hopes dashed already

(cycle 48, day 22, 6 dpo)

I'm not even half way through the 2ww and I've already lost hope  :-/ 

both pregnancies I had significant cramping pretty early, like 5 or 6 dpo that lasted a few hours and I totally mistook for indigestion. the suspected chemical pregnancy I had the same cramping around the same time and had a pretty decent temp drop that day as well. so far this cycle? nothing.

I was really hoping clomid would maybe be what we needed, but if it doesn't work this cycle, I have one more cycle and I doubt we'll have much of a shot that cycle cuz DH is busy every night we'll have to BD. he's got golf on Tuesdays (though I don't know how many more weeks he has, it might be over by then), hockey Wednesday night, and fire practice Thursday night (which they go out afterwards and he's never home before midnight)  : (  if one cycle of clomid doesn't help, what's another going to do? i feel completely failed by my body. wtf is it going to take to get and stay pregnant?!?!

DH still hasn't gone to get his SA done and that's holding up our referral. they want all our testing done before they'll send in the referral, and so far DH hasn't had a chance to take 2 hours off work in the middle of the day because of how many holidays he'd been taking and now that he could, someone else is on holidays so he might not be able to get out this cycle either. its going to be October by the time he goes in  : (  at that rate, we won't be getting to the RE til next spring! and god knows how long it will be before we get answers that lead to getting help once we get in there. we might just get a general apt at first and then have to get yet more testing and more waiting to find out what's wrong with us. i might be ready to give up entirely before then.

the last 2 pregnancies happened in about 11-12 cycles where there was at least some chance. I'm at 12 right now... i hope that suspected chemical didn't totally screw this up and body won't even consider getting pregnant for a few more cycles by kind of resetting the timing. i basically assume its going to take 11-12 trying cycles to get pregnant every time, so that chemical might have totally thrown it off because it happened in 7 cycles of trying, so I'd be at 5 right now if it did reset my body  : (