surrounding mothers day

(cycle 44, day 29, 9 dpo)

this might be a bit of a long, jumbled and rambly post, so bear with me.

I wasn't completely dreading mothers day this year, but its probably because I knew I would be far too busy to even give any thought to it, and I was bus-ay! I also made an effort to avoid my triggers, like grocery shopping during the busiest time of the day and seeing bunch of ppl buying flowers for their wives/mothers, I also removed FB from my phone so it wasn't as easy for me to log in and see all the mother praising posted all over my news feed.

Friday i was busy finishing the underlay in the addition to bring the floor up to the same height as the existing house.
Saturday i started by getting up early and priming the walk-in-closet followed by a mothers day breakfast with my mom, DH, my sister and BIL, which we decided to do Saturday so we avoided the rush of mothers day in restaurants, which worked out perfectly as it wasn't busy at all. after breakfast, my mom and i went to the greenhouse to pick out her hanging basket i buy her every year and so i could pick out a couple new flowers for my garden since deciding i would plant veggies in a container instead (which i havent' started yet) and had left some space in my garden for veggies so i wanted to fill it out. once i got home from that, i was off to a presentation put on by a fire fighter from Winnipeg about "surviving survival", surviving life after your worst fear about being a fire fighter happens (a standard structure fire suddenly going wrong and losing a couple guys and a few guys being hurt/burned). i knew it would be a bit hard for me cuz it is one of the things i worry about with DH being on the department. i went home after to plant my new flowers and then went to the supper the fire dept provided after the presentation. finally got around to painting the first coat of white paint in the closet and the back of the niche and then spent about 30 mintues with HayHay before leaving again to see "Neighbors" at the theatre with a bunch of others from the fire dept.
after the movie and getting home is when the reality of mothers day hit me like a ton of bricks. i was consumed with grief knowing this should have been my second, or even my first mothers day to a baby. it made for a shitty rest of my night, which wasn't long since by the time i got home from the movie was 11:30.
Sunday i was back to being busy. first on my agenda was the second coat of white paint, after that i got started on laying the laminate for the computer nook so that i finished on a full row instead of having to rip any in half or anything by waiting to put it in after the carpet was installed. it took me while to get a rhythm going and wrecked 2 boards in the process until DH tried putting a piece in place and me realizing that the boards in the same row didn't have a little groove to go into the piece on the floor next to it and could be lined up right next to it and then dropped down, there was only a little groove on the long joints, so after that, it went much smoother and i only ruined one board after that by cutting it too short, not by accidentally taking off the fragile particle board lip on the tongue of the boards (i know that's probably totally confusing to those that have never laid laminate). i only got about half done before going over to my grandparents for the big family mothers day dinner cuz they did it in the middle of the day cuz others had commitments later on. i didn't stay long, just long enough for dessert and then it was back to the house to finish the small laminate floor (at least now, if we ever do more laminate in the house, i'll know what to do). once that was done, i sanded the last 2 walls in the stairwell that weren't painted (cuz they're the same colour as the living room, so I'm waiting til i paint the window patching to paint those walls and do it all at once) and got DH to prime them for me while i made my grocery list. did groceries, ate and went to bed. we were finally ready for carpet and I made it through mothers day. when we were cudding in bed, that's when DH finally told me "happy mothers day"  <3

I'm still sad for us and that it was another parent holiday that we still don't get to enjoy and just sit and watch everyone else revel in it.

I also experienced a first yesterday, the first person to go out of their way to tell me personally about their pregnancy because they knew I was struggling and wanted to make sure I didn't hear it from someone else. I can't even express in words my gratitude towards this person for doing that and because they did this incredibly kind gesture, I feel like i'll be able to watch their pregnancy proceed without hatred towards them (not that I hate others, I just can't stomach to see their pregnancies because its a big reminder of what we're going through and what we're missing out on). of course I'm still dying on the inside, but I'm genuinely happy for her, which is rare for me and there is a small handful of women that I feel that way for.

because of this friend being pregnant and DH knowing how much I hurt when I find out about others' pregnancies, he's finally decided we need to seek help. thank god I won't have to feel like I'm twisting his arm to make this step! I've been waiting for him to jump on the bandwagon for a very long time. I realize that its probably his way of fixing my broken heart, but I'm so glad he's ready for this. we'll probably wait til we've slowed down a bit on the house (only the shower is left for big projects) and relax a little before we start the craziness of infertility testing and hopefully treatment. though hopefully we're blessed before then, like now would be awesome (not testing til Thursday or Friday), so we don't have to go through all that craziness.