could be better, but doing okay

(cycle 16, day 10)

yes, that wretched bitch showed up, again.

i was so hopeful because my chart looked very different from my other cycles and i had a test that i thought was positive (even though it showed up later, the brand doesn't often give evap lines). but alas, my hopes were for not.

i finally got a chance to tell dh about what my doc recommended for the next 6 months before doing any testing. he seemed to respond well to it, but i don't know what he's thinking in his head. i'm hoping he'll start picking up the slack soon, but i'm not so sure. he said he was going to cutback on alcohol and caffeine, but i have yet to see him do this... he's also still pretty clueless about everything and i had to give him yet another biology lesson after he told me the chances of getting pregnant each month is 11% and the best day to BD is the day before ovulation  : S correction hubby, its actually 20% for healthy couples and the best time to BD is during the 4-5 day prior to O and the day of. so i clearly pointed out to him when we needed to start BDing so there was no mistaking the date and that we will have to continue every other day until a couple days after i get a positive OPK. i've given up temping this cycle even though i've thought about going back to it since i didn't find it stressful until it came close to when AF was due. we'll see how stressed i am without it, lol.

So i'm hoping for the best this month, but the due date would kind of suck with all the other family birthdays around that time, at this point however, i really don't care anymore and i just to get pregnant. if it doesn't happen this month, i'll be making sure he cuts back on his beer and java and hoping that makes a difference. I hope to god that we get pregnant before we start building the addition because at that point, i might as well write it off from happening for a few months because he'll be far too busy to give that kind of attention and he probably won't want to go through the testing at that point either...

last weeks doctor appt

(cycle 15, day 23, 9dpo)

i didn't exactly get the response i was hoping for from doc, but it also wasn't surprising.

she remarked that since we were passed the year mark of TTC that we could go for testing, but she would like us to try for another 6 months given that we haven't been regularly BDing and she thinks that will do the trick. if we want to go ahead with the testing, we can, but she'd rather not since the way she put it "they tell what to do and when to do it" and basically takes the fun out of BDing. so if we go ahead with testing, that means blood tests for both of us (not something i ever look forward given i hate needles and tense up like mad when i do have to have them) and a sperm analysis for DH in the city (which means him having to take time off work). not sure we want to go this route, but i haven't had a chance to talk to him about everything my doc said since he's been pretty busy doing other shit and hasn't even asked about it (yes, i'm slightly bitter at the moment at the lack of attention i get from him lately).

so other than discussing our options, she also recommended that i stop tracking everything and just de-stress about everything TTC. which coming from a doctor is a little weird and totally pissed me off cuz that's just not what you say to someone who's been trying for so long (even though their DH hasn't been). you can't just stop tracking and turn your brain off after you know so much already. how do you train yourself not to count cycle days? and if anything, half the reason i do any tracking is so that i'm not surprised by the arrival of AF but above all else, i ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATE getting surprised by her and not being prepared and have a mess to deal with. knowing exactly when i O gives me peace of mind and means i'm more than prepared and have taken precautionary measures to avoid said mess. then i cried in her office which to her translated into being stressed and an even bigger reason to stop tracking and just be care free for the next 6 months and pretty much prescribed regular BDing every week for those next 6 months. i honestly don't see that happening and i'm totally prepared to tell DH that if he has an issue with that, then he better figure out how to fix it even if that means seeing a doctor. afterall, they're doctor's orders  : P

i also got a chance to ask her about continuing jogging when i finally do end up pregnant and she said it was fine as long as i keep my core temp down and can still maintain a conversation while doing so. i was happy about that because i've heard that some docs don't want you to continue such a strenuous excercise, but since i'm not introducing anything new, it's totally fine.

so i guess that's about all that can be said about the appointment and i hope i can get pregnant very soon because i sure don't want to have to put more stress on DH by having to go ahead with testing...

update on life :)

(cycle 15, day 15, 1dpo)


same clothes from our holiday in NB, 3 months later



weight loss

i've lost almost 15lbs in the 3 months i've been doing weight watchers! i'm so proud of myself. i've tried doing it on my own before, but never with this kind of success. it really helps feeling accountable for what i put in my mouth and then having other people know how i'm doing. i feel like i've let someone down if i don't lose anything and thankfully i haven't gained more than 0.2 in one week (and that was only once!). i've also been documenting my weight loss with pictures every couple weeks so that i can see the visual difference it is making. its crazy comparing the difference from this summer to now. my clothes are much looser if not falling off of me now. it feels great!

around the house

we thankfully haven't been doing any projects around the house and won't be until the big addition in the spring. it's nice to not be in a constant state of construction, i just wish we could finish tidying up around the house so i didn't feel like are always living in chaos. but we did put up christmas lights on the house! i was so excited to get that done. its been 13 years since i've lived in a house with christmas lights outside. my mom had things hanging in the windows, but its just not the same, lol. i also bought a new christmas tree this year because they were half price (black friday pricing) and we were thinking of replacing our flimsy one anyway. would you believe that almost every single tree sold is now prelit? blasphemy! half the fun of putting up the tree is dressing it, lights and all! i'm not ready to give up putting on the lights myself, lol. so of course i bought the only model that wasn't prelit and was taller than 4 feet  : ) i can't wait to put up the tree this year, and i'll probably put it up way earlier than i normally do, like this coming weekend instead of only a week before.

TTC

i'm still in a bit of a funk about last cycle and its making it hard to imagine myself ever seeing a positive test or having any confidence that we were successful this cycle. its just getting harder to deal with it taking so long. for the first time this cycle i had true EWCM starting on cd10 but i assumed it was a fluke and waited until cd12 to start BDing like we planned. it may have been the wrong thing to do since i O'd one day earlier than the last cycle yet again. i'm really hoping that if i go through another cycle, that trend doesn't continue... but i'll be testing on december 7th at 10dpo (unless i just can't help myself and end up testing early, but i'd really like to be able to have more self control than that). only 9 more days of torturous waiting..........

random

there's one more thing i want to update, but i didn't want to make a specific topic for (even though i guess this pretty much qualifies as a seperate topic : / ). and i guess a picture pretty much sums it up:

i got my hair did!
don't mind the phone pic, i'll eventually have a ton more pics that are better ;)

Missing My Dad :'(

(cycle 15, day 4)

seeing a picture of my dad with my step-mom and her first grandchild yesterday made me a little sad that we don't live closer together and don't talk as often. it also made me a little sad that i haven't been able to give my dad his first grandchild. I've been looking forward for too long for the phone call i get to make when we do get to tell them we're pregnant. I can't want to be able to tell my dad that he'll be a "pepere" on x day. i can't wait for them to come visit us after the baby is born when he will finally get to meet his grandchild. for now it remains a dream because of the hand we've been dealt in the TTC department, but i still can't wait for that day to happen.



My dad and I on our Wedding day



Feeling Lost...

(cycle 14, day 28, 13dpo)  (cycle 15, day 1)

warning that this post contains a lot of raw emotions and some details that i probably shoudln't even be sharing via the internet, but i need somewhere where i can just spew everything i'm feeling at this current point in time.....

pretty sure we've failed yet another cycle. i have far too many feelings on the topic and this could turn into a novel very quickly.

my temps have been dropping the last 2 days so AF is expected today or by first thing tomoro morning. i was getting excited because i was beginning to think that this was actually going to happen and i would be pregnant since i had a very low temp in the time period that could potentially be implantation and then my temps went back up. i had 3 negative pregnancy tests but i still had hope that it was just too early to show up and that it would be a couple days later, then the dropped temps. i didn't bother testing at that point since that's always how it goes, it just happened a day later than normal (hence being more positve than other cycles by 11dpo).

so now i get to have the uncomfortable conversation with my doc about what to do to try to speed up the process. i just don't want to be told that we have to BD more because that's our biggest problem right now due to DH's low sex drive (tmi i'm sure, but i really need to get this off my chest since i don't have friends that i can openly talk to about this who understand what it's like to still be trying after more than a year). i'm hoping there's something she can give me without dh having to go to the doctor to talk about it because if that's what has to happen i might as well start accepting life without kids because a doctor is the last person he would go to even if it would help us along.

on top of not being pregnant yet, i've been reminding dh to make an appt to get his hernia looked at more closely so that he can get it taken care of and take some much needed time off without taking stress leave. but now i have to worry about him getting surgery before my fertile week next cycle and then sabotaging that cycle altogether and possibly the next cycle after that and not being able to even try until the new year.

i hate that i have to even think about any of this. i hate that i'm not pregnant yet. i hate that its taking this long. i hate that i feel like my husband doesn't even care. i hate that he won't talk to me if he is getting worried that it is taking so long. i hate this whole process and it makes me want to only have one child (if we get that far) because i don't want to go through this again to have a second child.

I've Stalled Out

(cycle 14, day 7)

its taking me a lot longer to finish my couch to 5k program, but i'm okay with that. i have to admit i was skeptical of being able to jog 20 minutes straight after just 5 weeks. i stalled out at week 5 day 1... i tried day 2, but jogging for 8 minutes nearly killed me! lol. i did it, but i felt like my legs were turning to jelly and were going to give out at any second and i was breathing like i was fighting for air. needless to say i haven't attempted that one again and probably won't for a while. for now i'm just working on jogging faster (i did my personal best last night at 6.4km/hr, i was pretty stoked!) and when i feel like 5 minutes is no longer a struggle or effort, i'll continue onto day 2 again. i don't think it will be too much longer, but the weather may stop me before i get to it. i bought myself a good running jacket for cooler weather, but i'm not sure how much colder i can handle : / so far i'm comfortable around the zero degree mark but when i walked outside this morning on my way to work, i was a little shocked by the -7 temp, haha. i'll have to try out more of the features on the new coat to see how much colder i can go before i have to give up jogging until the spring... or i'll have to take advantage of my moms treadmill for the winter...

On The Up Side....

i fit into an old pair of jeans from over 6 months ago!



what? i was proud of my accomplishment ;)

on down down side, AF showed up yesterday so i'm now on cycle 14 of TTC  :'(  ....

i'm trying to stay positive though so i'm jumping right back in. i also booked a physical with my doc for the middle of the next cycle so if this is our lucky month, i'll change it to a prenatal appointment and i'll be 5-6 weeks along, or i'll be able to talk to her about our options, and hope she doesn't dismiss me completely because of our lack of BDing....

other positives about not being pregnant yet:

• i can drink when we go Vegas in 2 weeks
• i can continue to lose weight and possibly make my first goal of losing 10%, and in turn be at an even healthier started weight for pregnancy
• i'll have better stamina for jogging/running because i can continue to do it and it will be a lot easier to continue while pregnant
• my tummy should still be able to fit in my winter coat instead of having to make due or buy a new one before the end of winter if i do get pregnant soon
• the due date for the next 2 cycles don't fall in the middle of a busy time with lots of family birthdays and holidays (like may-mid july or september-thanksgiving)

but all those positives don't help the fact that i'm completely bummed that i don't have a baby in my arms let alone my tummy yet. its hard doing this month in and month out when you want something so badly.... guess i'll just enjoy wearing old jeans for now  ; )

10 pounds!

(cycle 13, day 25, 9dpo)

so far weight watchers is totally working for me. although i must admit that today was a little hard to stick to my points... i just wanted to eat massive amounts of candy! i'm guessing that urge has to do with the point i'm in in my cycle, so i'm hoping it goes away and i can be happy continuing avoiding all that candy and junkfood like i have been for the last 6 weeks. i've lost 10.2lbs in the 6 weeks i've been on the plan but i haven't been doing any activity until the last 2 weeks so i'm sure i should start losing more in the coming weeks  : ) with those 10lbs, i've also lost an entire pant size! that feels amazing. i've shrunk out of a pair of jeans that i just bought 4 months ago because i was running out jeans that fit. now they're super baggy and unflattering. i'm also fitting back into some shorts that i couldn't wear over the summer which feels even better. at my weigh in on wednesday, i was even able to do up my belt an extra notch, yay!

i'm also back to my "couch to 5k" program since i took a hiatus for new brunswick and then the bathroom reno. i jumped right back into week 3 when i picked it up again! it was nice to know that i didn't have to start from the beginning again. i've now started week 5 and it was a lot easier than i thought it would be which is nice. i'm hoping to be at week 8 by november, but i'm not sure how the weather will affect that. i've also decided that i'm going to find a good zumba dvd or nintendo game and do that over the winter so i have a good variety of workout dvd's/games to choose from.


on my other quest, pregnancy, i'm still not sure how i feel about this cycle. one minute i'm convinced we failed and fully expect AF to show up on tuesday/wednesday like she should, but then the other minute all i want to do is test early because i'm convinced it's going to be positive. i'm at a crossroads. confused and really not sure what to think and what to do. i'm trying desperately to hold out until at least sunday to test, but depending on tomoro, i don't know if i'll have the willpower. i guess we shall see.......

Finished Bathroom Pics!

(cycle 13, day 22, 6 dpo)

just thought i'd post an update since i don't post as often anymore.

our bathroom is finally finished! i love it! granted we argued a lot in the process, but thank god we're done. we spend a lot of time on it, almost 3 extra weeks, but the results are awesome : )

after that experience, i think one of us has to take a back seat when we get to building our addition in the spring. that person will probably be me since i would rather hire a contractor to help with scheduling everything and getting things done that we can't do ourselves, but dh would rather do it himself (even though i'm pretty sure its just going to end up like the bathroom: the bane of his existence until its done). so all i plan on doing is the plans and painting. otherwise, i'm hands off, completely. and hopefully i'll have other things to focus my time on like planning for a baby. i'd even consider living at my moms or grandparents while the house is under construction so i'm not in the way and if i'm not involved, we can't argue about anything. i think our marriage needs that.

in other updates, i'm still feeling meh about our chances of conceiving this month. i know we timed it right, but we've done that for 2 months and so far nothing has come from it. i have discovered that my temps start dipping at 11dpo so from now on, i'm not testing until that point after i take my temp and look at my chart. if its down, no testing until i'm late and if it's up, i'll test early. it seemed to be consistent the last 3 cycles but my luck it will throw me for a loop and i won't be able to count on it : /

meh

(cycle 13, day 15)

i'm not overly optimistic, but i feel like i have to be. i'll be surprised if we end up with good chances this month of getting pregnant. i got what i think is a positive OPK today which historically means i'm going to O tomoro. i'm not ready to O yet to be honest. i was kind of hoping i wouldn't until cd18 but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. i'm going to have to get creative if i'm going to get dh in the sack to bd at least once more before i infact O (something i haven't been overly successful at).

everyone around seems like their pregnant right now. ppl close to me aren't, but in my virtual world of the internet, practically everyone is. the one really hurt hearing about is my 15 year old cousin. it wasn't expected and she didn't find out until she was at least 4 months along. i'm a little surprised that she ended up pregnant because of her upbringing, i would think that would be the last thing she would want, but she's happy, so i'm happy for her. i'd be lying though if i didn't say the thought of adopting her baby hadn't crossed my mind, as wrong as it is to even think about that : (

so hopefully we can get it done this month. i just want to be onto the next phase of preparing for the baby that's growing iside me. i want to plan the nursery and buy things here and there that our baby will use. i've avoided doing any of that or even any kind of window shopping so i don't get my hopes up and stare at un-used baby items forever. i want it be my turn. please?

if this doesn't happen to be our month, i am actually going to call my doc to see if there is anything we/i can do to help this along. i'll probably beg dh to come with me so we can both talk to her (even though i'm sure he won't because he won't talk to anyone about any of this).... i'm incredibly frustrated with all of this.

7 LBS!!!

can i just say i love weight watchers? or at least so far anyway. i might not like it so much when my weight stalls out and i stop losing on dieting alone. but for now, i'm liking it and i'm liking the system. i'm not feeling like i'm depriving myself of treats or other foods i would love to eat. i'm also getting better with self-control, not great, but getting better. i still have some of the foods i shouldn't and when we go out, i'm still eating most of what's on my plate instead of only eating an actual portion or only eating enough to sustain myself and not stuff myself, so i have to work on that. i also have to start getting more activity into my routine. it doesn't help that we've been in reno mode for the last 3 weeks, but it will definately be dying down in the next few days where i might actually be able to get a walk in some nights. i think i'm going to try to find a zumba dvd and maybe i'll start trying to do that in the morning since it will be more fun that any of the other workout dvds that i have. i'll at least give it a try.

but so far, i've lost 7lbs! 5% of my starting weight! i've very happy about that since i did it in 4 weeks and didn't do much in the way of 'working out'. the last week my loss wasn't much, but a loss none the less. i'm sure if i start being active, it will come off easier and i would think i would be able to lose another 7lbs (10% of my starting weight) by Halloween and be down to 145lbs. a weight i haven't been since before mexico. more of my clothes should fit me which would be nice since in the last 6 months i've outgrown (more like outweighed) all of my shorts/skirts for summer and had to buy 2 new ones just to try to last through this season. it sure didn't help my confidence when that happened. i also grew out of some of my favorite pants so i'm really hoping that i'll be back in them for the winter and the only reason i'd have to buy new ones would be to fit a growing baby belly (that i will hopefully get soon).

ideally i would love to be back down to 120 but realistically i want to be 130 like last year for our wedding, but i'm really hoping i get pregnant before that. but the longer it takes to get pregnant, the healthier i'll be and i'll be at a healthier starting weight for pregnancy. kind of a catch 22. as much as i would love to be pregnant, i would also love to lose all the weight i've put on.

its getting too frustrating

(cycle 13, day 1)

can i be totally honest and say that i'm VERY close to giving up TTC? this past cycle i basically just went through the motions without even getting upset about any part of it. heck, i nearly forgot to even use my OPKs this month (which i'm pretty sure is the reason i didn't get a distinct + on them because i tested 5 hours later than i did the day i got a + the first month i used them). i was diligent about taking my temps, but i never obsessed over them or my chart, so that is definately not the stressful part of TTC. for me, the most stressful part is BD timing. we rarely get it right. 4/12 months we had low chances, 6/12 the chances were non-existant and 2/12 (the last 2) we had 'good' chances, which are also the months i've used OPKs.

i think the stress of getting the bathroom reno done played a part this cycle. its the reason i nearly forgot to use the OPKs, too busy working and not thinking about testing until much later in the day. i'm hoping that since we should hopefully have the bathroom done this week that we can go back to being less stressed and maybe, just maybe, next cycle we'll get it right...

i have high hopes, but at the same time, i don't have hope. one good thing about it taking so long to happen is that its less likely that i'll be giving birth right in the middle of our anticipated addition so our lives won't be more chaotic than it already will be. but on the other hand, i'm not getting any younger and my yearning for a child is getting worse and it breaks my heart even more when i think about us still being childless after a year off the pill. its getting to where our kids will be so much younger than anyone elses, they'll have no one to play with when we do eventually have our own.

why can't i have the one thing i want most? why does this have to be so damned hard to make happen? why do some girls get it easy and not others? why can't it just be a one-man operation?

i'm so lost.... and angry.... and sad at our misfortune.... i don't know if i'll be able to go another month after this one.... i think i'll be done putting in effort after this cycle.... i'm done trying....
ITS. JUST. TOO. HARD.

I'm Back!

(cycle 12, day 26, 9 dpo)

not that i went anywhere the last 2 weeks, but i've been incredibly busy and my computer shit the bed last week so i haven't had internet on it for a week. but i'm back at it now : )

weight watchers is going really well. its a lot easier than i thought it would be to follow the system. i'm not depriving myself of treats, but i'm definately thinking twice before eating something i shouldn't be eating, lol. so far i've lost 5.6lbs and it feels great! i'm sure the last week could've been better if i didn't have 3 pieces of pizza on friday and high sodium soups at the beginning of this week, but i'm still happy with my progress and i think i'll be trying to stick to this for a long time to come. i will have to change it when i get pregnant since you can't be a member for that time period, but i'll still follow the guidelines like eating more fruit/veggies and drinking lots of water. however, i do think it will be easier to lose the baby weight afterwards.

dh has quit smoking for an entire week! i'm so proud of him. unfortunately we've gotten into quite a few arguments and tense moments while working on the bathroom, so his angry outbursts aren't necessarily because of the meds he's on since when he's doing home repairs and things don't go the way he wants, those outbursts happen anyway. outside of anything to do with that room, he's pleasant to be around. which is a nice change compared to the last time he quit...

the bathroom is going well, well really slowly. i was hoping to be done already, but no such luck. doesn't help that we haven't had a tub surround to put up (which is now 10 days late from the date of expected delivery) so we've been able to work slowly since pretty much everything in that room takes 3 times longer than we anticipated. i'm finally going to be able to paint tonight after hoping i would've been painting last week before we even started the bathroom. painting should be done on saturday afternoon and we can FINALLY put everything back together that night or sunday morning. i'll be so happy to shower at home again!

on the baby front, this month has been less stressful since my mind has been busy elsewhere (the bathroom). we didn't BD much this month (only twice while i was fertile) so i don't have high hopes of this being our month. i haven't been obsessing over my chart or doing any symptom hunting which is a nice change of pace. however, as i get closer to the day i expect AF to show up, i've been getting more analytical about my temps. this morning i had a temp drop. i typically don't have temp drops at 9dpo... leaves me wondering if its actually an implantation dip... to be honest, i was a little bummed when i didn't see a drop at 7 or 8 dpo, but in the back of my head, i know that it can happen anywhere between 7-10 dpo and today falls in that range. i can only hope my temps go up from today and i get a BFP on sunday (the awesome group of girls i met on MH have formed their own group because of some privacy issues with FB. there's a group of us, like 5+ girls, that are at the same point in our 2ww so we're all testing on sunday) when i'll be 12dpo. i would think if i get a BFN that this cycle was a bust and i will fully expect AF to show up on monday. obviously i'm hoping for a BFP, but i already said i don't have much hope this month.

changes

(cycle 12, day 13)

things are changing around our household! dh set his 'quit smoking' date for next thursday (the day after his 30th bday), i joined weight watchers and our upstairs bathroom is getting a major overhaul.

hubby's quit smoking campaign
i'm so proud that he's finally decided to kick the habit after two previous unsuccessful attempts since we've been together. what really pushed him to quit was knowing his dad had quit a month prior to the family reunion. dh is usually the only smoker: he was the only one at the reunion, he's the only one on the fire dept, one of two that smoke at his shop, possibly the only one out of the guys he plays hockey with... it just makes sense for him to quit. plus it will save him quite a bit of money each month (which he will now be putting away so he can buy this motorcycle that he really wants, lol).
he's already seen the doc to get the same prescription his dad took and i'm making sure he eats like he's supposed to when taking it and i have to watch out for any side effects he might experience. so now he's started the meds and will be quitting in his second week (as recommended) and will continue them until he's confident enough to go without them.
again, i'm extremely proud that he's finally taken this step and maybe this is what we need to finally get pregnant!

my joining weight watchers
i finally decided to do something about the extra weight i've put on since our wedding last year. 'newlywed nine' my ass! in the past year, i've gained 30lbs. that's 5lbs per month! no wonder none of my shorts from last year didn't fit me this summer : ( i've been surviving the hotter days in 2 pairs of shorts and sundresses. its really depressing to think i've gained that much.
so a friend encouraged me to join and i finally did this past week. it's a little difficult getting used to counting points for everything i eat and making sure i eat what i should be eating and not just all the junk i want to eat. i've signed up for the minimum that i need to sign up for at first, but unfortunately there's a disclaimer that pregnant women can't participate and you're ineligible for weight watchers in that circumstance. its a little saddening, but i understand it. though i still plan to follow it when the time comes, but make sure i'm eating enough to sustain a pregnancy, but follow the basics and the foods i should be eating, not the junk i love to eat.
my ultimate goal would be to lose 40lbs, but for now my goal would be to lose 20 just so i can at least fit into more of my clothes again. they recommend you start with working to lose 5% of your current weight first (for me that's 7lbs) and then work on 10% (15lbs for me). i'm not sure how close i'll get to either of those, but anything lost is good for me pre-pregnancy. if it takes longer for me to get pregnant, that just means i can lose more so i'm at a healthier starting weight when it happens and i'll have less to lose post-pregnancy to reach my ultimate goal (which i will be rejoining post-pregnancy because i don't think i could do it on my own without someone/thing keeping me accountable).

bathroom overhaul
we're finally getting around to renovating our main bathroom. it's going to be a long week in construction mode on a room we use so often, but it will all be worth it when its done.
   we're doing:
   - new drywall
   - tile floor
   - new vanity and countertop
   - new tub suround
   - paint
   - new quieter fan
   - new mirror
we've already bought all of our supplies so that we don't have to waste time going to the store 10 times each day, its all sitting in our spare room. tonight we're starting with the demo and fixing up the electrical and plumbing. tomoro will be drywalling and first coat of mud, possibly lay the membrane for the tiles. each day after will be a coat of mud until i can paint, then it will be a coat of paint each day til its done. the tiles will hopefully go in on sunday so that they can be grouted and sealed on monday/tuesday. i'm hoping the tub surround can go in on tuesday so we can stop borrowing showers from our neighbours, lol. so by next thursday/friday we'll have a new finished bathroom that hopefully looks amazing!

Mexican Vacation (a little late, okay a lot, but at least its done, right?)

So I’m finally getting around to posting about our Mexican vacation, only 4 months late, but at least I did it. Granted I felt like I had to do this one before I could post about the family reunion in New Brunswick last week….

Mexico was amazing! We're already planning on going back in two years when we both have 3 weeks of holidays so we can take a week and go back and then the other 2 weeks and go to Ontario, haha.

As much as early flights are annoying, it's nice to get to your destination early in the day so you can enjoy it that same day and not just go straight to bed  ; ) We barely got any sleep the night before. I finally went to be bed at 1:00am after I was sure I had everything and did a few other last minute things around the house. Hubby finally came to bed at 2:00am just so he could cuddle in bed with HayHay who was going to miss the heck out of us for a week (at least we like to think she missed us that much) and then an hour later, the alarm went off.

view of the resort after checking
in at the front desk
behind the bridge is the swim up bar we spent a lot of time at

The flight went well and we were even early getting to the Cancun airport, yay! I forgot just how hot and humid Mexico is and the second you get passed the plane door it nearly hits you like a brick wall. We got our bags and changed into shorts before finding our bus to the resort. We got to the resort a little early too and got to check-in and a bellboy took us to our room. He even took us the long way around to our room to show us more of the resort. It was a good thing we had him because we probably would've taken forever to find it on our own. Felt bad for the guy lugging 3 bags that far and then up the stairs to our room in that heat.



our balcony 'jacuzzi'



What a room it was! We were so glad we upgraded to the priveledged suites. It was nice to have all this space after being in a hotel room in San Diego for 5 days. We had a seperate bedroom from a living room and 2 doors into the very large bathroom. The bathroom had double sinks (hubby was happy about that but I felt we didn't really need it since we almost never used them at the same time anyway...), separate toilet (I really liked that so I could still use the rest of it while he was in there, lol), and separate shower. Could've used more light in there when he was shaving and I was putting on makeup, but still a huge improvement on our tiny bathroom at home. On the balcony there was a huge soaker tub that easily fit the two of us side-by-side. It took forever to fill and didn't have jets (which he was bummed about but I still took advantage of having that big tub) so it wasn't quite the 'jacuzzi' we were looking forward to but still a great bonus with the upgrade.

 

Day 1

After getting to our room and unpacking, we promptly put on our swim suits, ate at the snack bar and hit the beach. A little rocky, but it wasn't so bad that you had to worry about slicing your foot open (wouldn't that be fun??). After floating in the water (which is increadibly salty and yet another thing I forget when I travel) we got drinks at the bar and talked to a couple who was on the same flight as us and actually live not too far from us here in Alberta. We spent the afternoon drinking at the beach bar and then the resort had a dinner for us (well the tour company we came with). It was delicious and quite the spread. At the end of the night we went back to our room, filled the tub and relaxed. A nice way to end our first day.

the towel animal on our
6th night

Day 2

Plan for the day: relax! Of course that was after we had breakfast and attended the welcome seminar. Breakfast was probably my favorite meal of the day down there. The first day I started with a couple little things but of course got my omelet, lol. Sean didn’t get one, opting for some other things, but wanted to try mine when he saw it. Needless to say, that’s what he had every morning for the rest of the trip, haha. I ended up having french toast most mornings with fresh fruit. Mmmm, pineapple….

Of course as soon as we got out of that seminar, we changed into our suits, booked our first dinner and hit the pool bar and pretty much stayed there most the day. Unfortunately we drank a little too much that day and by the time we got back to our room to have a nap before our dinner we pretty much passed out for the night and missed our dinner : ( We woke up around 3am and watched TV for a bit before going back to sleep and starting another day.

Day 3
Again started our day with breakfast, but we made a plan to take it a bit slower on the drinking so we could actually make it to dinner before calling it a night.

We met a couple the day before at the swim up bar and spent most of the day talking to them in the pool. We had booked a couple’s massage for that day. Before our massage they invited us to come early to take advantage of the spa pools and saunas which were very relaxing and nice to be in a pool and out of the sun. Poor Sean was so burnt from the day before that the massage hurt a little for him. I was burnt too, but not to that extent. It must not have hurt that bad since he fell asleep during his, lol. After our massages we went back to our room and had a nap before getting ready for our dinner that wasn’t until 8:00pm. It was kind of nice to have dinners later in the evening because otherwise we would’ve probably gone to bed a lot earlier because of being in the sun so much.

Day 4

swimming with dolphins at Delphinus

We booked a dolphin swim for that morning. It was awesome! Definitely worth the money and by far one of the most amazing things I’ve experienced. You get to do everything with the dolphins: kiss, shake, foot push, free swim. They have staff just for taking a million pictures of each person. To buy the pics after is quite expensive, but since we weren’t doing much else while in Mexico, we went for it and I’m glad we did. We have well over 40 pics just from that hour and a half swimming with them : )

After getting back to the resort, we grabbed a bite to eat and then did some snorkeling right off the beach. That was pretty cool too and we were kicking ourselves for not doing it in the previous days, haha. So glad we bought the underwater camera, actually we carried that around more than our other camera… By evening we relaxed in our room and then the buffet dinner and called it a night.



snorkeling just off the beach

 Day 5
Another lax day spent enjoying the pool (we really lucked out weather wise as I think the worst we got were a few clouds) and the swim-up bar. We really didn’t do too much other than relax while on vacation. We didn’t do any shopping! Next time we go, we’ll spend at least one day doing some shopping.
This was also the day we realized our A/C wasn't working. Mexico is not the place you want that happen! It took almost all day for them to get it working again, and thank god they did. Can't believe it took us 2 days to realize it wasn't working. I thought it was just that hot out, lol.

Day 6


rappelling into the cenote



A very busy day. We had to get up early and ready to go on our Coba/cenote/zipline tour. The first stop was a tiny Mexican village where we did a zipline across a pond, rappelled into a cenote, canoe’d and had an authentic Mexican lunch (the ziplining left us wanting more and next time, we’ll be going to Xcaret because they have a ton of ziplines). After that we were off to the Coba ruins. The did a quick tour at the entrance and then sent us on our way. You could rent bicycles to get to the pyramid, which we of course did so we weren’t wasting time on the 2km walk. We climbed the pyramid, DH faster than me since he apparently has no fear when it comes to heights and got some shots from the top. We continued on our bike ride and stopped to take more pictures of the ruins, and then were rushed into the van since everyone was already loaded up (another reason we didn’t like this tour company since it was barely enough time to actually enjoy exploring the ruins and next time, we might just rent a car or choose a different tour company that spends more time at the ruins). We made it back to the resort for dinner and then went to bed because we were exhausted after our long day.



Sean being silly with the stickers
from the towel animals



Day 7

Yet again, another relaxing day. We did some more snorkeling since it was free and we wanted to do what we could at the resort before leaving the next morning. After snorkeling, we just hung out in the water just to enjoy the waves since we knew we were going to be coming back to snow on the ground. We also spend some more time at the swim up bar, which by now, the bartender remembered us from previous days and already had drinks ready for us : D We booked our last a la carte dinner for that night and did some shopping at the outdoor venders that are set up most evenings. It probably would’ve been better to do our shopping outside of the resort since it was a little expensive and we also should’ve employed our haggling skills (if we even have any)… But we got a Mayan calendar to hang in the kitchen and some Mayan earings/pendant for my mom’s 50^th bday gift.

Day 8


the beach and lagoon where the fish are for snorkeling

 Our last day :’(
We had our last breakfast in Mexico. Too bad they didn’t have any pineapple that day, lol. We enjoyed our breakfast, then did a tour around the resort to get last minute pics before we had to pack our bags and get on the bus to the airport.

Not sure why, but when we got home, I was half expecting to see green grass and palm trees out the airplane window as we were coming down to land. It pretty much sucked to see the snow was still there. But now we’re planning on going back in 2013 with more than just us, so at least I have something to look forward to….

update on TTC

(cycle 12, day 9)

clearly i'm not preggo :'( good ol' AF showed up right on time and while away on holidays, boo! so the end of this cycle marks 4 days before the one year mark since i quit taking BC. i'm not overly excited about that fact since it took DH 10 months to do something about it taking so long, and because of that, i'm waiting a little longer before seeing my doc about it since it isn't necessarily because either of us is infertile. i wasn't even overly upset about having to go into a 12th cycle for some odd reason. maybe it's because there's nothing i can do other than to keep trying, or it was because i was around so many ppl when the verdict came in that i couldn't get upset about it, but now that i'm thinking about it, i'm starting to feel sad that i'm still waiting for my BFP...

i'm a perfectly healthy 25 year old newly wed (well not newly anymore, but when we started i was) and i shouldn't be having an issue getting pregnant, but here i am, almost a year later and we're just now having the best chances out of all the previous cycles and it didn't happen. i'm starting to lose hope...

BFN.....

.....for now anyway.

i tested this morning like i said i would, especially since my temp was up again this morning (which this LP has had temps consistently higher than past cycles in the first place) and all the symptoms i have, at least i think i have. i don't know for sure if i actually have any of the symptoms i think i do or if its all in my head because i want to be and i'm looking for them.

the most obvious one, frequent urination, can be explained away because i started more water at 7dpo... i'm pretty much always fatigued so its nothing i haven't experienced before... but the oddest one i have this month is the breast tenderness i have lately, its seems to be getting worse each passing day and they feel heavy, they aren't so bad you can't touch them, but they're definately more sensitive than normal...

so i know the pic isn't a straight on shot of the BFN, but i saw something odd on this test and i wasn't sure how to explain it or even know if its normal too see this on tests: a pink dot on the side of the test where the line would be but its under the result area. i didn't want to open another test since i wasn't going to test again until tomoro, but when i looked at lunch, it wasn't on the other side of the test so i'm not sure what to think. maybe i am pregnant but there isn't enough HCG for it to come through the rest of the test and its just sitting below or it was a fluke thing and it means nothing. either way i'm testing again tomoro!

so hopefully i can clear up the unexplained dot with another test tomoro and hopefully its the BFP i've been waiting for....

A Mild Breakdown

(9dpo)

yup. last night i just about had a complete meltdown over something silly. pregnancy hormones perhaps?

my wound at my tailbone is still not healing as fast as i like and it seems like it get so close to closing up and then BAM, a set back and it gets bigger and takes longer to heal. it just seems like i'm going to stuck with this forever. i'm so close to just putting a band-aid over it and letting it scab over instead of healing properly but i have a hard time not doing things the way its supposed to be done.

well i got out of the shower lastnight and took a look and just burst out in tears at the lack of progress i was seeing (as nearly a week ago it was half the size it is now). DH thought i was just crabby and mad at him when i was just upset that i still have to rely on him being home and doing this for me. i don't even remember what its like to shower whenever i want and not worry about him being home to do it. complete and utter breakdown #1 over something silly...

i had another one at the same time last night. i got upset that DH hasn't been home much lately because he has a hard time telling ppl no and not managing his time well. i feel like i'm not a priority in his life like when we first started dating. everyone else gets all his time and he doesn't even think about putting time aside for me. not only do i feel like i'm not a priority in his life, i don't feel like an equal. whenever we're walking he's always 5 steps ahead and rarely waits for me to catch up or checks to see if i'm still following. if i didn't want to end up fighting, i would stop walking once in a while to see how long it takes for him notice i'm not there anymore. forget even wanting to hold his hand....

so i don't know, maybe its just me being overly sensitive and having a meltdown just because or maybe this is what its like to be emotional when you're pregnant. its definately possible as i'm 9dpo... i had a dip in my temp yesterday and it was back up today, so its possible that was an implantation dip... whatever the case may be, i'm still testing tomoro because i want to know! haha.

i know that was a lot of emotional stuff about my marriage, but i just needed to get it out so i don't keep it bottled up and then it explodes later in a less constructive way. this is MY blog afterall  ; )  and who knows, maybe i'll delete that part later when i'm feeling better and not so raw.

(cycle 11, day 25, 7dpo)

we went out for our first anniversary supper this past weekend <3 we decided to go out the weekend before our actual anniversary so we could be home with our puppy the night before we leave instead of leaving her at home alone and then leaving early the next day.

we first went to Totem to order/pay for our tub surround (which i felt kinda weird going into a home improvement store in a dress and heels, but i guess in the bigger city, they must see it more often than i think : / ) and then went for our supper at Japanese Village. I don't think I've had a better meal, well maybe when we went out for our expensive dinner in San Diego... But they prepare your meal right in front of you! I went back in april with my family for mine and my aunt tammy's birthday, but DH wasn't able to go so it was nice to share it with him this time. he was pretty impressed that they pour your beer and cut your meal up for you. the way they prepare the lobster tail is so cool! i've never seen it done before, then again, i've never really seen lobster cooked before. it was a delicious meal and we definately didn't leave hungry : D

the next day we cleaned our trucks (i always like clean truck day, hehe) and went for a round of golf. it was nice to golf just the two of us this time and we rented a cart so we didn't have to walk in the hot sun. i didn't even get overly frustrated this time!


now its back to work for the week and then we're off to New Brunswick for a week for hubby's family reunion. i'm still planning on testing on thursday but i'm not sure what kind of result i'm going to get. part of me thinks this month is it and part of me is expecting AF to show up while we're away (which would not be fun). but dealing with AF is just as annoying as still dealing with that abcess that refuses to heal in time for holidays so we don't have to take care of it anymore. i can't wait til i can shower whenever i want and not be limited to when hubby is home. my ass has never gotten so much attention!

I Definately Ovulated : )

(cycle 11, day 21)

sorry its rotated, you'll just
have to tilt your head.... lol



this post is going to be TMI for some, mostly those not interested in reading about TTC and all that comes with it....

well i definately O'd this month! i only had the one positive OPK because the next day it was negative. as i suspected i O'd the day i got the lighter test (cd 18) because my temp sky rocketed and it hasn't done that since i started temping. most months its been pretty obvious when i did because i had higher temps, but this one was very obvious and no questions like last months ambiguous chart where i thought i did, then 2 days later it rose higher and thats when FF first gave me cross hairs, then a few more temps and they changed it to 2 days later. that won't be happening this month  : D

so hopefully this is our month since this is the first time we've actually BDed when i was fertile so we actually have a decent shot at it happening. i think i've only been close once where we BDed once on the day i O'd but i think that's the only month that happened, otherwise we've always missed my fertile window. so my fingers are crossed super tight this month!

hubby already asked if i can test for pregnancy yet. i guess it doens't matter how many biology lessons i give him, he just doesn't quite understand how the female body works. i'll be testing next thursday as that will be 10dpo and i should be able to get reliable results by then. and i'll test again on the day we leave for new brunswick (12dpo). i really hope AF doesn't decide to show up this month because she would suck to have while away and getting a BFP would be an awesome 1 year anniversary gift!



Postive OPK!

(cycle 11, day 18)

i got my positive OPK yesterday! now we just have to do enough BDing to build a reserve to be there when my egg drops, lol.

i was really starting to wonder if i would ever get a +OPK since all i had for 4 days were incredibly faint lines (which actually show up better in that pic than they do in person...) and then a slightly darker line on cd16. i was almost surprised to see that very clear + since i had no indication that it was going to happen other than increase in CM but not to the point where it was EWCM.

so hopefully get some good BDing in so we get a + pregnancy test this cycle!

couch to 5K / OPKs

(cycle 11, day 12)

well i'm managing to stick with my new regimen relatively well and staying on track : ) i've started the second week and it actually wasn't any harder than the very first day i started this. it was a pleasant surprise. i've also started tracking my distance on my jog tracker app on my phone (its so handy, lol) so i know about how far i'm going each day/week and i can see when i'll be getting close to actually doing 5km. this new app also has 'medals' to help keep you motivated and i think its working! they give you ones for working out 4 times in one week and another for doing that 2 weeks in a row and another for 4 weeks in a row (or something like that), also for doing workouts in the early mornings and late nights, logging 80km...

on the other half of my all consumed life right now (well other than work), i'm still waiting for the OPKs and HPTs i ordered : ( and i wanted to start using the OPKs today incase i O early (like cd15) so that i can catch the surge of LH on the tests. if i don't get them in the mail today, i'll have to cough up the extra $40 to buy them in store just so i can start them today. i guess that's okay, its not ideal, but at least i'm not totally broke so i can afford that much for them (which is totally rediculous it costs so much just for these little strips). i just hope this our month and we make a good attempt. and hopefully i O early instead of late so i'll know the fate of this cycle before we jet off to new brunswick for that family reunion.......

couch to 5k

(cycle 11, day 7)

well in my wait for a baby, i've decided to do something to help pass the time (as if i don't already have enough to do) and help me get in shape and help attain a goal of mine that i've been wanting to accomplish for the last 2+ years.

i've been hearing a lot about this "couch to 5k" program that helps get people active. little did i know that i've actually been doing a very similar technique already. its easier than i thought it would be and i hope to continue with it and actually be able to complete the full 9 weeks without quiting. hopefully i also some of the weight i've put on in the last 6 months. i hope i don't have to abondon this endevour in the event i do get pregnant in the near future, but i should at least be able to stay active so i don't turn into a blob...

so far i've finished week 1 and i think i'm going to try and finish the 9 weeks before its actually been 9 weeks by going out more than 3 times a week. i have until september 30th to finish this (i know that's actually 10 weeks, but i'll be in new brunswick for a week so i'll take that week off or at least not track it if i do get some in while we're there). i hope i can finish by the middle of september, but we'll see. i'm just glad i'm finally doing this!

date nights

(cycle 11, day 6)

i love date nights, especially random ones that just kinda happen.

it was so nice out last wednesday and there weren't any misquitoes out yet, i suggested we go golfing since we have yet to do that just us, let alone me go again since my first time out on the course. turned out to be ladies night so golfing was out. i suggested a bike ride because of the nice weather and hubby suggested renting a move (harry potter and the deathly hallows pt1). so we got out the bikes and went out.

it was nice cuz we got to talk the entire time and just enjoy being out doing something together. it was like we were back in mexico (which i still have to blog about...) when we biked around the Coba ruins. as we got closer to the movie store, all hubby could smell was KFC so we decided after getting some movies, we'd go have KFC for supper and then bike home to watch the movie. it was just a nice relaxing night and i loved every minute of it : )

so much for being hopeful....

(cycle 11, day 1 ???)

well my temp has dropped each of the last 3 days to the point that i'm now basically back to pre-O temps. so i'm pretty certain that AF is going to show up any time now. i'm not sure how to feel since i knew that cycle was a long shot but i wanted to be hopeful only because it is taking so long for anything positive to happen and i want to be genuinely excited about something. the only other times i've been that excited was getting HayHay, when we were getting married (like the whole process, from engagement to wedding day to the san diego honeymoon), and winning that lottery. buying my first car and my first neice being born are close, but not the giddy exictement i'll have when i see that first BFP.

so i'm not sure what to do now.... we really are getting close to that infamous one year mark but our problem isn't that one of us might be infertile, our problem is a lack of BDing because of a lack of sex drive (i know it's probably not what you want to read about, but its a fact). i think i might book an appt with my doctor to get my physical done and if i'm preg by then i'll turn it into a prenatal appt, if i'm not, i'll be asking questions about our issues and see if there is anything they recommend to help us get that baby sooner. it sucks that i'm even thinking about resorting to a doctor when it should just be a matter of letting it happen and it happens. it's almost like a knife to the heart.

this cycle, i'm pulling out all the stops i can as well as getting some OPKs and continuing BBT charting in hopes that this is our last month of trying and i don't have AF while on holidays in new brunswick.


ETA: i finally found a website with cheap tests!!! do you have any idea how excited that makes me? any kind of test is crazy expensive to buy in stores and at this site they're a fraction of the cost and i can get a combo kit that has OPKs (which i want to try out this month) as well as HPTs and they'll show up before i'm even close to Oing this cycle and cost me next to nothing to ship : )

come on BFP!!!

(cycle 10, day 30)

i'm still not sure how many dpo i am. i'm either 11, 13 or 15 dpo but i'm inclined to ignore the later O date so i'm either 13 or 15 dpo. which means i either should have gotten a BFP or AF by now, neither of which have happened. maybe FF is right and i did O on cd19 so AF would be showing up on thursday, but that still doesn't seem right to anyone.

i ended up testing on saturday, but not to my surprise, it was a BFN. however AF hadn't arrived like she would on sunday if my O date was cd15. so i tested again this morning and as far as i could see, it was another BFN and still no sign of AF which would be bound to happen today if my O date happened to be cd17. sorry for all the numbers, i know it can get confusing...

i'm unusally non-irritable this month unlike other months ahead of AF and so far in the last 9 cycles, she's only completely caught me off guard and unprepared (though i always had supplies, but had to secretly obtain them and go back to the washroom right away) when showing up a handful of times. other times i either had a huge temp drop while charting or i had at least some spotting for at least a couple hours before so i knew to be ready and had supplies in place instead of only in my purse or in the cupboard. so far, nothing. i have had a couple days where i felt slightly nauseous or anything else related to pregnancy, but today, not much of that or anything else really. just a small temp drop but no where close to my coverline and still high enough to be considered triphasic if sticking with the cd15 O date. actually right now, my left mipple is sore, odd....

anyway, that's my rambling for today and i hope i have something to update in the coming days and i hope its good news and that evil wench coming to town again. man do i hate her : P

2 posts in 2 days? wha???

(cycle 10, day 25, 10? dpo)

well FF has kind of failed me. i'm sure i O'd no later than CD17, possibly CD15 (thanks to the ladies on MH who mostly all believe it was CD15 when they've looked at my chart). due to the BBTs i've had the last two days, they've decided that i O'd on CD19 in which case there is no shot at a baby this month...

because all my temps after CD17 are above any temps i had before that, i don't believe what FF has given me. i want to say i O'd CD17 because of my CM pattern, but my temps point to CD15. if i overide FF to either of those days, they give me 'good' odds at a pregnancy this cycle, not 'great' due to lack of BDing, but at least i'm getting 'good' this month. that's only happened 1-2 times since i started charting last december (which is incredibly frustrating when all i want is for us to be parents).

so now, here i sit at either 6, 8 or 10 DPO. that gives me a testing date of either next monday, wednesday or friday depending on which O day you go with. my gut tells me i Od on CD17 so i would be 8dpo right now, but i'm also favouring what the girls in MH are saying and go with an O date of CD15 and 10dpo. i want to test on saturday along with some of the girls in the 2WW thread on MH (who are all so supportive and i'm thankful to have them to talk to since no one i personally know is going through this same thing) but i don't want to disappoint myself if its a BFN. there are 2 reasons that can happen: #1, to early to test or #2, i'm not pregnant. tests aren't cheap here so i don't want to waste them! this time, however i will buying a first response (pink dye test) instead of clear blue (blue dye test) since it looked like it would never be positvie because of the very obvious BFNs and didn't look like there was even a space for the second line to show up.

i guess i'll wait for my next two temps to decide what i'm going to do, but i think i'll be buying some tests tomoro incase i decide to do one on saturday. if they are still quite high, i think i may have a triphasic chart (a very good pregnancy sign, not definate, due to increased progestrone, the pregnancy hormone) if i O'd on CD15 like the case seems to be. we'll see.....




ovulation crosshairs on CD15, overiden from FF

 

It's Been A While



my sisters birthday cupcakes

(cycle 10, day 24, 7 dpo)

i'm getting terrible at updating, lol.

not much has gone on, well actually that's a lie, its been very busy lately, lol.



first we had my sister's bday supper, just the 4 of us and my mom. i made cupcakes with my cousin Hanna that weekend and got to try out fondant. i mostly did it so i could try it out for when i do my mom's cake this week. that stuff is awesome! it tastes so yummy, just a very thick version of buttercream icing. but i think when i do my moms cake, i might need to make it a bit thicker cuz it was pretty flimsy on my first attempt.

HayHay swimming

canada day weekend we went to my aunt and uncles cabin on Jackfish Lake, Sask. it was nice to get away for the weekend and do some "camping" (we slept in our tent and brought some of our own food, but still had the comforts of home because of their cabin, hehe) with HayHay for the first time. i felt bad for our pup because she was 'locked up' in her pen most of the weekend or on a leash, but she's never had so many walks in a 3 day period, lol. hubby did some fishing and got an awesome pic with my cousins after he caught it. the boys went out sunday morning for some fishing and came back with 3 fish for lunch. i wasn't a very big fish person bef ore because my mom hates the smell and i've never really  been around it, but this fish was great! we also did  some tubing on the seadoo which was fun even though i was only in the tube once. otherwise i was a spotter for my uncle which is still fun to do but man were my arms sore from holding on for those two days, haha. we headed home on the sunday around supper time after a full day and we were exhausted, especially HayHay. she slept the entire way home and pretty much until we got home from work the next day.

since that weekend, its been a little less busy, not much, but a little. now we're in full planning/prep mode for my moms bday party this weekend. we've got most the supplies except the buns for burgers/hotdogs and cheese. i'll be glad with this over because a certain family member has kind of ruined it for me and my sister. i'm not planning another family bday again that's for sure. only for sean and my future kids. this week i still have to bake and decorate the cake (which i can't wait to do) and then help my aunt set up saturday morning. i'm looking forward to next week when we won't be so busy....

I'm A Pro Golfer Now : P

haha, just kidding! but i did improve a ton last night when hubby took me on the course for my first time since i was knee high to a grasshopper when my grandparents used to take us : )

i didn't start out very good, but slowly got better and could whack that ball further than i've done before. that's not to say a handful didn't end up in water hazzards, lol. if i hit one into the water, i'd drop another ball and if that one ended up with its sibling i'd just wait and start again further up the course away from those water hazzards that happen to have swollowed my balls. and i never once got overly frustrated. probably because we weren't at the driving range so i had some time to gather myself while walking to meet my ball and hit it again.

now if only i could be consistent in my swing... guess i'll have to go more often ; )

well that's that

(cycle 10, day 1)

it pains to say/write that we're nearing that one year mark since i've been off the pill and 'not preventing' a pregnancy. but really, we've only actively tried the last 2 months out of the last 9 and we're onto our 10th cycle. when talking to one of the nurses that often does my dressing change (yes, i'm still dealing with that!) she suggested i talk to my doctor since you don't really need to do all the waiting some resources suggest you do before getting tested for infertility (writing that actually hurt more than thinking it because now it's out there instead of just in my head). i explained that even though we've been 'trying' for 9 months, there was really only a handful of months that it actually could've worked so i think i decided for us that we'll wait until christmas (that hurt a little too thinking that far ahead and not automatically thinking that i would be pregnant by then) to start testing for infertility (again, ouch).

last month i decided to try a month without tracking my BBT but my CM has never really been reliable. when i thought i should be expecting my monthly gift, i got extremely frustrated when she didn't show and i got a BFN along with slight spotting for 2.5 days. i'm now having just about the worst case of back pain i've had in a very long while and random cramps that hurt like the dickens. i'm not a happy camper today, i especially wasnt the past 3 days while i was limbo waiting for something to happen.

so now we're at a point where i'm not sure i want to continue trying because of our plans to build that addition to the house next spring. basically if we're successful anytime in the next 3 months, its going to be incredibly chaotic around the possible due date. i'm worried because when we are building, i definately won't be able to do very much and i'll feel helpless and DH will feel like he's the only one doing any work around the house. i'll either be heavily pregnant or caring for a newborn who takes all my time all day long.

having a baby during renovations just sounds like a bad idea and i can already see how its going to play out: i'm going to be taking care of a baby all day long while hubby is at work; he'll get home from work and then get straight to work on the addition while i continue to care for a baby; he'll want to go to bed and i'll be up all night caring for a baby because hubby is too tired from all the hard work he puts in everyday and i won't get any help with a baby and be running on no sleep because i'll be up all night and day taking care of OUR baby. definately not how i picture our first months with a new baby : (

but even with all that, we don't want to put trying on hold because god knows how much longer it could take us after we would start trying again. i also can't help but think if we're successful this month that i would happen to go into labour on a day that either supplies are showing up for the addition (like concrete trucks) or his dad and step-mom flying in and we'll be at the hospital and everything will be at a standstill and people will be left at the airport. ARGH!!! lets just hope everything falls into place and i don't have to worry about any of that....

and so because we're going to continue trying, i renewed my fertility friend membership (mostly because i like to track my temps so i know exactly which day to expect AF instead of about which day she'll show up. plus then i get the extra features like the pregnancy tracker after ovulation : P

Who Are You and What Have You Done With My Husband ; )

i got home from work last night and hubby was already working on the screen door at the front of the house, had already bought a new drill to replace our old heavy clunky one and glued the foot board back under the cabinets. it was like i was in a twilight zone with how much he got done, haha. i joked with him about what he did to my old husband and thanked him for getting all that work done. i hope his motivation continues : )

frustrations

i know i haven't been updating as often as i want to be but life's just been crazy busy lately. especially since my family has 3 times a year that practically every weekend is spent doing some sort of family meal. these times happen from mothers day right to the middle of july (this one includes: mother's day, a cousin's birthday, father's day, my grandma's birthday, my sister's birthday, canada day and my mom's birthday), then there's all of september with 5 birthdays and ends with thanksgiving, and finally christmas. this happens to be one of those times and its usually when i get very frustrated and tired of my family to where i don't want to be around them for a couple months.

this year is particularly bad since we're planning my mom's 50th surprise party so dealing with family to plan has proven difficult. my sister and i have gone to our aunt to help us, not take over the planning which she has done. it's to a point that i don't want to talk to her about it because she either complains about something we did or she talks forever about stuff that doesn't really matter. she's already ruined the surprise aspect after we already had a plan in place to make sure the guest of honour would be at her party and that her friends would be invited. apparently she wasn't there when we had this conversation at her house. the invitations weren't out yet and i told my aunt that i would ask my sister what the hold up was and find out when she would get them out. she then took it upon herself, even though i told her i would do it, to call my sister about the invitations so she ended up feeling bullied and kind of hastily made them (which i still think they were done nicely). my aunt then made a big deal about them because she wasn't sent the draft to make sure it had everything in it (which probably should've been done so we don't have to send out a revised invite, but that's besides the point) and then wasn't happy with the way it looked. she wanted it to look like one of the email invites we get from another aunt for all their bdays.

the only reason we even asked her to help us was because we needed to have the party at her house since she has the best yard/setup out of the family to host it. she then took control from there. i don't even want to plan it anymore, but i have to because then i'll feel guilty. i guess i should work on that invitation getting resent with revised info.....

urgh!!! x10000

Smallville

we finally got caught up on all our shows (we d/l a good chunk of our shows and had a pretty good stock pile built up at the end of tv season and it took us three weeks to get around to watching the last 3 episodes of Smallville) and save Smallville for last since it's our all-time favourite show.

it was the series finale *tear* and IMO it did the Superman franchise justice. i just wish they would keep all the actors from the series for the upcoming superman movie next year. i don't think it will be the same after watching tom welling, erika durance and michael rosenbaum play those roles. sure, kevin spacey did an awesome job as lex luthor in Superman Returns, but after watching the series, it was weird having that age gap between clark and lex in the movie as oppose to the smaller age gap in the tv show.

the series did an aweome job with the transition of Smallville's Clark Kent/Kal-El to Superman/Man of Steel. especially finally letting him fly and don the tights for the first and only time of the series even though they've been taunting us for the last season on when he was finally going to do so. and having lex come back at the end was almost as epic as having the Superman theme music play at the end of the episode when clark has made the final transition to the superhero everyone knows. just as awesome: the end credits resembling the way the credits are in the movies.

now to watch the entire series of that 70's show before i watch the entire smallville series again... : )

Taking a Break (so to speak)

(cycle 9)

well i'm not going to be a mom just yet. and just so i don't get myself worked up about timing everything right, i'm taking a break from tracking temps and what cycle day i'm on. maybe this will help, maybe it won't but we'll see in a month or so if it does us or me any good.
i don't know if i could handle being one of those couples who have to try for years to ever be successful at getting pregnant. i think it tear me to shreds if it takes much longer than it already is and there is only so much one person can do...

New Spectacles

 (cycle 8, day 33)

I picked up my new glasses last night. They are awesome, well I mean as awesome as glasses can get.

I've been getting a dull pain near my eyes so I figured it was time to get my eyes checked out and do something about it than have a headache everyday. It started just before we went to Mexico, but the break from my computer for 9 hours a day helped it go away for a while. It started back up 3.5 weeks ago, so I made an appointment, got them checked, picked out some frames and finally got them in my possession yesterday : )


They're super cute and fit my face perfectly (as per the ladies at the optometrists who helped me pick some out, lol). Now I just have to get used to them, which I think I have now and haven't gotten that dull pain yet either. I just have to get used to the transition from not wearing them to wearing them and how long it takes for my eyes to adjust. It'll happen, but at least its taking care of the pain. Yay!