here we are again

(cycle 45, day 11)

because of the unpredictable nature of my last few cycles I have no idea when I'm going to O. I don't want this cycle to turn into what last cycle was and have BDing becoming incredibly difficult to pull off because of O being delayed by a week and burning out. but I also don't want to wait until a positive OPK to start BDing because I don't want to run the chance of BDing not happening when it needs to by putting it off til a positive OPK. but I also don't want to burn ourselves out too early if I O later. I wish I knew more than a day or two before O that I was going to O. it would make it so much easier. knowing 4 days before a positive OPK would be so much more helpful in my situation.

though thankfully last cycle saw a return of the previously elusive ewcm so maybe i'll get that same sign this cycle? I think I might since I'm already seeing a drastic improvement in the cm department over the last 4-5 cycles, so maybe i'll O on a more normal schedule this cycle. but who knows til I get that positive OPK. my cm is nearly watery/ewcm in texture, so maybe i'll catch a break this cycle and O will happen sooner than last month. we'll see I guess.

though I am still dreading a bfp this cycle because of the same timing as the last pregnancy and deja vu happening all over again if we suffer the same fate and have another MC. obviously I would hope to god that I could replace the bad memories with good ones, but if not, summer will forever be a sad time for me cuz that would be 2 years in a row. but this is all hypothetical cuz I would have to actually get pregnant for any of that to happen, which let's face it, the cards aren't in my favor.

just please let me get pregnant in the next 2 cycles so I can better deal with seeing DH's cousin's baby.... ugh.


apparently I'm pretty good at jinxing myself  : P  already a few hours after posting this I had some ewcm, lol. so I guess this cycle will be more on the 'normal' side... guess we better get BDing since we haven't done that since before Oing last cycle  : /

picture dump!

garage finished getting drywalled in january. there's still one piece that has to go up that's under the trap of tub, we just need to double check that nothing leaks on the tub and the last piece will go up and it'll finally get mudded some time starting after next weekend and then tools can start getting more organized and not be anywhere and everywhere all over the house :)

 

tile around the tub and backsplash got done and the tub got dropped into its home in april. its all grouted just has to be sealed. half the bathroom is painted, just waiting for DH to put up the board on one side of the shower so I can finish the last corner of mud and finish painting the bathroom. loving the tile we picked and the colour on the walls

primer makes quite the difference!

the texture on the upstairs ceilings also got done in april and that really started making it feel like we were actually going to finish the addition soon.

stairwell lights going up and the platform finally came down right after they got installed! it made painting the top of the stairwell a million times easier and also made it easier to install the light. DH still ducks his head going up the stairs after about 8 months of having the platform up, lol. I never had to duck cuz it was just high enough I only ever brushed my hair against it ;)

the last of the carpet and other demolition in the house! (end of april)



did majority of the underlay myself (DH helped screw down 2 or 3 pieces, lol) so that everything was all at the same level once the carpet went in (beginning of may)

the last of the ugly green got primed over!!!

the few bits of furniture out of the way for the carpet installer. the underpadding done (mid-may) and the paint got done in the hallway (april)

we're loving the colour we picked for our new bedroom :)

hayhay's been loving having the carpet in cuz it means the floor is much more comfortable than the bare floor she's had for over a month :P

our picture and mirror reassembled. the lights probably could've been installed a little higher, but we'll leave them there for now, maybe some day next year, lol

new bedroom! still waiting on our new comforter set though :( its so awesome going to bed in this now. I just wish I didn't have to walk back to the other bathroom or our old closet for clothes...

from house to home

big changes in the house the last few weeks  : D

its been weird getting used to the house at all the different stages, especially when so many things change in a short amount of time. from the very start it was all the dirt in the front yard, then it was seeing the addition take shape, then it was ripping out walls upstairs, having the outside finished, having all new windows and fancy new front door, drywall going up in the addition, new walls and drywall going up in the existing upstairs, carpet being ripped out... in the last month it went from a construction zone to a home. primer went on the walls, texture on the ceiling, finally paint on the walls, laminate in the computer nook, carpet on the floor and furniture and pictures back in place. its incredibly surreal to see it all come together and be sleeping in our new room. one that at times we thought we'd never get to use!

the only big project left is the shower. its the bane of my existence because DH keeps procrastinating on it. standing in the master looking at the new bed and window and look to your right and all you see is chaos. all the tools that have ever been used in the bathroom all haphazardly stuffed in there. its one of those things that feels like it will never get done, or it will if I just do it myself. I'm hoping that after this weekend, he'll actually get enough motivation to finish it since this weekend he's seating the tub after another leak test and we're putting up the last piece of drywall in the garage once the tub is good. then we just have to finish emptying the garage so that the mudders can come in and do the garage for us. so hopefully we only need this weekend on that and the shower can get going next weekend. I've already told dh no bike trips or anything til the shower is done!

I promise i'll get around to putting up pics of the progress on the house. given how much has changed since I last posted a pic, it will probably be a very long picture dense post  ; )

that lasted long...

(cycle 44, day 32, 12 dpo)

my temp tanked this morning. I'm now convinced yesterday's was a fluke. sigh. how much longer do I have to wait for something to happen?!?! I'm just hoping my body starts cooperating and not make me wait so long to be fertile. though I don't really want the next cycle work out because I'd have all the same date reminders (at least within less than a week) of what they were last summer  : (  if it worked out, I'd hope like hell that my old bad date memories could be replaced with better, happier memories of a THB instead of a MC... but what are the chances next cycle would work anyway? we'll only be on cycle 9 of ttc since a MC, so I'm pretty sure any pregnancy is still 2-3 cycles away, minimum. I'm pretty sure I'm leaning towards seeing the doctor in july instead of waiting for august or September... so at least that's only 1-2 cycles away...

and now I wait. af should be here tomoro or sunday. just want I wanted to deal with on a long weekend or in our new bed. I wanted to be able to do some sexy time in our new bed and unless that happens tonight, it won't be happening until next weekend... unless by some stroke of pure luck today's temp was a fluke and I am pregnant. ha. right.

uncharted territory

i think I've only had one other cycle where I was temping that my temp was oddly up a lot higher than ever before so late in the 2ww, but that was almost 2 years ago... and it wasn't as high as today's temp. today's temp is a record, and looking back at really old charts, I've only gone over 36.8 less than 5 times in over 2 years but never higher than around 36.9 and twice I went up 36.97ish. but again, those are really old charts. I did a few chart overlays so I could compare this temp to every since one of my charts and it sticks out like a sore thumb. I was incredibly hopeful this morning which is the opposite of what I was expecting to feel before waking up.

I've never had a temp as high as 37.00 I had to do a double take when I saw the number. I was totally expecting my temp to plummet today as it always does in the 2ww at 11dpo so because my temp went so far in the other direction, I tested. I'm regretting that decision now since it looks like a bfn and now dh thinks I'm stressing myself out by temping, which is not what's happening. I didn't get to test in secret like I normally do since I got so excited over a high temp I totally forgot to let the dog out, so I dipped the test and left it all on the counter to let her out and when I got to the bottom of the stairs, dh was on his way upstairs, where all the test stuff was out in the open, so didn't have a chance to hide it from him. he asked if I had to throw it out, so I said yes since I didn't see anything other than white where the second line would be and I told him why I tested (because my temp was way up and that never happens) and he interpreted that as though I'm stressing out about my temps. if anything, my temps are helping me stay sane since its helped me pinpoint O when everything else going on with my body is making it impossible to figure out. if I assumed my body was doing what it did the last two cycles (O on cd14 and a 12 day LP) I would be freaking out about AF being 5 days late already and bitching about how my body is messed up, like it was a few cycles ago. that's the reason I started temping again, I couldn't make sense of my body but my temps made sense for me.

so because I had a bfn, I'm kind of expecting today's temp to have been a fluke and tomoro's will be back down towards my coverline and i'll expect to see AF over the weekend instead of being scared shitless that we finally got pregnant again. only time will tell, but tomoro morning seems so far away!

surrounding mothers day

(cycle 44, day 29, 9 dpo)

this might be a bit of a long, jumbled and rambly post, so bear with me.

I wasn't completely dreading mothers day this year, but its probably because I knew I would be far too busy to even give any thought to it, and I was bus-ay! I also made an effort to avoid my triggers, like grocery shopping during the busiest time of the day and seeing bunch of ppl buying flowers for their wives/mothers, I also removed FB from my phone so it wasn't as easy for me to log in and see all the mother praising posted all over my news feed.

Friday i was busy finishing the underlay in the addition to bring the floor up to the same height as the existing house.
Saturday i started by getting up early and priming the walk-in-closet followed by a mothers day breakfast with my mom, DH, my sister and BIL, which we decided to do Saturday so we avoided the rush of mothers day in restaurants, which worked out perfectly as it wasn't busy at all. after breakfast, my mom and i went to the greenhouse to pick out her hanging basket i buy her every year and so i could pick out a couple new flowers for my garden since deciding i would plant veggies in a container instead (which i havent' started yet) and had left some space in my garden for veggies so i wanted to fill it out. once i got home from that, i was off to a presentation put on by a fire fighter from Winnipeg about "surviving survival", surviving life after your worst fear about being a fire fighter happens (a standard structure fire suddenly going wrong and losing a couple guys and a few guys being hurt/burned). i knew it would be a bit hard for me cuz it is one of the things i worry about with DH being on the department. i went home after to plant my new flowers and then went to the supper the fire dept provided after the presentation. finally got around to painting the first coat of white paint in the closet and the back of the niche and then spent about 30 mintues with HayHay before leaving again to see "Neighbors" at the theatre with a bunch of others from the fire dept.
after the movie and getting home is when the reality of mothers day hit me like a ton of bricks. i was consumed with grief knowing this should have been my second, or even my first mothers day to a baby. it made for a shitty rest of my night, which wasn't long since by the time i got home from the movie was 11:30.
Sunday i was back to being busy. first on my agenda was the second coat of white paint, after that i got started on laying the laminate for the computer nook so that i finished on a full row instead of having to rip any in half or anything by waiting to put it in after the carpet was installed. it took me while to get a rhythm going and wrecked 2 boards in the process until DH tried putting a piece in place and me realizing that the boards in the same row didn't have a little groove to go into the piece on the floor next to it and could be lined up right next to it and then dropped down, there was only a little groove on the long joints, so after that, it went much smoother and i only ruined one board after that by cutting it too short, not by accidentally taking off the fragile particle board lip on the tongue of the boards (i know that's probably totally confusing to those that have never laid laminate). i only got about half done before going over to my grandparents for the big family mothers day dinner cuz they did it in the middle of the day cuz others had commitments later on. i didn't stay long, just long enough for dessert and then it was back to the house to finish the small laminate floor (at least now, if we ever do more laminate in the house, i'll know what to do). once that was done, i sanded the last 2 walls in the stairwell that weren't painted (cuz they're the same colour as the living room, so I'm waiting til i paint the window patching to paint those walls and do it all at once) and got DH to prime them for me while i made my grocery list. did groceries, ate and went to bed. we were finally ready for carpet and I made it through mothers day. when we were cudding in bed, that's when DH finally told me "happy mothers day"  <3

I'm still sad for us and that it was another parent holiday that we still don't get to enjoy and just sit and watch everyone else revel in it.

I also experienced a first yesterday, the first person to go out of their way to tell me personally about their pregnancy because they knew I was struggling and wanted to make sure I didn't hear it from someone else. I can't even express in words my gratitude towards this person for doing that and because they did this incredibly kind gesture, I feel like i'll be able to watch their pregnancy proceed without hatred towards them (not that I hate others, I just can't stomach to see their pregnancies because its a big reminder of what we're going through and what we're missing out on). of course I'm still dying on the inside, but I'm genuinely happy for her, which is rare for me and there is a small handful of women that I feel that way for.

because of this friend being pregnant and DH knowing how much I hurt when I find out about others' pregnancies, he's finally decided we need to seek help. thank god I won't have to feel like I'm twisting his arm to make this step! I've been waiting for him to jump on the bandwagon for a very long time. I realize that its probably his way of fixing my broken heart, but I'm so glad he's ready for this. we'll probably wait til we've slowed down a bit on the house (only the shower is left for big projects) and relax a little before we start the craziness of infertility testing and hopefully treatment. though hopefully we're blessed before then, like now would be awesome (not testing til Thursday or Friday), so we don't have to go through all that craziness.

finally in the 2ww

(cycle 44, day 23, 3 dpo)

I finally Od! and my temp so far in the 2ww is crazy high... chart weirdness is a guarantee for a BFP right? if last cycle's maybe BFP test was in fact that and I had a chemical, then I would agree that chart weirdness is guarantee for a BFP cuz that cycle had all kinds of weird going on.

I'm still having a hard time with my cycles kind of being all over the place. first I have all my usual O signs and then AF shows up late, then I have no O signs but temp confirms O happened and AF shows up on time, now I have signs of O but it happens super late. what happened to my normal, predictable, easy to interpret cycles?!?!

lets just hope a BFP happens so I don't have to wonder what will happen next cycle.... and i'll try to keep my hands off my tests until at least 11dpo this time since I always seem to test too early and then know the inevitable by 11dpo when my temp tanks. I could save a lot of wasted tests if I waited...

why do i torture myself?

i think I might have an unhealthy obsession with pregos  : (  maybe its because I'm trying to live vicariously since we're having such issues achieving it ourselves, but then I end up being upset with myself and in a bad for the rest of the day.

I swear, every week I'm finding out about someone else in peripheral group of friends that's pregnant and we fall even further behind. I can't even manage to like posts/comments/pics in social media because I'm dying on the inside. its not like you can read tone or know the context of when someone gives a congrats, but yet I still feel like if I can't be genuine when I like or comment, that I shouldn't do it all. and then I feel like a shitty person for not doing those things. I'm in a no win situation cuz I get to see all these women go on to have happy, healthy pregnancies and then bask in the glow of motherhood, while I sit on the sidelines for what seems like forever and live with the heartache my MCs have given me with little hope that i'll ever experience more than that.

I do it to myself, really. when I find out someone is pregnant, I check their profile quite often just to see pregnancy stuff and then cry in silence. I really need to stop doing that, but I don't know how I can break the cycle since it also gives me something to do and something to waste time on, but all it ever does is sadden me. why?

nothing like everything being pushed back a week

(cycle 44, day 21, maybe 1dpo?)

I wish I could say without a doubt that yesterday was O, but I can't. I had O pains over Saturday and sunday, but since my temp didn't go up as much as I was hoping, it makes last night's BDing more likely to catch something since it has time to work its way up there. but I hope I O today. I'm done with the "will I won't I" game. I just hope it turns into something cuz I'm gonna have a hard time knowing next cycle is almost exactly the same timing as last summer when I got pregnant, and I'd love to not have to relive those dates in the same way. though if I got pregnant next cycle and it turned out to be our THB, it would be a good way to make those times happy memories instead of ones related to a MC. but I'd still really like this cycle to work out cuz then I wouldn't be getting AF the day our new bed is scheduled to arrive and I'd really like to do some BDing that first weekend  ; )

anyway, hoping I Od yesterday or today and I can quit the games. not much longer til we're seeking help cuz I'm done with this game.

Jinx?

I think I jinxed myself with all my bitching about how my cycle is completely out of whack  : P  no sooner did I post this morning and then get some ewcm, something I haven't seen since January or earlier... and when I got home from work at noon and did my opk, it was actually getting darker! And when I tested again later in the day about 5 hours later, I got a blazing positive!!! So I guess my body isn't totally out to lunch and is actually doing what it's supposed to, albeit 5 days later than usual. The only problem now is BDing... We've had sex 4 times in a week already so I'm hoping DH's got at least one more in him, preferably 2... *fingers crossed*

feels like a flashback

(cycle 44, day 18)

I thought I was done with wonky cycles, apparently not. I haven't gotten a positive OPK even though it seemed like I was headed that way early on and then it just never got darker, in fact, it even got a bit lighter. when I first started doing the OPKs this cycle, they were following my usual pattern and exactly like the last 2 cycles. then something went wrong I don't know what happened.

my temps haven't been very helpful either and I can't count on my CM (just like I haven't been able to count on it the last few months anyway) so O is a little confusing. my temp is now what I would consider post-O, but I still don't have any positive OPKs and I have to take those results out of FF just to get dotted crosshairs. I'm incredibly frustrated and DH knows that since I'm bitching about it every time he asks if I dropped an egg yet. BDing has been an issue, just like I knew it would be if I didn't O on time like I did the last two cycles. we did great last weekend, and then he got tired so Tuesday was a stretch and then because of that, I didn't push for it yesterday and just opted to wait til today to BD again.

if this is what's going to happen to every cycle from now on (no predictability or possibly annovulatory cycles) I guess i'll be heading to the doctor sooner than we were planning. if things aren't working properly, I need to fix them cuz there's no sense in waiting this out and wasting time as the 5 year mark looms closer and screams at me. I just feel like something has been wrong ever since Christmas. the last two cycles I wasn't as concerned since they were normal, but the lack of fertile CM is really starting to bother me, so is the fact that I can't get a positive OPK... the change in scenery better be all I need to get my body to fuck off with this weirdness.