here we are again

(cycle 45, day 11)

because of the unpredictable nature of my last few cycles I have no idea when I'm going to O. I don't want this cycle to turn into what last cycle was and have BDing becoming incredibly difficult to pull off because of O being delayed by a week and burning out. but I also don't want to wait until a positive OPK to start BDing because I don't want to run the chance of BDing not happening when it needs to by putting it off til a positive OPK. but I also don't want to burn ourselves out too early if I O later. I wish I knew more than a day or two before O that I was going to O. it would make it so much easier. knowing 4 days before a positive OPK would be so much more helpful in my situation.

though thankfully last cycle saw a return of the previously elusive ewcm so maybe i'll get that same sign this cycle? I think I might since I'm already seeing a drastic improvement in the cm department over the last 4-5 cycles, so maybe i'll O on a more normal schedule this cycle. but who knows til I get that positive OPK. my cm is nearly watery/ewcm in texture, so maybe i'll catch a break this cycle and O will happen sooner than last month. we'll see I guess.

though I am still dreading a bfp this cycle because of the same timing as the last pregnancy and deja vu happening all over again if we suffer the same fate and have another MC. obviously I would hope to god that I could replace the bad memories with good ones, but if not, summer will forever be a sad time for me cuz that would be 2 years in a row. but this is all hypothetical cuz I would have to actually get pregnant for any of that to happen, which let's face it, the cards aren't in my favor.

just please let me get pregnant in the next 2 cycles so I can better deal with seeing DH's cousin's baby.... ugh.


apparently I'm pretty good at jinxing myself  : P  already a few hours after posting this I had some ewcm, lol. so I guess this cycle will be more on the 'normal' side... guess we better get BDing since we haven't done that since before Oing last cycle  : /