i'm having one of those days where i'm completely pessimistic about TTC. I was looking forward to finishing the house, but even that's not looking very promising anymore :-/ DH had a stressful weekend with things not quite going the way he wanted and it just left me wondering if we'll ever be a point in this process where he's not completely stressed out. I've been waiting for that point for far too long because that will be the point where we can begin TTC again and after this weekend, its feeling even further away than it was already feeling. we're not getting any younger and this house just keeps taking longer. DH even suggesting trying to extend out permit again... extending the permit means we don't exactly have a set finish date because we can definitely finish in an additional 3 months (end of October) but i'm just so done with this waiting just like he's so done with the house. this waiting thing is beginning to take its toll. we haven't really talked about TTC or our future kids (other than when it relates to what we're doing with the house) in a few months. it almost feels like we've decided to live without kids forever and then this whole addition would be a waste of time.
it doesn't help seeing all these women getting BFPs and I can't even do anything about it since we're not even talking about trying at this point. I feel terrible saying this, but I can't even really be happy for anyone announcing a pregnancy anymore. I just want so badly to even have a chance at ever being pregnant again that hearing about everyone else who's able to get pregnant it just adding salt to my wound. a wound I thought was better at this point, but after this weekend, its been reopened :'(
i'm hoping all these feeling of hopelessness are for nothing and i'm talking out of my ass and we somehow manage to finish this addition in the next 2 months (or at least as far as just paint and trim work left to finish in July). That in itself would be a miracle! but i'm still not very hopeful of that happening...
Monday, April 29, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
one down, one to go
yep, AF showed up. exactly when I expected, like every other month before this. and I didn't even need to do any tracking to know when to expect her!
so now with one cycle done in our minimum 2 month wait, my wait is half over. one more cycle and then I can switch from somewhat preventing to NTNP.
the unfortunate part to my regular to a fault cycles, is that its going to begin messing with my summer plans : P if my cycle had stuck to a 28 day cycle, i'd be fine, but the last 2 have been 27 and that's going to cause me some grief and having to deal with AF when I would rather not deal with her (ie on summer vacay to my aunt and uncle's cabin...). so I think I might give up the low dose aspirin and see if that helps push back AF each month even by a day or so since when I started it is when my cycles became really regular... it might not do anything and it might backfire on me and cause me to have 26 day cycles instead (12 day LP without it), but I might as well try it while we're not actively TTC anyway. we'll see what happens.
so now with one cycle done in our minimum 2 month wait, my wait is half over. one more cycle and then I can switch from somewhat preventing to NTNP.
the unfortunate part to my regular to a fault cycles, is that its going to begin messing with my summer plans : P if my cycle had stuck to a 28 day cycle, i'd be fine, but the last 2 have been 27 and that's going to cause me some grief and having to deal with AF when I would rather not deal with her (ie on summer vacay to my aunt and uncle's cabin...). so I think I might give up the low dose aspirin and see if that helps push back AF each month even by a day or so since when I started it is when my cycles became really regular... it might not do anything and it might backfire on me and cause me to have 26 day cycles instead (12 day LP without it), but I might as well try it while we're not actively TTC anyway. we'll see what happens.
Infertility Awareness Week - April 21 to 27
a link for those who want to know more:
and a few for those who might know someone dealing with infertility:
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
the cost of running
you know, when I first started running, I didn't think it would be very expensive. replace the shoes every once in a while and that was pretty much it. I knew not to buy subpar shoes and went with quality, but for how much use I got out of them, I considered it a good buy.
boy was I wrong, lol.
I started off with just a cheap pair of yoga pants (not cotton) and a sport shirt. I got cheap essentials like shorts and capris as I needed them. my first big splurge (aside from the shoes) was my running jacket the first winter I was running. I needed something that could keep me outside without catching a cold from the sweat dripping down my back. so far that purchase has paid itself off for how much use I've gotten out of it already in just 2 years.
I now find myself perusing the workout gear every time I go shopping. it used to be every day clothes I would shop for and now its workout clothes, lol. its getting expensive! but I keep finding something else I need for my runs. first it was smaller clothes after losing weight (not a big deal since it was my entire wardrobe that needed to be replaced so of course the workout stuff would follow suit). next it was a couple more shirts/bras so it was the same one being worn 3-4 days a week and being washed once every other week or so (don't judge!). then it was a light jacket to cut the wind when its too warm for the cold weather jacket. now its gadgets (gps watch, sports headphones for the ipod, an armband for the ipod) and running oriented apparel (like running tights opposed to yoga pants), haha. shit's getting expensive! : P I also finally replaced my almost 2 year old sneakers for something with more support in the arch because the soles on the old ones wearing down and causing shin pain.
on top of all the clothes I want to buy, I've also been trying to find other races to do. they weren't lying when they say you get addicted! right now, i'm already signed up for the colour me rad in july and also looking at signing up for a mud run in September...
now if I could just work on increasing my pace and running for longer periods without walking, i'll be set... maybe... that watch would really help with that ; )
boy was I wrong, lol.
I started off with just a cheap pair of yoga pants (not cotton) and a sport shirt. I got cheap essentials like shorts and capris as I needed them. my first big splurge (aside from the shoes) was my running jacket the first winter I was running. I needed something that could keep me outside without catching a cold from the sweat dripping down my back. so far that purchase has paid itself off for how much use I've gotten out of it already in just 2 years.
I now find myself perusing the workout gear every time I go shopping. it used to be every day clothes I would shop for and now its workout clothes, lol. its getting expensive! but I keep finding something else I need for my runs. first it was smaller clothes after losing weight (not a big deal since it was my entire wardrobe that needed to be replaced so of course the workout stuff would follow suit). next it was a couple more shirts/bras so it was the same one being worn 3-4 days a week and being washed once every other week or so (don't judge!). then it was a light jacket to cut the wind when its too warm for the cold weather jacket. now its gadgets (gps watch, sports headphones for the ipod, an armband for the ipod) and running oriented apparel (like running tights opposed to yoga pants), haha. shit's getting expensive! : P I also finally replaced my almost 2 year old sneakers for something with more support in the arch because the soles on the old ones wearing down and causing shin pain.
on top of all the clothes I want to buy, I've also been trying to find other races to do. they weren't lying when they say you get addicted! right now, i'm already signed up for the colour me rad in july and also looking at signing up for a mud run in September...
now if I could just work on increasing my pace and running for longer periods without walking, i'll be set... maybe... that watch would really help with that ; )
Monday, April 15, 2013
Spring Run Off 8km Race
Since TTC is at another standstill, I might not be posting as much since i'll only be updating about non-TTC goings on...
anyway, yesterday I ran my first race. I've been signed up since February and the day finally came. I thought I was pretty calm about it and relaxed, but as soon as they sounded the horn to start the race, my heart just started pounding and I was wondering why in gods green earth did I decide to do this, lol. I definitely could've done without that adrenaline.
before I started the race, I had a time in mind that I wanted to make, 1 hour. really, I just wanted to be able to finish the damn thing, but I really wanted to do it in an hour. nothing like a little competition for myself from myself : P
once I finally got myself calmed down from the adrenaline rush, I felt good. a little warm since I had decided last minute to wear an extra layer I didn't really need, but good. I made it probably 2k before needing to walk. I had a really hard time controlling my breathing. normally its my legs that want to quit, not my lungs. I walked more than I wanted to and got passed by a lot of ppl, but was able to pass at least one person so that definitely made me feel good. the whole race was fairly level ground, not huge long uphills, manageable ones that I was somewhat able to do with just a little bit of extra effort. I didn't have any type of timing device on me so that I wasn't beating myself up for not keeping the pace I wanted to or knowing how much of the race I had left to run. the only way of knowing how much I had left was knowing the water stations were at the 2.5k, 5k and 7.5k marks, lol. in the last km of the race there's this pretty big uphill (and that's where I saw an opportunity to pass someone) that I had to walk, but I didn't slow down. I just kept my legs moving determined to not peter out. at the top of the hill was the last water station and the downhill to the finish started there as well. I went all out at the start of that downhill. I felt I could do it and just keep running all the way to the finish because I knew I was almost done. I ended up walking just a bit on that downhill, but as soon as I could see the finish, I started running again. seeing the time clock read 1:00:00 as I was nearing gave me that last push to finish hard. I did it. I did it in an hour. it was a few seconds more than an hour exactly, but not a minute more. I couldn't believe I did it. I finished and I finished in the time I set out for myself. I was a bit shocked that I actually was able to do it.
ETA: official time of 1:00:22 and I beat 9 ppl out of 67... so I came in 57th place, haha! i'll take it!!! : D
anyway, yesterday I ran my first race. I've been signed up since February and the day finally came. I thought I was pretty calm about it and relaxed, but as soon as they sounded the horn to start the race, my heart just started pounding and I was wondering why in gods green earth did I decide to do this, lol. I definitely could've done without that adrenaline.
before I started the race, I had a time in mind that I wanted to make, 1 hour. really, I just wanted to be able to finish the damn thing, but I really wanted to do it in an hour. nothing like a little competition for myself from myself : P
once I finally got myself calmed down from the adrenaline rush, I felt good. a little warm since I had decided last minute to wear an extra layer I didn't really need, but good. I made it probably 2k before needing to walk. I had a really hard time controlling my breathing. normally its my legs that want to quit, not my lungs. I walked more than I wanted to and got passed by a lot of ppl, but was able to pass at least one person so that definitely made me feel good. the whole race was fairly level ground, not huge long uphills, manageable ones that I was somewhat able to do with just a little bit of extra effort. I didn't have any type of timing device on me so that I wasn't beating myself up for not keeping the pace I wanted to or knowing how much of the race I had left to run. the only way of knowing how much I had left was knowing the water stations were at the 2.5k, 5k and 7.5k marks, lol. in the last km of the race there's this pretty big uphill (and that's where I saw an opportunity to pass someone) that I had to walk, but I didn't slow down. I just kept my legs moving determined to not peter out. at the top of the hill was the last water station and the downhill to the finish started there as well. I went all out at the start of that downhill. I felt I could do it and just keep running all the way to the finish because I knew I was almost done. I ended up walking just a bit on that downhill, but as soon as I could see the finish, I started running again. seeing the time clock read 1:00:00 as I was nearing gave me that last push to finish hard. I did it. I did it in an hour. it was a few seconds more than an hour exactly, but not a minute more. I couldn't believe I did it. I finished and I finished in the time I set out for myself. I was a bit shocked that I actually was able to do it.
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| my first race bib and finishing medal (which is also a bottle opener, lol) |
ETA: official time of 1:00:22 and I beat 9 ppl out of 67... so I came in 57th place, haha! i'll take it!!! : D
Monday, April 8, 2013
disappointment
(cycle 32, post O)
even though I know we had to avoid pregnancy this month so we can still plan our xmas trip, I still felt disappointed to not be TTC. I feel like i'm going against everything I've known for the last 2.5 years to actually purposely not get pregnant seems totally wrong right now. its not like the breaks we've taken in the past where it was just let what happen, happen.
I will have to have a talk with the hubby about pulling out when we get back to NTNP, cuz if he does that all the time, no surprise pregnancy can ever happen... its entirely frustrating and as frustrating as it is right now while we're supposed to be taking a break, it will be even more so when its okay to NTNP because it will be at a point where if I did get pregnant, I wouldn't be too far along that we could still travel at xmas...
I wouldn't have to be thinking about any of this if: a) I didn't MC in the first place; and b) we weren't building the addition.
even though I know we had to avoid pregnancy this month so we can still plan our xmas trip, I still felt disappointed to not be TTC. I feel like i'm going against everything I've known for the last 2.5 years to actually purposely not get pregnant seems totally wrong right now. its not like the breaks we've taken in the past where it was just let what happen, happen.
I will have to have a talk with the hubby about pulling out when we get back to NTNP, cuz if he does that all the time, no surprise pregnancy can ever happen... its entirely frustrating and as frustrating as it is right now while we're supposed to be taking a break, it will be even more so when its okay to NTNP because it will be at a point where if I did get pregnant, I wouldn't be too far along that we could still travel at xmas...
I wouldn't have to be thinking about any of this if: a) I didn't MC in the first place; and b) we weren't building the addition.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
in for a long summer of waiting...
(cycle 32, gearing up to O)
on one hand this cycle feels like its dragging on forever, but on the other, its going by quickly. i'm not sure if i'm going to bother with OPKs this cycle, but I am going to keep up the low dose aspirin because of how it has regulated my cycles so they are pretty much predictable with a small margin of error. If I make it through this cycle without much stress over when I Od to know when to expect AF, i'll keep that up for the remainder of our break until the house is done. if I find it causing me stress because of the unknown, i'll continue with OPKs because I know they're reliable within a day.
can't shake this feeling of resentfulness. I have yet to share that with DH and i'm not sure if I should. I don't want to stress him out more by telling him that... I don't want this looming over our heads anymore along with the all the work that's left with the house also looming over our heads.
i'd be so incredibly thankful for a surprise pregnancy this summer, but I just don't feel like it will ever happen for us (i'm starting to feel like a broken record) :'(
on one hand this cycle feels like its dragging on forever, but on the other, its going by quickly. i'm not sure if i'm going to bother with OPKs this cycle, but I am going to keep up the low dose aspirin because of how it has regulated my cycles so they are pretty much predictable with a small margin of error. If I make it through this cycle without much stress over when I Od to know when to expect AF, i'll keep that up for the remainder of our break until the house is done. if I find it causing me stress because of the unknown, i'll continue with OPKs because I know they're reliable within a day.
can't shake this feeling of resentfulness. I have yet to share that with DH and i'm not sure if I should. I don't want to stress him out more by telling him that... I don't want this looming over our heads anymore along with the all the work that's left with the house also looming over our heads.
i'd be so incredibly thankful for a surprise pregnancy this summer, but I just don't feel like it will ever happen for us (i'm starting to feel like a broken record) :'(
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