New Year

(day 12)

I definitely didn't get my Christmas wish of a bfp and AF decided to make her appearance literally minutes before hitting the road to Ontario. I was more satisfied with the fact that she at least showed up before the road trip vs having to wear a pad or tampon in anticipation and have her not show up til reaching our destination. I wasn't even that bothered by not getting a bfp.

But driving around for nostalgia sake, I did get a little sad realizing that I should have a big 'ol round belly right now instead of being able to have drinks every night and whatever else and how everyone should be swooning over me in excitement of our new addition. None of that happened. Instead I had my memere assuming I must be pregnant when I suddenly felt sick one night and saying how we must be getting close to starting our family. Under my breath I said that we were working on it and have already lost 2, so it's not for lack of trying that we don't have kids yet. Of course she made the ignorant assumption that we must be trying too hard  *insert eyeroll*

So this is our last cycle before a 2-3 month break and so far I haven't had any decent cm to indicate impending O and I decided against opks because I'm not at home. So here I am, CD12, and no ewcm that I get about 5 days before O. Last cycle everything was late by 2 days and I'm already at 3... frustrating doesn't even explain it. If this drags on much longer, I'm gonna have to pull the plug on this cycle as well because I'm hitting territory where if I went overdue (assuming this cycle worked) I'd be giving birth within a week of boarding a plane for my best friends wedding...

Speaking of which, I don't have to worry about a bridesmaid dress not fitting a pre or post pregnant belly because one of her other bridesmaids plans on being about 3 months pregnant with her second child (who is only 7 months old right now) by the wedding so she's going to be going with a dress that will be more flowy for us and our potential bodies.

But that also brings up another emotional issue for me because she thinks she can plan that way when here I am still working at #1 : (  it kind of grates on my nerves even though it's not their fault. It's the ignorance that really bothers me, but I guess not everyone has to have a difficult time ttc... it's things like this that make ttc so hard for some of us. I just hope I can manage to get pregnant by her wedding so I don't get stung by someone else's pregnancy  :-/

So here's to another difficult and heartbreaking year getting behind us and hopefully a much happier and more successful 2014 on the baby front!

all i want for christmas...

(day 26, 10 dpo)

...is a BFP. is that so much to ask? it would be the best gift in the entire world!

i'm losing hope though. so far all I've gotten are BFNs and not a whole lot going on symptom wise. I was hoping I was getting some implantation cramping Saturday morning but it wasn't as significant as both pregnancies so I feel like i'm trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. there was pressure in my pelvis that has tapered off but is still there, but again, i'm probably reading far more into it than necessary and i'm setting myself up for major disappointment. testing every morning so that I can hopefully pick up on a BFP asap and get in to a doc asap. i'll probably stop testing after Wednesday morning because at that point, I very likely wouldn't get in on either Thursday or Friday if something popped up on a test by Thursday anyway. I really don't want to deal with AF while road tripping, but its looking like I don't have a choice.

we have one more cycle to TTC, but I don't know how that will go since it will be while we're away. I don't want to still be trying a year from now. I don't want to have to try in the first place. weren't the first two hard enough to achieve? am I destined to forever have to take 18 months to conceive any child? i'm really starting to feel the years go by at this point, over 3 years into this and i'm getting even closer to being forced into at least 3.5 years without any hope. its a huge possibility that we won't have a baby by the time 4 years hits since that would have be this or next cycle. its even possible we'll get to 4 years and still not even be pregnant, especially when after this break for my BFs wedding (avoiding conflicting edds) we'll only have 5 months to accomplish that. 5 months plus the 4 since the MC to when we take a break is only 9 months of TTC. that's about the time i'd likely get pregnant. both pregnancies took 8 and 11 actively TTC months to achieve. why would it be any fucking different from here to eternity? I feel cursed when it comes to having babies.

2WW

(day 23, 7 dpo)

please oh please let there be a baby burrowing in nice and snug in my uterus... please, just this once can I have it the easy way this time?

I know better than to have high hopes about any cycle being our lucky cycle. but seriously, can't a girl catch a break and not have to go another 18 months before getting pregnant again? I have some decent backache going on today which I of course attribute to something trying to latch onto me on the inside *eyeroll* and any little pain in the pelvis or stomach i'm of course blowing way out of proportion because i'm hoping i'm getting implantation cramps like I have both times before. I feel like a glutton for punishment, keep trying to be hopeful but on a subconscious level knowing it'll never be that easy for us.

i'm about halfway through the 2ww today and both other times I had already had the implantation cramping so its kind of my expectation that if we're going to get pregnant, i'd have had those obvious cramps by now and I haven't  : (  its always been the thing that has shattered my hopes each cycle (not getting them). I had one cycle where I had very similar cramping on 9dpo so I was incredibly hopeful that cycle only to be disappointed yet again by AFs arrival.

planning on testing early next week.... fingers crossed

my new toy

don't mind the mess on the counter....

its my 3rd baby after my dog and my nice camera  : P  I love this thing and I can't believe how long it took for me to hop on the bandwagon.

at one point I only had a hand mixer, which worked fine until I killed it making ginger sparkle cookies... the dough just gets too thick for most machines to handle. so I bought another with more power and its served me well in the years since killing the first one. when one of my aunts bought herself a kitchenaid mixer she gave me her old stand mixer. I loved that thing and couldn't believe I had been using just a hand mixer all those years! lol. though it was a bit of a pain scraping the bowl and the beaters because there were 2 it was like a hand mixer and a little difficult to scrape what was on them back into the bowl to be properly mixed. but it did make mixing a lot easier, just not any cleaner because of the low sided bowl for it so it made as much of a mess as a hand mixer with the dry ingredients... sure took the elbow grease out of the baking equation though.

when I decided to do a TON of baking this year (read: doubling and tripling recipes) I was hesitant to use the stand mixer because of how much of a mess would be created so I bought a bigger mixing bowl and just used the hand mixer, which I had to stand on a stool to make it easier on my arm. i'm just too damn short to hold that thing up for the thicker dough. it also took a while to get anything mixed because i'd have to scrape the beaters so often to ensure it was properly mixed together.

I posted a pic on FB of the new bigger mixing bowl next to my smaller one with a caption about how I was hoping my hand mixer holds up to the amount of baking I was planning and a friend said I could always ask for a stand mixer for xmas. I told her I already had one but with doubling and tripling recipes I doubted it could hold that much without having to make everything twice and then told me to check into airmiles to get one so I didn't have to pay for it. so I looked into it and what a joke. I didn't even have a third of the points you need to even pay part of it in cash! hahaha. so I started checking out how much it was on various websites and most had them on sale for 30% off + a $50 rebate. not wanting to wait til after completing all my baking to buy it for a little less on boxing day, I decided to buy it that night, lol. why wait the extra 2 weeks to save $50-100?  ; ) 

so I tried it out when I got home with it and it worked like a dream! I tried it out on a recipe I was doubling and it worked through it like nothing and cut my mixing time to just a couple minutes instead of 10-15 or more for a really thick dough. it also mixed up icing super fast. i'm gonna put it to the test this weekend when I make ginger sparkles since I had already made some of the thicker doughs before getting it. i also have 3 other things i want to make before i'm finished my baking, but now that I've decorated all the gingerbread and sugar cookies, it should be pretty quick, especially with my new toy : )

BFP dreams

(day 20, 4 dpo)

I had a dream last night about this cycle. only it was a dream version of myself and DH. though I suppose that's the case with any dream...

I was a couple days ahead of where I am in this cycle and for whatever reason I took a test and it was crazy dark. like something you'd expect to see when you're more than a week late. I showed it to DH and at first he was skeptical because of our past MCs and was worried about the line being light. I had to tell him he was reading it backwards and it was actually super positive. like the test line was so incredibly dark that it made the control line look like a faint BFP does. so because it was so dark, he got all excited thinking I was a lot further along, something 5 weeks or so. I had to break it to him that I was actually only 7dpo, so to get something this dark was a miracle. then we had to hide the test from my sister cuz she kept pestering me to see what was in my pocket (which was the BFP).


7dpo is just too early to get a test that dark. why would my psyche give me hope like that? i'd never imagine get anything so early in the 2ww, nevermind how dark it was. it kind of angers me that my subconscious can dream these insane scenarios that I know are just impossible. it also puts too much hope in my head that just maybe i'll actually get a BFP and not have to wait 18 months like the other pregnancies...

UTI

(day 19, 3 dpo)

had my very first UTI (urinary tract infection) over the weekend  : (  I had suspicions a couple times but it wasn't until my kidneys started hurting that it confirmed it for me and that I should head in to get checked out.

it started I think over a week ago, but it only lasted a day so I didn't think anything of it. I kept feeling like I had to pee, like constantly cuz the feeling never went away. and when I went to pee, not much came out. but since it was limited to that one day, I didn't do anything about it and nothing had happened afterwards.

until Thursday. I had that same feeling like I needed to pee all the time but again, not much coming out. it went away on Friday so I once again didn't think much of it and continued to figure it was just a random thing and just happened to be a week apart.

and then Saturday happened. the feeling of needing to pee all the time wasn't quite as bad, but then I started feeling a little nauseous. I did a bit of research on it to see what other symptoms there are for a UTI/bladder infection and that's about when my kidneys started getting sore. it wasn't too bad, but it just got worse and quick. within about 2 hours I went from the kidneys not hurting at all to making it difficult just to pull my leg up to sit cross legged or even get in the truck without pain. and even if I wasn't moving it hurt. I felt like I had to walk hunched over to the side just to make it bearable. I gave in and headed to the ER.

next to when I had my cyst on the tailbone, that was probably the quickest ER trip I've had. it probably helped that it seemed pretty darn slow in there, there was only one person waiting in the ER when I got there. the nurse in triage was so nice and helpful. she made sure I gave a urine sample right away instead of waiting to get called back and then more waiting for the doc to finally do a sample. didn't help that I had just went before going in not knowing when or if they'd ask for a sample. she got a jug of water though to help with that and before I even had the urge to pee, she said they had the orders and papers ready for it so it that it would go quickly through the lab. after 45 minutes and a litre of water I finally had to pee (and 3 more times within the next hour  : P ). the nurse had said that it was possible that I might not get called back til the results came back so I was ready to wait another hour in the waiting room. after I think 30 or 40 minutes the doc called me back, brought me in a room, felt around my kidneys a little bit and then wrote up a prescription and then sent me on my way. in and out in less than 90 minutes!

I still had to get my prescription, but since the pharmacy I normally go to closes at 6 on weekends (it was about 6:30 when I left the ER) I had to go somewhere else. so I dropped off the script and then went home to eat something and relaxed for a bit and headed back about 45 minutes later. the lady said about 30, but I didn't want to show up after 30 and it not be ready yet, so I waited a little longer. once I had that in my hands, I headed off to DH's fire dept xmas party since that's where I was supposed to be instead of the ER... after one dose, I didn't have any kidney pain the next day, but today its a little tender, though I still have 5.5 days of meds left. I just have to work on drinking more water and getting a probiotic to prevent a yeast infection from the meds  : P

timing

(day 16, O day)

i'm finally Oing! took long enough  >: ( 

all week I was waiting for a positive opk and I finally got one yesterday. i'm really hoping we get a Christmas surprise. the timing would all be prefect. not having to go to MIL's wedding to see DH's cousin's baby who's due the day before I was (i'm sure I've mentioned it a few times), having the baby well before my BFs wedding, easily going through a couple of the first weeks being distracted because we'll be so busy with xmas, getting out of the first trimester just before our due date (so my mind would hopefully be distracted by a healthy baby growing instead), halfway through the pregnancy around my bday, actually get to be pregnant for a mothers day finally, and actually be due just in time for DH's bday.

I was starting to get worried this cycle would be a waste just the way it was all working out. I was expecting to O 2 days ago and the BDing we did over the weekend would have counted and DH wouldn't be as worn out as he is (though he is putting in a lot of effort. I think its finally hit him how long we've been at this and how close we've come to it that he doesn't want it to take much longer). I was starting to get worried we wouldn't get any BDing in that would count. we were supposed to BD Tuesday but DH came home super late. we BDd the next day at lunch which usually fails miserably, but thankfully we pulled it off because i'm not sure how after work would have went after already trying it at lunch. better not to wait and chance it not happening at all. then I was worried it wouldn't happen last night because DH came home a little later than usual from fire practice, but we worked it out. so at least we have some baby stuff in there. I just hope it actually turns into a baby  :-/

and if it does turn into a baby, then I get to worry about seeing the specialist before we leave for Ontario. i'm basically forced to test early so that I can know about it as soon as possible so I can have a chance of getting an apt on short notice (like at most 3-4 days before we leave). and that's if I implant as early as the last two because if I can't get a BFP before AFs scheduled arrival, I doubt i'll get in to see him at 4 weeks like he wants, it will be closer to 7 weeks since Ontario will take up the first 2.5 weeks... at least that would mean I'd be getting an US pretty much right after we get back. so I guess there's some kind of silver lining... provided it doesn't all go to hell before that point... I hate the psychological mindgames a MC causes you. all these worries that doesn't do anyone any good.

house update

now that we've done just about all we can before xmas holidays, I thought i'd post a couple of pics:



finished outside complete with soffit lights lit up

future nursery all mudded and ready for sanding/painting

hallway/stairwell/nook mudded
had to build a platform over the stairs so it was easier to work up there when taking off all the popcorn on the ceiling and mudding it. a lot better than going up and down a ladder 5 million times to move it

hallway ready to be sanded/painted

scratch coat on the tub surround. ready for tile

insulation and vapour barrier finished in the garage

drywall going up in the garage

and that's about how we finished up before the new year. we're getting closer and closer to finishing this thing! DH might try to get a bit more drywall done in the garage in the next 2 weeks cuz he'd like to get more sheets off the floor and on the walls before he parks his truck in there over the holidays, but he'll have to get help cuz i'm done, I've got too much baking to do! lol.

i'm happy with where we got. in the new year, I can get back to mudding upstairs. hopefully I can finish our new bedroom by the end of January so that I can rip out the rest of the old carpet, the texture can go on the ceiling and get new carpet installed by end of February. I've just got a bit of touching up in the ensuite and the rest of exiting upstairs is done, so there's just the new bedroom and a final coat in the closet. DH just has to drywall the bulkheads and one wall in the garage and then he can work on tiling the shower and tub in January. he needs to have that done before we put in the underlay in the new bedroom as well as carpet because of the tile saw. don't want to get anything on the new carpet! we're hiring someone to do the mudding in the garage and we'll get them at the same time we get new texture on the ceiling upstairs so they're only coming in once. so we'll have the garage ready to go, I just have to get finished mudding, sanding and priming everything before then.

fingers crossed we're done soon!

the follow up

had my follow up with the gyno/specialist for the blood work we both did and US I had... everything is completely normal  >: (  was kinda hoping something was off to point us in a direction, but I guess normal is good. I asked about progesterone since that hasn't been tested at all at this point, but he said with how many pregnancies progress with lower than average progesterone numbers and some pregnancies don't with good numbers, its one of those things where if I feel more comfortable with taking it, then we can do that, but there isn't enough evidence in science to point in that direction since its more of a cautionary thing than a particular need. I just wanted to ask him about it since I know so many women who take it.

so we have a few options at this point:

A - we can go get karyotyping done (Canada's requirement is 3 MCs, but he said he could get us in) to see if we're just on the shit end of the chromosome jackpot. because going this route would require a decent amount of time off work (at least a half day, if not a full day), its a little difficult to get DH up to the city (an hour away), do the testing, then back to work. so we've decided for now, to hold off on it. if we (god forbid) have another MC or it takes us longer than the next year to conceive, we will go that route.

B - go on progesterone supplements for a preferred 3 months before a pregnancy to get the levels where they should be (he said it takes about 3 months for the supplements to take full effect). though I have my doubts about this given the way the last pregnancy played out. I don't want to mask another MC. if I wasn't taking progesterone last time, then I probably would have started bleeding sooner than 11w (a full 4 weeks after the baby had stopped growing) and not gotten as far as telling the whole family again about the pregnancy. 4 weeks is a long time to go thinking everything is fine when its not. its gave me an incredibly false sense of security getting that far and it has now taken those first 12 weeks away from any future pregnancy because i'll be full of worry until I see a second US showing a baby bigger than 7w. so while I know extra progesterone can help a pregnancy until the fetus takes over, I also know that it doesn't always make a difference, so i'm on the fence about taking it, though leaning more towards not taking it (which I had totally forgotten about feeling this way when I was talking to him. if I had remembered this, I wouldn't have bothered asking him...). the specialist is going to a seminar about progesterone in the new year, so he said if I feel I want to go that route, I can wait until that point to see if there is anything new regarding it and whether it is something that should be done or not.

C - wait it all out and cross our fingers 3rd times a charm. this would obviously be the best case scenario and the preferred route. i'm also hoping its a relatively short route and we get a BFP very soon.

in the meantime, he prescribed a higher dose of folic acid for me to take since it can't really hurt (guess I gotta get back on prenatals since i'd given up on them after the MC) and if a pregnancy happens, to call and book an apt with him asap and he wants to see me when i'm pretty well newly pregnant (so i'd have to get his receptionist to book a last minute apt since its about a month wait time to see him). right now, i'm CD12 and should O on cd14... hoping we get an early xmas gift and get a BFP.... but i'm not holding out hope given our history.

gearing up

(day 9)

gearing up for a lot of things coming up soon:
-3 weeks til we venture east for xmas
-1 last weekend push to get what we can done on the house before leaving
-Christmas in general
-O day is next week

I gotta start taking our dog in the truck for longer drives to get her used to being in it for long periods of time. I also have to start putting her in her mobile home so she doesn't freak out in it when we cross the border. that starts this weekend, maybe even today. its gotta get done because I don't want it to be the day we're leaving on a nearly 30 hour drive to introduce new things to her, like being locked up in the truck. i'll probably start with a trip to the pet store in the city an hour away and then maybe a longer ride later this weekend or next week.

this weekend is my last one to get anything done on the house. i'm almost done with the vapour barrier in the garage because I apparently turned that into a one person job that only I can do because i'm the only one who has patience. I should be able to get the last little bit done today or tomoro and be back to mudding upstairs at least by sunday. DH started talking about laying tile for the tub surround, so I guess I really gotta get working on finishing the mud in the ensuite that I've been forgetting to do. maybe i'll finish that room before we leave and then all i'll have left to mud is the master bedroom when we get back (and the last bit of patching in the living room). at that point, I can sand, prime and paint everything as well as rip out the old carpet so we can get the new stuff in. I know we're not far off now. DH just has to buckle down and actually do more than a couple hours here and there. he's holding up the works  : P

the reason we only have one full weekend left to work on the house before taking a break for xmas? parties and baking. I didn't do a lot of baking last year, but for some reason I feel compelled to do a ton of baking this year, and I plan on freezing a good portion of it so that I can enjoy cookies well into summer without having to make any  : P  I've got a list of about 8-10 different things I want to make, not sure how much of it i'll get done, but I've got them numbered in order of how important they are so i'll start with #1 and get what I can done, lol. I also want to make some banana muffins for the trip so we have something to munch on if we're not nearby a town to grab take out. i'll probably also bring a bag of carrots or something for a healthy alternative  ; )
next weekend we have both of DH's xmas parties. Friday is his work on and Saturday is the fire dept one. not really looking forward to either one, but I have to go. and since DH will likely be out of commission as far as getting work done, i'm going to do some baking to fill my time. the weekend after that is the family xmas get together to exchange gifts so for the remainder of that weekend I plan on baking as well. I have a long list, so I need the time to bake it all and wash the dishes after each batch so I can make the next, haha. the weekend after that? Ontario.

so i'm on cd9, which means I should be almost in my fertile zone this cycle. hopefully i'll get some nice EWCM in the next day or so and i'll O Thursday and i'll get (fingers crossed) a BFP the week before we leave. that would be perfect wouldn't it? one can dream.

confusion and a happy dance

(day 6)

I lost track of how many cycles i'm now at... I think around 38 or so? i'll just count cycle days and DPO count at the beginning of my posts since i'm not totally sure what cycle number i'm on.

so this cycle we're going to be TTC. really really really (I can't type enough "really"s) hoping for a BFP cuz god knows I don't want to be on a longer break or even still TTC. i'm just coming off AF and my last 2 cycles were the exact same (though I was thinking last cycle would be a day shorter because I was thinking I might have Od a day early, turns out that wasn't the case as per when AF showed up) so I don't expect it to be different this cycle, maybe a day either way, but no more than that.

today is also my exploratory US for the specialist. I probably won't have any info to update on today as i'm guessing the specialist will look at it later this week and get and then give me the results at my follow up with him next week, when i'll get the results from my bloodwork as well as what they got out of DH.

which is another story I didn't share on my blog! ugh. I wish I had known DH had to get bloodwork back when I had my first apt with the specialist so that I knew exactly what he wanted since the requisition was a little vague with the way its filled out on a computer. I got a call 13 days before my follow up apt that they wanted DH to get some bloodwork done as well to help rule him out of the equation. not a lot of time for DH to plan for it. there were 4 things checked off (nothing compared to what I had to get!) and the testosterone test left a bit of a question. when the forms are filled out on the computer, you don't see the individual boxes to check things off when its printed out. apparently there is a box beside the testosterone test that says to go either between 8-10am and another box for 3-5pm. we weren't aware of that so myself and the receptionist both thought he could go in during either window of time to get it done. since he can't leave work in the mornings during that time because that's their busiest time of the day, he went in the afternoon. so then I got an angry text from him when the lab told him he was supposed to come in the morning for the testosterone test. enter anger at how all of this came about  >: (  they also told him he needed another form to get karyotyping done so I also get an angry text about that, which I had to explain that the specialist wasn't sending us for that work up until after all the results come back and nothing shows up to indicate an issue. even then, we might have to wait for a 3rd MC to be sent for that testing. so here I am, freaking out about not having the testosterone results because of the shitty setup with the form. I call the receptionist to let her know and try to find out if it is a crucial test to get done, but she wasn't much help other than telling me that the specialist will let me know. ugh. i'm hoping the other 3 tests come back completely normal which maybe that would point to his testosterone being normal since the others all kind of work together in the hormone department with it...


on a second, more exciting note to end this post on:
I'M FINALLY STARTING TO FIT BACK INTO MY PRE-PREGNANCY JEANS!!!  : D
its about damn time that started happening. I was looking for a pair of those pre-preg jeans the other day and didn't see them in the pile of other pants, so I had to look for them since I hadn't seen them in a while. found them and 3 or 4 other pairs that stopped fitting sometime around week 7 (so about 4-5 months ago). tried all of them on and some of my shorts and found that I was within about an inch of fitting all the jeans again. happy day! the shorts weren't fitting still, but i'm hoping that if i'm not pregnant by summer (which would super super suck cuz that's like 8 months from now) that they'll fit again. i'm almost there though : )

bloodwork - check

decided to get the bloodwork done last week for the RPL work up the specialist wanted. I knew there would be a lot of vials to fill, but didn't realize just how many! holy crap! hope I never have to do that again!!! I guess I should have counted how many tests he wanted to get done because I probably would've realized how many vials would have to be filled...

FIFTEEN! That's how many I had to fill. I thought maybe 8 or so since I know for early pregnancy, that's about how many are taken. oops, my mistake. I started realizing when the lab tech kept coming back with more vials  : P  at least she was nice enough to use a contraption that allows her to switch the vials without touching the needle in my arm, thank goodness for that! I was absolutely dreading having her change 15 vials directly from the needle, but with that contraption, I was actually okay with looking at what was going on at that point (something I've never been able to do until after the needle is in, like when you get an IV) and didn't feel a thing.

at least until my vein stopped pumping blood... she tried tying the rubber band back on my arm to get the blood pressure up, then undoing it, then moving around the needle a bit to get it in a better spot within the vein. ouch. she got to 14 and said she might be able to just share some of the blood from other vials to make up the last one, but looked over the others ones and said she'd like to try the other arm to fill up the ones that were needing a bit more and to fill that last one. I wasn't looking forward to having my other arm done since I don't think I've gotten a needle in that arm in a very long time, like probably well over 10+ years. she took one look at that arm and said it would be super quick cuz there was a really good vein. she was right, it was quick.

I was SO hungry afterwards since one of the tests I had to fast for. I hate going to the lab in the morning because they're usually pretty busy with everyone else who also have fasting tests and I typically go early in the afternoon and don't have to wait more than 15 minutes. I guess lunch is a bit busier. so I had to wait about an hour til I got called in. at that point, I hadn't eaten in 16 hours (only needed 12). I was prepared to feel a little lightheaded after that many vials, but I was surprised that wasn't the case, happy too. as soon as I was done at the lab, I went for something to eat. oddly enough, I didn't eat supper til almost midnight that day, so I only ate twice and almost 12 hours between the last couple meals... oops!

the results of those tests should be back in about a week, good thing I went last week instead of waiting til this week to go in and run the chance of not getting the results in time for the follow up... I have the US next week to check out my uterus and the follow up a week after that. hoping we get some answers and aren't left with more questions...

New Tattoo

it's been over 7 years since I got a tattoo and the only reason I kept waiting was because I wanted to see how my body stretched out during pregnancy since all the ones I was wanting to get I was going to get on either side of my lower back (in favour of keeping them in areas easily hidden for work). after so much waiting, I said fuck it and finally got a new one. one to symbolize our angel babies.

I decided to get the due date birth month flowers of both our babies. getting on to symbolize the month they were conceived, or the month they were lost didn't quite seem right (especially since the day of the D&Cs were a different month than when they were actually no longer a viable pregnancy. so due date just felt right and appropriate. DH was a little confused why I didn't get any dates on it, but it didn't feel right including those for the same reasons why I chose the due date month. I love it and its beautiful!

debating getting a bit more colour put in it, but i'll wait til its healed to make that choice. for now, its super itchy since its started healing. I remember my first tattoo being itchy when it started healing, but I didn't remember how long after getting it that it started, so kept waiting for it to start, but it didn't til about the 3rd day, now its driving me crazy, lol. I also didn't remember the first one hurting that much during the actual tattooing, but it was also just line work, no having to go back to do shading or colour. after the first hour, it started hurting more because it felt like she was working on the same spot for a half hour and my jaw was getting sore from the way I was laying... after an hour and a half, and about my breaking point when I just needed a quick 5 minute break to stretch, she had me sit up to take a look at it to see if she needed to do anything more to it. I was surprised she was done already because when I went for the consult, she guessed it would take about 3 hours, so I was bracing myself for another hour and a half of work, lol.

i'm so happy with it and am not bothered that not all my shirts will cover it. its not something I want to cover up all the time and something I can have with me all the time to remember them. I can also add to it if we end up with more losses, something that as much as I don't want to have happen, was a requisite for the tattoo because of our TTC struggles. after we have kids, i'll get another one on the other shoulder for our living babies.

a little something DH texted me after I asked him if he would be bothered seeing this everyday:

"no... I will be reminded of how much we

love each other and no matter what we run into

we will always work together to get through"

wishy washy

that's what I feel like. like I can't make up my own damn mind about TTC. one minute i'm saying we're on a break, the next its TTC, the next its a break, NTNP, TTC... I feel like anyone who's been following my blog, or members of TTC groups view me as wishy washy. though i'm sure they can all understand why we keep bouncing back and forth, I just feel like I don't even know what we're doing half the time.

I don't like jumping back and forth between TTC and not TTC, its not fun. its also made it harder to tell if we're having more issues than just an inability to stay pregnant, like if there's something going on affecting our ability to get pregnant, or if we're just one of those couples who have to try for up to a year. since both pregnancies happened after periods we weren't TTC and breaks and NTNP, its hard to paint an accurate picture of how long it actually took to get pregnant. like do we count every single month even if there wasn't any BDing going on? do we only count the months we actually put in effort? the months where there was a shot because we were NTNP and the months we actively tried? its hard to know what to say if a doctor asks. if I only counted months where there was some BDing during my fertile window, both pregnancies happened in less than a year of trying even if they both took nearly a year and a half of actual time (the first was 8 months of TTC over 16 months of time. the second was 11 months of TTC over 18 months of time). those breaks have eaten up a lot of time.

can we just fast forward to the future when I've been able to make it into the second trimester (so I can enjoy the being pregnant part) and then give birth to a THB? cuz this before shit is getting old, as am i.

in the middle

had a convo with DH about TTC with the potential due dates conflicting with travel and I got this response: "if it happens, it happens and we'll work around it". happy day! somewhat anyway...

it means we'll be bouncing back and forth between TTC and avoiding for the next few months. I still don't have an official date from my BF for her wedding so I can't plan around it yet, but I should be good for the next 2 months. we can't TTC this month anyway cuz the due date would be mere days before MIL's wedding and i'm not sending my DH across the country when i'm either a week overdue and he runs the chance of entirely missing the birth of his baby, i'm still in the hospital after having a baby and have to get my mom to drive me home, or leave me and a brand new baby home alone for a couple days. not happening. not that I would think it would actually work this cycle, but i'm not chancing it. I dont' mind sending him alone, but with a potential due date that close to it, no. it also gives us a chance to get the first bit of testing done and if meds are needed to sustain a pregnancy, we'll know about it before one happens.

ideally i'd get pregnant next cycle. in all sorts of ways, it would be convenient. almost as convenient as it would have been if last cycle worked.
1) i won't have to see DH's cousin's new baby that is due the day before I was
2) nothing conflicting with BFs wedding
3) won't have to take a long-ass break from TTC, only this cycle
4) round of testing ordered will be done and hopefully an answer/fix
5) my yearly physical falls when I would know if i'm prego or not so I can get the appropriate meds/requisitions for anything that needs to be scheduled ahead of time (like the US)
6) first few weeks will be while away so will help pass time before first US

I know better than to be so hopeful that it will work out that way, but one can dream. at least i'll feel like i'm not wasting the next 6 months of TTC. it will all depend on when BFs wedding is and i'm hoping she'll know by xmas so that i'm not in limbo as to whether we can TTC during whichever cycles.


I have my US the gyno wanted scheduled for Nov 26 and the follow up with him on Dec 2. I have to get bloodwork done before that, so i'm going to get that done next Friday so the results are in before the follow up. its going to be a busy lead up to the holidays!

the universe can go to hell

feeling pretty lost lately. I went to a wedding over the weekend and I saw no less than a combined minimum of 10 pregnant or new mothers  : (  it felt like an inadvertent slap in the face from the universe. that was supposed to be me! I was supposed to be 5 months along with a lovely bump to prove it. instead i'm still left with empty arms, a broken heart and a break from TTC. WTF? wtf universe?!?!

I got to sit through a dinner listening to a friend talk all about her pregnant and how she's not quite at the excited "omg, i'm pregnant" which to me just burns a hole through my soul because i'd be ecstatic to be in her shoes like I should be.

I don't know how much more of this I can take. some days I feel fine and none of this bothers me as much as it does other days. some days i'm just seething with anger towards my situation and long for the days I was pregnant or when I was naïve enough to think we wouldn't have issues and first started TTC.

DH hasn't really been helping the situation either. when we see babies, all he can say is how excited he is for when its us, but all I can think is "if we're lucky enough to even get that far". I feel like my fertile years are slipping me by and DH hasn't got a clue how long this is really taking. it will be minimum 4 years since we started TTC to have a baby since its been over 3 already and we have to take a break for the next while. that puts any due date well beyond the 4 year mark and might as well call it a potential 2015 due date because I highly doubt that the few months that we can TTC that would result in a 2014 baby would even work. god knows if having a baby in 2015 will even work. how much longer can I possibly do this? will I be going into my 30's without ever making it out of the first trimester? with how long this is taking, its becoming a real possibility that it could happen (turning 30 and still no baby). how many years of TTC would that be? we started TTC when I was 24! again, WTF universe!!!

I could be getting all out of sorts for nothing and with the testing i'm about to get, find out why I've MCd twice and when we can start TTC again, it will happen quickly. its never worked out that way, but maybe our luck will change. it would be a nice change of pace.

TTC no more...

well, we're taking a break. i'm not happy about it, but i'd also be very disappointed if I had to miss my BFs wedding. why did it have to work out this way? why? why? why?

when?

(cycle 37, day 26, 12 dpo)

when will it be our turn?

another BFN today and I've lost hope. I didn't expect it to be easy, but I was hopeful that just maybe it wouldn't be so hard this time. I guess those hopes were misplaced  : (

3 years and still nothing to show for it but 2 MCs. this is rough. it will be at least 3.5 years til we can even TTC again because we're forced to take a break. none of this would have to happen if either of those babies had just hung on. we wouldn't be where we are. this last one was even better because we'd be done the house by the time it was born and we would be bringing a baby back east for those weddings. instead, I get to see DH's cousins baby who is due at the same time I was. what a knife to the heart. not only do I lose my precious baby, but I get to watch someone who's not even with the father (or at least things seemed very rocky and it happened very quickly after they got together) and a pregnancy that was a surprise, be a mother and get nothing. just an empty heart. god help me if we don't get pregnant before then... I've only got 9 months... and after our induced break because of those weddings, I've got like 3 cycles to get it done (all depending on when my best friend's wedding is). yeah right, like that would work. fuck.

i'm so tired of the heartache. i'm so tired watching everyone around me get what I want most' i'm so tired of family not understanding what this is like, how much heartbreak this is causing me, anger and complete frustration. i'm so tired of ppl asking if we have kids.

i'm just tired. maybe this break will be good for me. maybe not. I guess we'll see.

B F N

(cycle 37, day 24, 10 dpo)

not surprised since I knew it would be a long shot anyway, but sad cuz I really wanted this cycle to work out because I don't want to be forced to take a 4-6 month break  : (

close to the end

(cycle 37, day 22, 8 dpo)

i'm less than a week away from knowing if we're going to be taking a very long break or if we'll be going east with a little extra luggage. i'm hoping for the latter obviously.

I don't have any glaring symptoms to point to being pregnant so i'm not very hopeful. i'm going to start testing on Wednesday either way. I have an apt on Friday for a tattoo consult. I don't really want to go if I am pregnant because I don't want to pay a deposit if i'm going to have to cancel. i'd like to give the most notice possible, hence testing Wednesday.

here's hoping i'm wrong and there is something brewing inside...

appointment day...

apparently in Canada (or at least according to the specialist), you need to have 3 MCs in order to be termed "recurrent pregnancy loss". while I agree with it, it still sucks having to go through any before any digging is done to look into it further. but with that said, he said that I shouldn't have to wait for another one to do at least some investigating. we can't quite jump to things like chromosome testing and HSGs without raising some eyebrows with the powers that be since they are incredibly expensive tests (and i'm guessing by his statement of this that those tests are free for me to get, its just an expensive thing for the health care to pay for without meeting the criteria of 3 MCs first) so we're doing some preliminary testing first to see if anything pops up.

he gave me requisition form for a whack load of blood tests and an US to check out my uterus.
-antithrombin III
-protein C
-protein S
-APC reistance
-lupus anticoagulant
-antiphospholipid antibodies
-homocysteine
-PT 20210A mutation
-PTT
-ANA
-thyroid antibodies
majority of these are clotting disorder related and the last couple are autoimmune related

once those come back, i'll meet with him again to go over the results. at that point, he'll decide if we should pursue more testing and what course we should take. for now, DH is off the hook, but if the specialist wants chromosome testing done, we're both getting those blood tests. I have to wait til i'm 3 months post MC to get any of the tests done, but that's up Nov 6th so not that much longer and it will probably take at least that long to get the US booked. once I book a day for the US, I can call his office and book the next apt with him since the receptionist said they book about 4 weeks out.

if this cycle is successful, then we wait on testing. ideally i'd carry to term and we won't have to go through this, but if I don't then i'm guessing i'll be getting all this testing done along with the HSG and chromosome testing and whatever else comes with RPL.

last chance for a while

(cycle 37, day 17, 3 dpo)

this is the last cycle we can actually TTC for a while  :'(  realized that the due date for next cycle would prevent us from going east for MIL's wedding and DH really wants to go to see family he hasn't seen in a long time. I wouldn't mind skipping it, but I know it means a lot to him to see that side of his family that I can't do that to him. after that wedding, only a couple months later we have another wedding to go east for and its one I wouldn't miss for anything, my BF's. we've been friends for over 20 years and she's asked me to be a BM. since she doesn't have an official date picked yet, i'm not sure how long of a break we will need to take. there might be a cycle in between that we can try if there's enough time between the 2 weddings, but we might as well wait until around march of 2014 to get back to TTC. it really sucks because its extending the process by half a year after we've already been trying for so long. so much is riding on this cycle.

tomoro is my apt with the specialist finally and i'm hoping that because there is a chance this cycle could work, that he'll be willing to test my progesterone to rule that out. I don't know if he will or if he would just prescribe it as a precaution like my doc did last time, but i'd like to know if progesterone is in fact an issue for me. at least after this cycle, I have time to get a lot of testing done without a pregnancy either cutting it short or skewing results. maybe the threat of testing will be enough to scare my body into working properly and allowing a pregnancy to happen and go to term. its happened for a number of women I know, I just hope I can be one of them...

no words

that about sums it up

what should have been

i should be 20 weeks right now. I should also have seen my baby again, just this time looking like a baby and moving around a whole bunch. today was supposed to be the 20 week US and instead i'm a week away from my specialist appt.

I hate that i'm going through this again. I just want a living, breathing baby. why me?

I want all these milestones to disappear, they aren't helping. the minute I think i'm okay, I realize that our first was supposed to be a year old by now, everyone is supposed to be all excited over my big belly during upcoming holidays. i'm supposed to be flaunting my belly, not desperately hiding it because i'm having a hard time losing my "baby weight" (if you can call it that).

200!

200 posts?! what?!?! can't believe I've made that many posts  : )

(cycle 37, day 8)

anyway... so next week is finally my apt with the specialist. its felt like forever, but yet it feels like just yesterday I was pregnant... i should be Oing this weekend, so i'll already be about 1/3 through my LP by the appt. though right now, i don't know how likely any BDing will be since DH is starting to catch a cold. but the timing of this cycle with when the due date would be, would pretty well work out with most of our plans this coming year and the various trips we have to take. we'll see

Picked Last in Gym Class

(cycle 37, day 1)

that's how i'm starting to feel. and its becoming increasingly hard to deal with. though, after this long, its getting easier to hide my pain in front of anyone until I get home and DH can see it all over my face.

I think this weekend was yet another breaking point (I can't really say its my absolute breaking point, cuz I've had a few over these 3 years and i'm sure there will be another in the future). I found out a friend who was NTNP for the last 3 years (with irregular cycles) was 10 weeks along. I was happy for her because I know how long they were "trying", but it still stung. I acted all happy for her and related to her over things in the first tri, but as soon as I got in my truck to leave, I broke down, again, like I do every time I find something like this out.

i'm really feeling worn down. I know i'm not alone and there are plenty others who are feeling the way I am, but i'm feeling like i'm going to be the last one to get a THB. like that kid in school who always gets picked last to play games or go on a team. i'm feeling left behind. i'll be that one friend who doesn't have kids. the odd one out. i'm getting so very tired of this and I feel like i'm repeating myself each month now.

2.5 weeks til I see the specialist. hoping we'll figure out why we've been so unlucky two times and maybe a way to speed up the process. I can't do this forever.

symptom spotter

(cycle 36, day 24, 10 dpo)

apparently I can't help but symptom spot  : P  I thought I was typically an early implanter since both pregnancies I had distinct cramping early in the 2ww (at 5 & 6 dpo) both times. I figured since I hadn't experienced any by 7dpo, that I was basically out this cycle because I assumed that I will always be an early implanter.

that may not be the case. no, I haven't tested yet to know anything for sure, but I did experience some of that very similar cramping in the same spots as last time, only this time at 9 dpo. it did get me a little excited and gave me some hope for this cycle afterall  : )  this morning, I felt a little pressure in my pelvis like when AF is about to arrive but not as extreme, only that would be 3 days early.

so here's hoping for some good news in the coming days. i'm not sure how eager I am to test early, so i'm not sure i'll test at all until Monday and AF would be a day late...

me = optimisic?

(cycle 36, day 21, 7 dpo)

I don't know why i'm hopeful about this cycle, but for whatever reason I am. which is weird. I fully expect AF to show up sunday or Monday, but I can't help be feel like she won't be coming... I don't think its enough to make me test early though, unless I have some pretty obvious signs like I did when I got the last BFP.

3.5 weeks til I get to see the specialist. i'd really like some answers or some help to speed this up. its really starting to bother me how long this is taking. when we started TTC, I was 24 and now i'm 27. ouch.

I feel completely hopeless and helpless. i'm watching everyone around me get pregnant and have their babies while mine get sent to heaven. it gets harder each day and I hate it.

when will it finally be our turn for a THB...?

Blogiversary!!!

was just thinking to myself that I had started my blog 3 years ago around this time of year. I couldn't remember the exact date, but I knew it was after our wedding and before our first cycle of TTC...

so happy 3 years to myself!

another negative day

(cycle 36, day 14, O day)

today is definitely O day. got a blazing positive OPK yesterday and had lots of pressure and slight cramping in my pelvis this morning. didn't have stellar CM this cycle though... I barely had any fertile looking stuff, so I don't know how conducive that will be. not that I have much stock in cycles anymore anyway since even in the off chance they do work out, I inevitably lose the baby and start over.

to say i'd be shocked if it did work is a complete understatement. i'll be surprised beyond belief and even more surprised than the last BFP. i'll also be a little bit mad at myself for even thinking of TTC before getting testing done because what if it didn't work out again? i'd blame myself for not waiting for the results to come back to know if there is something more than just progesterone I should be taking while pregnant. I want to believe that we could get lucky enough for "3rd time's a charm", but I just don't. other than that lucky windfall a couple years ago, not much else has been lucky for us, why would this ever be different?  : /

I feel stuck in this limbo before testing is done. on one hand I don't want to do any waiting for TTC since we've waited more than long enough. on the other hand, I want to wait in case the results show more to what is going on and it gives answers and a direction to go next time. my mind keeps pulling me in both directions, often in the same day.

why wait to TTC if 2/35 is our odds at conceiving?
why TTC when 2/2 is our odds at a THB?

change of routine

(cycle 36, day 9)

I don't know what to do with myself. maybe i'm subconsciously easing myself into being healthier?

I have had 0 self control when it comes to food lately. knowing I was starting at the gym last night, I went and bought a bag of chocolate covered pretzels at lunch yesterday (my biggest weakness). I've eaten more than half the bag already in 24 hours. maybe my mind is trying to get to slowly make changes to its not as hard to maintain the changes. like starting at the gym this week and then the diet will follow next week. I seriously wish I could stop doing this to myself. I don't feel sexy anymore. I feel like a blob  : ( 

I have been much better about water intake this week. I guess that's two steps out of the way, the only one left is my eating habits. maybe I need to start with WW again as much as I was hoping I could just do this myself since I know what I have to do, i'm just having a hard time getting it going.

1. join the gym
2. increase water intake
3. watch diet

so last night my mom and I had our first session at the gym. we only did one set of everything just to go through form and how the machines work, but i'm feeling it today. i'm not dying and I can walk up/down the stairs without wincing in pain, a good hurt. i'd like if there was more cardio worked into the routine, but i'll have to work it in myself. like run 10 minutes to warm up, work on the legs, run for another 10 minutes, work on the arms, another 10 minutes of running, abs, and finish with another 10 minutes of running. that way I should pretty much always have a good sweat going and i'm incorporating something I love doing, running. I've also got to get out more at home with hayhay.

i'm getting there, slowly, but i'm getting there.
fingers crossed my diet will follow.

Body image

... is basically non existent right now  : /

I had a hard time last time getting back into my WW routine and i'm finding its the same this time around as well. only difference is that last time I didn't gain as much in those 3 weeks of being pregnant and still had nearly half of what I wanted to lose left to keep going. this time, I had 7 weeks to gain some pregnancy weight and I had already surpassed my weight loss goal. I was feeling good about myself and never felt uncomfortable in my clothes, until now.

now, none of my pre-preg pants fit me, and majority of my shorts don't either  :'(  I've been trying to wear dresses and skirts when I can for work, but the seasons are going to be changing soon and its going to be a little too cold for summer dresses real fast. what the hell am I going to wear until  I can manage to get my ass in gear and drop these extra pounds?!?! I have one solitary pair of jeans and one pair of cords that kinda fit at the moment. pants I had only planned on keeping to get me through the post-partum phase after actually giving birth to a living baby, not this. my boobs haven't gone down in size since being pregnant either, so not only do my pants not fit, my bras don't either and I have that horrible double boob going on. I don't feel like I should be struggling to lose these extra pounds because I never got to give birth to a living baby. it got taken from me and now i'm left with this awful reminder that I see every time I look in a mirror.

I know i'm not a big girl by any stretch of the imagination and there's plenty of women who wish they were my size, but when you've struggled to lose so much weight in the first place and then was able to maintain that for over 6 months, not being able to kick yourself into gear is really disappointing.

why can't I find that determination?

I was hoping that starting at the gym would be the thing I needed, but my session got postponed until next week so I proceeded to stuff my face with half a loaf of eggnog bread that I had in the freezer from xmas and took out on Tuesday. I sabotaged myself. will the gym be enough next week to get me to stop these bad habits? I need to get back down to goal so my clothes fit. I need to feel comfortable in my skin again.

ambivalent

(cycle 36, day 2)

I shockingly wasn't overcome with grief and anger at the onset of AF. I expected to since last time I had a major meltdown over her arrival because it was just another punch to the gut and reminder of what I no longer had. I have no idea why it didn't hit me as hard this time.

maybe its because I didn't benefit from "increased fertility" in the months following the MC last time, or that I just honestly don't believe we'll conceive in the next 12 months. I don't expect getting pregnant to be easy at all. it hasn't been in the past. each time it took nearly a year and a half, why would it take less time now? I have the same low expectations I did at the beginning of summer before getting pregnant.

i'm still waiting for a call from the clinic to know when my apt with the gyno will be. I thought they would've called by end of last week, or at least the beginning of this week. I didn't expect it to take longer than a week to get one set up. that's bumming me out a bit because I feel like we shouldn't even be attempting to get pregnant until after I get testing done because i'll just end up in the same situation I am now, TTC after another MC. why would next time be any different if we don't have any answers yet or possible fixes other than more prometrium? I don't even feel like it helped last time. I feel like there's something more going on and we need more than that to sustain a pregnancy. but I also don't want to wait forever for that damn apt either. time we could potentially get pregnant and maybe get lucky enough for that one to be our THB. the saying "third time's a charm" comes to mind... but that doesn't mean much to someone who's lost 2 babies already  :-/

Waiting for AF

(cycle 35, day 29 - cycle 36, day 1)

and now begins the wait for AF to start up again. only thing is, I have no idea when to actually expect her. because of the MC, my hormones could be totally out of wack and the hcg from the pregnancy could take a while to leave my system (though I feel like if the baby died at 7w and I carried for another 4, the hcg probably totally left my system) preventing O from happening. from some research and other's experiences, you basically don't O until the hcg leaves, which can take up to 4 weeks, hence the typically longer cycles following MCs.

last time, I basically had a regular cycle, well within my norm at the time, just on the longer end of that norm. but this time I got so much further in the pregnancy, so would this cycle be proportionately longer? IDK. I feel like i'm in store for a regular cycle because of my CM, but since I skipped temping and OPKs this cycle, that's the only thing I can really go on, which I felt I wouldn't be able to totally trust since its possible I could have fertile looking CM when I would normally have it, but maybe not O yet and still be a couple weeks away from that. I haven't noticed as much fertile CM since then, but its possible its still coming.

so i'm feeling slightly unprepared for AFs arrival. I don't have a ton of supplies on hand, but I don't normally have to carry provisions on me for 2-4 weeks straight, normally just a couple days. this doesn't feel like a typical 2ww, probably because I have such low hopes of getting pregnant again quickly based on what's happened in the past. I want to get pregnant quickly, but who knows what my body will even do next time. I want to be pregnant and get past the first tri so I can actually enjoy it instead of waiting for the red death to start...


ETA: I know my body too damn well. I wasn't counting on what I thought was my fertile time to actually be my fertile time since I was fresh from a MC... but yet, there was AF, ready and waiting for me exactly when I would have expected her if I was right.

the plan for #3

(cycle 35, day 22)

saw my doc for the follow up to the D&C...

1. no real reason other than "it just happened" for the MC. nothing abnormal about the tissues collected. i hate not having reasons for things happening.

2. getting a referral to the gyno (same one who did my D&Cs - i hate that its plural) to get testing done on me to find out if there's something curable with me that's causing us to continually MC. could be something as simple as a clotting disorder which is somewhat easily helped.

3. i'm now considered high risk while pregnant, at least in the first tri since i can't seem to get out of it successfully yet. this means i'll be closely watched, or at least as closely as they can without going as far as doing an US every single week... i'll be put on progesterone ASAP, get an US at 7w again and another US about 3-4 weeks after that one to make sure everything is still going well and hope things don't go wrong in the middle again. i appreciate the extra monitoring, but don't appreciate the label because it just makes me feel less hopeful about any pregnancy. i shouldn't need all this extra stuff. my body should be able to do what its supposed to, end of story, no history of MC.

4. because we've had unprotected sex, my doc wants me to occasionally check for pregnancy starting at 5 weeks post D&C so that if by some greater act of god i get pregnant again that quickly, we can get things rolling right away. though she would prefer i get the testing done first before getting pregnant so that we have whatever info we need to help the next pregnancy succeed, but i'm definitely not expecting it to happen like that since its never worked like that before, so i'm sure there won't be an issue. and because this is the first post MC cycle, there's no telling exactly what my cycle is doing since the norm is anywhere from a 4 to 8 week cycle... that's not to say that its impossible i'll have a completely normal cycle, i have noticed some fertile signs last week that pointed towards O having already happened, but i won't know anything til at least next week since i'm still only 3 weeks into this cycle. so now, instead of being able to just wait for AF to show up, i have to occasionally test for pregnancy because of the circumstances.

5. I guess this officially puts us in the "infertile" category. not something I realized until just now... after one year, I didn't feel "infertile" was the right word for us since we didn't put barely any effort in for the first 3-6 months. after an actual year of TTC, I got pregnant, so still not considered infertile. after the MC, because it was only one, I still didn't feel like we were actually infertile. 18 months after that MC? I still didn't feel like that title fit us since I think we only actually tried for half those cycles, so technically, it took less than a year for us to get pregnant again. but once I MCd a second time, that firmly put us in that category since it had now been 3 years + 2 MCs and have yet to make it into the second trimester.

6. i wish TTC was easier for us...  : (

3rd Anniversary

from my sisters wedding in July

can't believe its been 3 years as of yesterday! its been quite the 3 years. lots of ups and downs, but we're still here, especially after the last year and a half  : )  the last year has probably been the hardest one with the emotional aftermath of our first miscarriage, the stress of the house addition and now a second miscarriage, but again, we're still here and I've recently noticed its strengthened our bond to each other. there's no one I would rather be going through all this with than him  <3

also realized that as of last week we've owned our house for 4 years already and have had our dog just as long (my first baby is growing up! sniff!!!)

to celebrate, DH got us tickets to the dinner theatre in Edmonton  : )  I was surprised he thought of it all on his own since the last 2 years we've celebrated by doing a round of golf and dinner out, which I thought would be our tradition, guess not, lol. I wonder what he's got in store for next year!

2 more years til we head back to San Diego!!!

picture dump!

house progress  : )

tile in the ensuite july long weekend

pop of colour at the front door.
trying to get my green thumb on ;)

new garden on july 11th with flowers my dad
and step mom helped pick out

new vanity, the only finished thing in
the entire house, lol

new sod in the front yard. no more looking out the window
and only seeing dirt! still not used to seeing grass

the growing garden on august 20th. I haven't killed anything yet!

no more AF!

(cycle 35, day 14)

FINALLY! finally stopped spotting after over 2 weeks! thank god! I'd been spotting or bleeding in some form or another (running the gamut from spotting to gushing clots) since the first Friday of the month before finding out that devastating news. I thought it was gonna stop last weekend on the last day at the cabin, but then it started up again and got a bit heavier (almost enough to classify as light bleeding instead of spotting) before stopping altogether this past Saturday. just in time for some BDing  ; ) 

I've turned down some BDing pretty much all of last week because of spotting. I didn't want to do something and then cause the bleeding to pick up more. I also didn't want to risk infection if my cervix was still open from the D&C (something I figured was possible since I was still spotting). I felt terrible, but I just didn't feel comfortable in my skin whatsoever last week. i'm doing better now, thankfully. we also managed to BD again the next day, but it didn't end with the possibility of making a baby, if you know what I mean  ; ) 

ramblings

1) I was entirely selfish as I saw BFP after BFP roll in after mine. I didn't want anyone else to get one because it felt like it upped my chances that i'd be the one to MC again. the last time I was pregnant, there were 8 BFPs I was aware of and 2 MCd, I was one of them. this time, I think there were about 6 or so BFPs so I felt like I was always kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't think of it often, but it was in the back of my mind when all those BFPs rolled in.

2) I hate my body. its not the same. I didn't give birth to a live baby so I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with the same effects, especially with less than 3 months under my belt and not the full 9. its just one more reminder that I did have a baby growing and then I didn't and it got taken away far too early. like a knife to the gut and a big fat F U to my ego. other things than the extra fat around my midsection are also different. I now get gas pains like I just gave birth. I get a sharp cramp that needs to be relieved right away, like an air bubble that's trapped and trying to get out (I guess that's literally what it is anyway...). I can't think of what else is different, but its only been a week, i'm sure i'll notice more.

3) i'll never feel comfortable in the first trimester ever again. maybe after I manage to have a live baby, but for now, it's shattered my confidence that my body can keep a baby safe. I was hoping the first MC was a one off fluke, but I guess it wasn't. I want to know that my body is even capable of this. i'm absolutely terrified to get pregnant again. even if I have a good US, it doesn't mean anything to me anymore. I believed that baby was still growing and thriving for the 3.5 weeks after our first US but they weren't. I find myself wondering if they had a slower HB and was in the process of dying while we were watching them on the screen considering they only measured 6w6d at the US I had at 11w. i'm going to constantly wonder if everything is fine in there next time.

4) I don't know how much extra monitoring i'll get next time. will I get more than I did this time? I don't know how i'll survive the time between USs because i'll be in a constant state of fear that that will be the last time we'll see them alive. will it just be one to confirm a HB around 7w again and then wait another 5 weeks til I get another one at say 12w to make sure everything is okay til a Doppler picks up a HB? will it be once a week? every other week? I just don't know. I also don't know if this has put me in the high risk category for next time. will I have to go to the city for everything now and see a specialist? see the gyno at the hospital instead of my family doc for any pregnancy? I've been left with a lot more questions because 2 MCs don't just happen without a live baby in the mix or some investigating as to why this happened, twice. I want the extra monitoring, but I know it won't help ease my mind because i'll always have this experience to taint any good feelings.

5) at what point will I feel comfortable? we were ONE week away from announcing on FB. ONE WEEK. I have a gut feeling the bleeding didn't start until it did because of the drop in progesterone from having my last dose of prometrium 5 days prior. what if my doc had prescribed it to last until 12 weeks instead of 10? would everything have gone the same way, but we would have announced it publicly only to have to break the news publicly when everything went downhill? I was so confident after that flicker of a HB and the prometrium I was taking. I shouldn't have been so damn confident. but how could I not be? we had already gotten 2-3 weeks further at the US since the last time all that developed was a sac and we got to see a baby and a HB. how were we to know that not even days later that baby would stop growing? at my prenatal apt the Friday everything started going wrong, my doc tried the Doppler. we weren't surprised when she couldn't pick something, but she had a feeling she was almost picking something up. we were so hopeful everything was going fine. i'll never have that feeling again. instead it will be met with skepticism and fear. maybe when we consistently hear a HB at every apt? maybe when I start to feel movement? maybe when I finally give birth? will we even get that lucky to get to that point?

6) I just want answers. I don't want to keep going through this. I don't want time to pass me by. I want a fix to this, and I want that fix quickly and I want to get pregnant again NOW. I don't want to have to wait another year and a half to get pregnant again. I can't do it. I want my time with my babies back. I know DH doesn't want to do testing right now, but I can't wait a year for that to happen. he probably won't have to do any testing since we've now achieved pregnancy twice, the problem is most likely with me. if its a med I have to take in the 2ww to help things along, fine, but I don't want to go through another 18 cycles paying for a med hoping it works just to be crushed by AF month after month. its a waste of money if it takes that long again. what's the point in taking something to help sustain a pregnancy if I won't get pregnant for years from now? this all feels like a crapshoot.

I JUST WANT MY BABY BACK.

Break from Reality

(cycle 35)

boy did I need one. I regret not taking one last time. It did a world of good for me. I wish the timing of everything would have allowed me to have the whole week at my aunt's cabin, but even the weekend was enough of a break from life. I feel a lot better a week from the D&C this time than I did last time.

Remnants

I'm doing a little better than last time, but there are certain things that just tear me apart. Physical things at the moment, like my boobs barely fitting into my bras or my stomach still looking nearly 3 months pregnant. I put on a pair of pre-pregnancy jeans yesterday and wondered why it felt like they were constantly falling down. It wasn't until I changed into yoga pants and got a look of myself in the mirror and realized how big I still was. Did that ever hurt. Back to my WW diet after this weekend to get back my body.

Things like that are a knife to the gut. If I had just had a baby, fine, I'd be okay with it. But I didn't. So it makes the hurt so much worse and gives me a daily reminder of what we lost. I don't want to be wearing my pregnancy clothes but a lot of my pre-pregnancy stuff still doesn't fit.

I just want to get back to 'me'. l also want my baby, but that feels like a pipe dream now  : ( 

heartbroken

Not wanting to write this out for a second time, but I unfortunately don't have good news  :'(

Everything was going well. Went for the routine first OB appt Friday morning,  tried to hear the HB on the doppler but knowing I was on the cusp of hearing it we weren't too concerned when nothing was heard. Still felt pregnant at that point.

Then things started to go wrong.

I hadn't had any spotting at all this pregnancy.  Friday afternoon our sod for the front yard got delivered. I went to the bathroom and noticed some spotting with some fleshy looking bits. Not overly concerned yet, I went about laying sod since it wasn't that heavy, lighter than a lot of other things I lift on a daily basis. Went to the bathroom again to check on the spotting and it was still there and still fleshy looking. I put in a call to my doc to find out what I should do, to the ER it was

 I went in at 3:30 and finally got seen around 5pm. He ran some blood tests and a urine test to rule out infection.  Was hoping he would do the US they have in the ER, but was informed by a nurse after I asked that they don't like to do them in early pregnancy because its not as detailed and a radiologist doesn't look at the results. Got my blood taken around 5:30 and then had to sit and wait for the results to come in. Nothing out of the ordinary, was sent home with an order to call into US Tuesday morning to get in as soon as I could. The spotting continued til Saturday night...

Sunday morning all hell broke loose.

The cramping started the night before but wasn't significant so I didn't let it get to me. I woke up that morning to severe cramping.  They came and went like clockwork so I can only assume it was the equivalent to labor.  By 6am, I got up to go the bathroom and there was blood. A lot. I was terrified. I felt a couple clots slip out. I just started crying. DH woke up and came to check on me. I was a mess. He got me fixed up and back in bed while he checked the clots. The cramping continued for the next 6 hours  : (  every 5 mins. It was excruciating. We opted against going back to the hospital knowing they would run blood tests and just tell me to come back Tuesday. I didn't want to be sitting there all day, so we rode the weekend out. Had DH check a few more clots over those hours, I seriously love that man. A man who will check his wife's clots is a keeper.

The bleeding steadied so our hopes were that it was  subchorionic hemorrhage,  which isn't great either, but if it meant there was still a baby in there with a heart beating away, I'd deal with the inevitable bed rest that would accompany it. I just wanted the baby to be okay. The bleeding continued through the weekend but we were holding out hope.

We made it to Tuesday morning, finally. But that's where the optimism ended (not that I had much anyway since when its your body that starts bleeding,  you pretty well assume its over, even if there's some encouraging stories from friends that went through similar ordeals). I passed a particularly large clot after DH left for work. I couldn't bring myself to fully check it out further than holding it in my hand hoping it wasn't the baby sitting there in my palm. I got DH to check it when he came to pick me up for the US, he just said there were 2 small clots, but I think he was protecting,me from something worse because I know there was something bigger in there.

Made it to the US, they got me in right away. No good news. The tech just told me to go to the ER without any further info as to whether there was even a HB, so I asked her before heading over there. No heartbeat. Fuck. I just started bawling and DH did his best to comfort me.

Got into a room and the doc came in about 20 minutes later (seemed longer though) followed by the surgeon not long after. At least the surgeon had some answers. He told us the baby had actually stopped growing very shortly after our first US. Heartbreaking news since we were starting to get confident that this would be iur THB.

Got into a private room around 1:30. My mom was with me this time since DH couldn't be away from work for very long cuz they were short staffed. Went back for the D&C around 3:30 and was back in a room around 5:15. I was given some water and something to eat. The nurse took out my IV and I got into my clothes. DH came to pick me up just before 6 and he took me home. I was so glad be home. Went right to bed because I was so tired from the emotional roller coaster over the weekend.

So now I'm here. The day after my second D&C. What a horrible place to be. 0 for 2. At least this time we were able to make an actual baby, but that's little solace when we thought we were 10.5 weeks and everything was going well. Back to cleaning out the closet since I had just put away all my clothes that were too tight and acquired a few maternity items. Time to switch back I guess. Hopefully next time we get it right and I don't have to be back here a third time. Third time's a charm, right? At least so they say...

letting the news out slowly!

(10w 0d)

I feel like I can't really post as often as I want to because i'm afraid of turning into a broken record with the pregnancy... not to mention those still TTC... guess i'll have to let be what will be and post whatever I want to, even if I posted something very similar only a few days to a week beforehand.

10w belly pic!

anyway, Friday can't come soon enough! I just want to hear that dang heartbeat instead of seeing it  : )  i'm still worried about the chances of it being just a little to early to hear and we'll have to wait a month to have another chance at hearing it. not trying to be negative, but I know i'm basically on that cusp of when you'd be hearing it on a Doppler.

we finally told my mom this past weekend. I wanted to tell her, but then I didn't want to tell her because I know she likes to allude to things on FB and we didn't want to risk having the news slip out before getting to tell other family members before they find out over FB (something that at this point DH's dad might end up finding out that way if they keep staying out all hours of the day when DH is trying to call them! haha). at least this time she's only got 2.5 weeks to keep it under wraps unlike the 6 she had last time  ; )  we walked into her front door after going out for dinner and DH made mention of his food baby and then I stuck my belly out and said "me too". she looked at me suspiciously and said she didn't want to make assumptions but we let her know she could this time. she cried. happy tears of course, but I expected it from her. I know DH's mom will do the same thing when he tells her. She's pretty excited, not that I didn't think she wouldn't be... of course the happy mood was kinda trashed when she just had to make sure that my dad didn't know yet. he knew 3 weeks ago, but we didn't tell her that, I didn't feel like causing WWIII with that bit of info.

I debated telling my sister, but haven't yet because we're just not that close anymore. I might this weekend, depends. I was going to tell her when they came to pick up their old car that's been parked outside the house for 2 weeks, but they came earlier in the day so I didn't even see her. her loss I guess. guess she doesn't want to see me as much as I don't want to see her...

DH and my shirts and one for the baby
(all bout the last time I was preg... but
we finally get to use them!)

i'm leaving the rest of the family for when I go out to the cabin next week. I didn't want to do it without DH, but I kind of have to since there's a lot of stuff I won't be able to do this year so i'm gonna have to explain myself  : P  i'll wear my announcement t-shirt and wait for someone to get it, which I don't think will be long since my cousin who is driving out with me will obviously know by the time we get there, lol. I'll bring DH's for him so he can wear it when he gets there. i'm hoping we can get a pic of us in our shirts with hayhay in her shirt this weekend so we can use it to announce on FB shortly after getting back from the cabin.

HayHay's shirt was a bit of work since it was a little small (why are dog sizes always so misleading?). I think I did a damn good job fixing it up  : )  the sleeves didn't have enough room between them so that was making the shirt tight and the bottom hem was too tight. so I took an old shirt and completely overhauled it. I kept the original neckline and was going to keep the sleeves (just moved) but every time I put it on her with the sleeves, she gave me the death look and would be all pathetic and not move, like as though the sleeves completely stunted her movement, lol. its actually really funny to see. I ended up not using the sleeves at all and other than first minute of having it on, she's completely fine and doesn't act all weird when its on her. so yay for me being able to sew! she's SO CUTE in it!!!