confession

(cycle 44, day 14)

I'm not 100% sure, but I think last cycle I had a chemical pregnancy. I have no way to really confirm it and its completely possible that the one test that had a line was a false positive. I had tested at 8dpo purely because I have a problem and just can't avoid testing early - "hello, my name is, and I'm a test-acholic" -  especially when I had a massive temp dip and assumed implantation cramps. I didn't see anything in the 5 minutes after taking the test so I put it away and went to my weekly step class and didn't look at it again until later that night, about 3 hours after taking it. to my surprise, I saw a line. at first I thought it was an evap, but the other time I'd seen an evap on my tests, it eventually went away after a few hours. this line was still on that test, even now, almost 3 weeks later (I think I have a problem.... lol). so that makes me think it was in fact a BFP, but that's the only test that had something on it. every test after that was a very stark negative and then my temp dropped and AF showed up on time.

so I don't know what to think. I had super strong feelings that I was in fact pregnant, if even for just a couple days, but I can't explain it, it was just a stronger feeling than the typical hoping to be so badly and convincing yourself. but without any other evidence to support it, I don't know what to make of it. was it positive? was it a false positive? wouldn't AF have at least been a day late if that were the case? so now, I'm worried that if that really was a BFP, that its going to take yet another year to get another one instead of a BFP being just around the corner because I'm getting close to that year of TTC that it seems to take us... WTF do I do with this information? I havent' been able to forget about it, but without anything else, I feel like it was just a fluke test. I guess that's why I don't feel like it was truly a loss because I just assumed the test was faulty so I didn't get any more attached than I do on BFN cycles...

as if TTC could be any more confusing!

the only proof that I may have been a little bit pregnant last cycle
but no way to know without a doubt... *sigh*

hello, jealousy, old friend

(cycle 44, day 10)

I'm so tired of this shitty never ending journey, yet I feel like I have to keep going cuz that's the only way to get what we want. meanwhile, I have to suffer through seeing everyone else, even those who've struggled and I would normally be happy for, get pregnant. my jealousy is at an all time high. in the last month I've found out about 2 pregnancies and a birth in a peripheral group of friends. these are ppl that I probably won't be able to live life without running into them at some point. and its not going to be a case where I can slough off seeing them and make an excuse because feelings will begin to get hurt (even though mine already are even though none of them probably are aware of it and I know its not their fault) because I'm avoiding them like the plague. I can't go all summer without making appearances to certain ppls houses because of the chance I might run into these ppl. I feel forced to be around them and its not fair to me but there's nothing I can think of that I can do.

on another end of this, I'm no longer look forward to bike season and being able to hop on the back of DH's bike and go out on spontaneous dates because I want so badly to not be able to even fit my bike jacket and be growing a baby. I enjoyed hopping on the bike last summer, more than I thought I'd enjoy it, but this year its more of a consolation prize, and I hate that I feel that way.

I've become more snippy towards DH when he mentions so-and-so is pregnant, or really anything mentioning babies, kids, and pregos. I hate that I'm like that now because I think it might be hurting his feelings... but I've got no optimism left, I have a little bit, but its the usual "maybe I'm pregnant!" during the 2ww. I guess that's more hope than it is optimism which are kind of different. but still, it leaves me feeling like I'm hurting him. any time we talk about it, I'm always prefacing anything I say with "if" not "when". when the hell did I become so freaking jaded? I'm usually the one looking at the glass half full...


so here I am, almost in my fertile phase again and I'm hoping there's very few cycles left before a BFP...

right on cue...

(cycle 44, day 1)

and there's AF...  >:'(

FF wanted to change my O day yet again after putting in today's temp. FF has had a hard time deciphering my chart. but I pretty well knew what the outcome was when my temp tanked. I knew I didn't O on cd16 like FF thought I did a couple times, mostly because my pattern would have been a day or two ahead than my norm. I also knew AF was likely on her way when the cramps and backache started up about 2 hours ago even though for whatever reason, AF took 2 hours to show up after those started, she always only takes 30 mintues tops... but that's besides the point. once I put in that AF started today on FF, I was able to un-discard the low temp on 2dpo like I had to earlier this morning and FF isn't giving me grief. probably because they know I'd never have a 10 day LP cuz that's never happened, ever. 11, yes, but not 10 so my O day remained cd14.

onto yet another freaking cycle.

once again, no hope left

(cycle 43, day 26, 12 dpo)

and there goes my hope. my temp was great, until yesterday. it was even labelled as possibly triphasic because my temp was higher for three days compared to the previous 2ww temps. and then it started dropping yesterday like it always does. I really need to learn to wait until 11dpo to do any kind of testing since I always seem to test at 10dpo when my temps are still good but then see a bfn and hope its just too early only to wake up to a low temp the next day and know the fate of the cycle.

that chart was damn near perfect. I was convinced I was pregnant, especially with such a low dip and pain incredibly similar to both others. how much longer do I have to wait? do I really need to go through all 12 cycles once again? that gives me until end of august  : (  I really really really really really (like seriously, really) don't want to go to MIL's wedding without a baby in my belly. I'd have to avoid his cousin like the freaking plague because that's all I would think about. its all I think about when I see a cousin in Calgary. babies that are the same age as what I should have. its torture and not fair.

we have this next cycle and then the next one will be when we're in a new bed in our bedroom. if next cycle doesn't work, I hope the change in scenery does the trick, and fast.

i'm hopeless

(cycle 43, day 21, 7 dpo)

I'm fully aware I must sound bipolar by now with the "I'm giving up, I can't do this anymore" and then turning around and being all "omg, I've got x symptoms, maybe I'm prengnat!". anyone who is ttc or has been for as long as I have will completely understand what its like.

anyway, I wasn't feeling optimistic about this cycle at all given the craziness of my 2ww temps. I had another crazy low temp 2 days ago and had to discard of the temps that was below my coverline just to keep my crosshairs. after todays temp, I was able to un-discard it, so FF and I are still in agreement so far. what is unusual is the amount of temps in the 2ww that are well below the coverline. its only 2, but I've only 6 temps recorded in the 2ww, so proportionately, that's a lot. in particular, I haven't a temp dip this low when its prime time to have an implantation dip... I wasn't charting my BBT with both pregnancies, so I'm not sure what those looked like... as well, I also felt a significant amount of pain incredibly similar to when both babies implanted, it felt like really bad indigestion in my lower ribs. I had that going on all day yesterday and a little bit today as well.

to say my hopes are high now is an understatement. my hopes are so hopelessly high that I completely expect to get a BFN when I do test (though I'm also of course expecting a BFP with the pain and temp dip...) just because that's what would likely happen. both other cycles I got pregnant, I was convinced it would never happen and didn't even think to associate the indigestion type pain with implantation. its probably also because I've now experienced it with 2 out of 2 pregnancies that I just assume that's how it will be with each subsequent pregnancy so I'm acutely tuned to look for that type of cramping. I've had similar feelings in other cycles, but not this significant, it was always just a slight pain that lasted mere minutes, not an entire afternoon and evening. I didn't make assumptions when I had the implantation cramping the first time because I was close to giving up and didn't know what they felt like either. the second time, I felt them, but because we were kinda NTNP and it was our first month kinda trying after taking a 3 month break, I didn't think it would happen that fast so it wasn't on my radar. we're now at 7 cycles since that MC and I haven't quite lost all hope cuz I know we're less than 12 months into trying again after the MC (though I've lost hope that it will ever happen again, buts its a different kind of hope, if that makes any sense) and I know what it now feels like.

i'm trying to wait as long as possible before testing, but its going to be so hard waiting for at least Saturday to come around even though I'd like to wait longer than that. Saturday isnt' really that far and I think I can do it since I don't have many tests at home (I should probably think about buying some name brand tests so I don't have to test twice because I don't have them. its just not real til a name brand test says so) so I don't want to waste them on nothing. only ... 64ish hours til the earliest I want to test... it would be awesome if my temps shot up to make the wait a little more bearable knowing what answer i'll likely get...

fingers crossed

(cycle 43, day 19, 5 dpo)

 

At least FF and I are in agreement... I was a little worried about the crazy low temp I had on cd16 and that FF would think I Od that day (which I talked about last post). I also thought it would take one more temp to get crosshairs, but I guess not. I didn't temp yesterday because we went out the night before for my birthday so I didn't really want to wake up to a weird temp and still be confused. I was pretty happy when I plugged in todays temp and got crosshairs  : )

 

I'm feeling a little better about this cycle now because of that, so that's good. another week til AF should be here but I'm really hoping I get a BFP instead, or that a BFP isn't too much further behind. especially now that we're going to have a lot more time to go out with friends and I won't have excuses to avoid the prego 'friend' and it would be so much easier to be around her if I were also pregnant since wallowing in self pity and going home a crying mess sucks.

 

and now begins symptom spotting and hoping I get cramping in the next couple days since that's a dead giveaway for me... please please please please please can I just get pregnant this cycle?

where did my naivety go?

(cycle 43, day 15, 1 dpo)

TTC has seriously taken up too much of my life. I cringe thinking about the years that have passed us by. DH wasn't even in his 30's yet when we started TTC (he'll be 33 later this year). this will be my 4th babyless birthday  : (  I'm getting closer to 30 and no closer to a THB (considering I was 24 when we started TTC...). how is that even possible? we're basically still at square one but know that so far, nothing is wrong with us to give us a reason why it takes so damn long or why we're losing what we do get.

I've damn near hit my breaking point. I know I've said that quite often, but this was just a whole new level of breakdown. I'm tired of the push and pull with my emotions each and every cycle. the hope I have during the 2ww until I test early only to see a BFN and then lose all hope. I don't know that I hold much hope in the first half of each cycle like I used to. its more just like a business to me, get it done cuz it needs to be and then be hopeful when I know we've made a good attempt.

my hope this cycle is pretty fucking low. I know there's a chance, but why would a 3rd pregnancy take less time than the first 2? we only have O-4 and O-2 cuz DH ended up falling asleep on O day. I can't fault him. we shouldn't even still be trying. and since I started writing this yesterday, I'm not longer confident on my O day so what we have may not make a fucking difference. my temp at what I thought was 2dpo is the lowest temp this cycle, wtf? I'm hoping it recovers tomoro and the next day so that FF still thinks I Od on cd14 so we still have a chance. if it changes to anything later than that, I may as well call this cycle a wash. I've never O that late after a positive OPK but I didn't have any kind of O cramping, I thought I was starting to feel it before going to bed on cd14, but today, cd16, I might have something similar to O cramping... again, wtf?

I'm really starting to have this strong feeling like we're not going to have kids. that anything we're doing to prepare for future kids is for nothing. getting the protection plan on our new dining table for safeguards against kids getting marker all over a table, spilled grape juice staining the table... we weren't going to get it, but when the sales rep showed us what it covers, I kind of jumped at it because it pretty much safeguards against everything a kid would do to wreck it. but what use is it if we don't even have those hypothetical kids? money wasted, unless DH starts eating at the table and gets sloppy... but seriously, a good portion of why we're doing certain things with the house is so that its better for a family, a family we may never get to have. how depressing is that? I sometimes had these thoughts over the last 2 years, but its become a loud booming voice in my head in the last couple weeks. when I told dh we should get that protection plan cuz kids have a way of ruining things, I also had that voice in the back of my head laughing at me for thinking we'd have those kids. I'm having these huge internal arguments in my head and it makes me want to scream and bawl my eyes out at any given moment.

I've never felt so hopeless and low about TTC. I want to be that naïve girl I once was when we started trying. I knew it could take a while, but I was thinking 18 months, 24 tops. not 40+ and multiple losses on the board along with no rhyme or reason for why.

april fool's, a warning

(cycle 43, day 13)

god help me if someone foolishly thinks a fake prego announcement is a good idea today  :-/  I may just rip some heads off... I saw a fake prego announcement a couple days ago and my heart nearly sank out of my chest. I know its no ones fault for why I feel that way when ppl announce, but I can't help it. welcome to live as a bereaved mother  :'(  which is the first time I've actually referred to myself as that, but that's what I am.

and then yesterday I had to deal with a real announcement  : (  my heart once again sank out of my chest. I wasn't really feeling lapped by anyone since we still have a lot of friends who aren't at the ttc stage in their lives, but for some reason, this one really made me feel that way. I think its because of the person it is. I know they had been trying for a long time, longer than us in fact, and had male factor infertility, but that didn't diminish the sting I felt when I saw the announcement. it doesn't help that I don't like the husband cuz he's a jackass all the fucking time and picks on everyone, no one is safe from his poison mouth, and the wife has said a couple hurtful things to me regarding ttc. she was the one who told me "at least you can get pregnant". I wanted to rip her throat out when she said it but I had to remind myself that most ppl don't understand what its like to lose a baby.

being able to get pregnant, imo, is far worse that not being able to. it pains me to say I wish I had never been pregnant at all than to have gone through the hell I did with my MCs, but its true. its a whole new dimension to ttc without success. I think about the chubby cheeks i'll never get pinch, the forehead I'll never get to kiss, the birthdays I never get to celebrate, the milestones I never get to see, the long nights when just don't want to sleep, i'll never get to see the peaceful sight of my sleeping baby in my or my DH's arms. I dream about all of that every damn day and I wish I get to experience any of it, but with the way things are going, I don't feel like I ever will. like i'll forever be a mother without a child to love on. that we're making all these provisions for our future kids that we may never get to have.

a fake prego announcement is enough to send someone who's been trying to have a baby for a while into hysterical crying fits. its not their fault, but I really wish some ppl could walk a mile in an infertile's shoes. this fucking sucks, a lot.