I laughed at the word hope, I felt it was mocking me with it's meaning. Luck was something I heard about in fairy tales, that of course wouldn't happen to us. You know our story so you know how the next chapter went. But I want to say I'm with ya girl and feel however you need to feel about this cycle. It's okay to have the excited hope, it's also okay to have none at all.
ReplyDeleteFor each of our pregnancies I felt it was going to happen before ovulation even happened. Indescribable and likely sounds very idiotic but it was an unmistakable positive energy that surrounded me. As you are well aware of that kind of a feeling are few and far between so it was a hard thing to forget.
If this isn't your cycle you know who you can turn to. Either way this turns out I know you'll keep fighting because that's what you've proven to do time and time again. Even superheros need a day to let down their shield. You're an inspiration girly and your fight is admirable. If the time comes where you need to let down that shield you got me and plenty others who are rooting for you to go to.
I'll leave you with this quote. I know you'll get where I'm coming from when I post it. To others reading I promise it's not insensitive, it's a quote that helped keep me going and keep my head up.
“I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.” How true are these words for women like us? Especially the first bit. It hasn't been easy and at times I wished it were. When many would have given up you still trudge on. It's not easy, it's painful as hell in so many ways. But you show day in and out your drive, your spirit, your heart, love and most of all your humanity. You let us all get a glimpse of your life without hesitation you share what can be very hard to share and at times admit.
Keep on going hun. I know it's hard and I know that light at the end of the tunnel sometimes fades and gets further. But know I'm here to support ya!
I don't find the quote insensitive at all and I wish I remembered it more often. just this morning I was thinking that I need ppl to keep me accountable when we do get to have a kid that if I ever have one of those days where I'm struggling to tell me to take a step back, breathe and remember what it took to get that miracle. I obviously don't know if that would actually work in real life since I've never had those kinds of days since I'm still childless... but I try to remember something similar when dealing with my dog :P that she's a dog, not a human and she's only here for a short time so I had better cherish my time with her. and only spend a few seconds mad at her in the moment. I would like to think I would react the same way with a child...
Deletettc is one huge mind game after another, it really is. and the longer you've been trying the worse they get.